Inspy Romance

Inspy Romance—Fall in Love With a Good Book

5 Things Men Could Learn From Romance Novels

by

Once upon a time, my husband listened to a romance audiobook with me. I downloaded Meant to Be Mine by Becky Wade for a road trip, and he got sucked in. It was the cutest thing ever. He said stuff like…

“Matthew McConaughey could play a good Ty.”

When Ty rode his Harley to the bakery where Celia works, Jim said, ” Let’s go ride our Harley to a bakery for breakfast.” So we did.

And while at the bakery, he asked, “What was the name of the bakery in the book, again?” I said, “Cream and Sugar.” In response, he pointed to this sign:

As an avid reader of romance, I knew what to expect from the “hidden baby” trope in the story, but this was all new to Jim. So it was fun to see it through his eyes. I’m glad he got a glimpse into my world and the kind of worlds I work to create.

But I think all men could learn something about women from reading romance. For starters:

  1. Women want passion, which doesn’t have to mean sex. I remember watching my 8th grade reading teacher dance around the classroom with a copy of The Scarlet Pimpernel clutched to her chest. “The next chapter is so passionate,” she sang. So we raced home and read what we expected to be a racy scene, but the following day we called her out. “They don’t even kiss!” But now as an adult, I want to dance around the room with The Scarlet Pimpernel, swooning over the passion of a man who loves a woman so much he would kiss her footprints after she left.
  2. Women want to feel valued. Right after my best friend and I went through our divorces, we made the mistake of watching Dear John together. While the hero is away at war, the heroine marries someone else. When he comes home and sees her again, he wants the best for her, so he sells the coin collection he inherited in order to fund her family’s medical expenses. My friend and I bawled at the realization that though we’d both been married, neither of us had ever been treasured.
  3. Women are not helpless. As much as we want a hero to be willing to sacrifice himself for us, we are resourceful and will find a way to pursue our goals with or without him. Of course, he’s going to be better off with us, because guys have weaknesses too. This is what I loved so much about my favorite novel I’ve read this year, Before I Called You Mine by Nicole Deese. I don’t want to give any spoilers, but we girls don’t have to give up our dreams for the guy.
  4. Women are relational. I just read an article where the author points out that if The Bourne Identity had been written by the female character, it would have been a romantic suspense. And I love this idea. The story would be just as good, but it would talk more about thoughts and feelings rather than karate kicks and motorcycles. Definitely one of the ways men and women can balance each other out as mentioned above.
  5. Women are beautiful. I watched a Netflix rom/com recently where the strong female character wears glasses, and in the IMDB trivia, it said that the director didn’t want the character to get contacts as part of the cliché makeover scene. She’s beautiful with her glasses on. Just as Dumplin’ (another Netflix movie with an overweight heroine) was beautiful. Just like I was beautiful when I stepped outside in the snow this weekend wearing my bathrobe, husband’s shoes, and scary post-chemo hair. Next to my beautiful baby girl who just turned 18 (but has always looked like Rapunzel), I felt more like the comic relief. However, knowing Jim still sees me as beautiful on my worst days is what creates a happily-ever-after.

I told Jim I was writing this article and asked if he had anything he would like to add. Now that he’s listened to Becky Wade’s novel and helped me plot many of mine, what had he learned about women?

“Women like singing Christmas carols.”

I laughed. Because he’s not wrong. Per the movie director’s request, I just had to add a Christmas caroling scene to my novel optioned for film. So we’ll make that an honorary number six. But only because Jim has already mastered the first five.

What else do you think men could learn from reading romance? (I especially want to hear from you guys!!!)

Angela Ruth Strong (44 Posts)

Angela Ruth Strong sold her first Christian romance novel in 2009 then quit writing romance when her husband left her. Ten years later, God has shown her the true meaning of love, and there's nothing else she'd rather write about. Her books have since earned TOP PICK in Romantic Times, been optioned for film, won the Cascade Award, and been Amazon best-sellers. She also writes non-fiction for SpiritLed Woman. To help aspiring authors, she started IDAhope Writers where she lives in Idaho, and she teaches as an expert online at WRITE THAT BOOK.


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Comments

  1. This is great!!!! I think you hit on everything, except for the spiritual. We need our relationship with Christ, and we want our men to have a relationship with Him, too. I think some guys think they can skirt that issue, and it’s a huge issue for us women! I’ve never been married, and my top requirement is that if I ever do get married, he’s got to have a strong relationship with Christ; if not, we won’t even get to the point of talking about marriage, as I won’t be staying around that long! I’ve had too many friends that thought “he’ll go to church with me later” that found out the hard way, oh no he won’t!!!

    • I love your commitment. I want to write a book where a married couple deals with the husband falling away from his faith because I know it’s hard! Whether you’re single, in a loveless marriage, divorced, or living happily-ever-after, Jesus has to be your first love.

      • Very true! I have read a few books (very few, hard to find!) where the married couple had problems and worked through them. They ended up staying together/getting back together, and was very realistic. I really liked those, because that’s really how life is!

  3. Love this! Such a wonderful list of things. And I can’t wait to find out what Lincoln has to say on the topic, as our resident vocal male reader! 😆

  4. I really enjoyed this, Angela. My husband used to read the same romance novels I read pre-ebooks. He loved almost anything by Lori Wick and especially enjoyed her book “Pretense.” I asked my husband your question and he said he learned from “The Princess” by Lori Wick that men need to show their wives they care and that they need to keep romance engaged in their marriage.

  6. Love this post! I think men could learn that women want to be seen, we want to have them do things for us not because we ask but because they know it needs to be done and love us enough to do it for us. Of course we women have to learn to appreciate them doing stuff for us even if its not exactly done how we would do it :) . I always enjoy your posts Angela, thanks for sharing!

  7. I love this! I think men need to learn how to be leaders who listen to feedback but are willing to take charge

  10. I’m very blessed to have a husband who understands all that you listed! He’s the most romantic, sensitive, giving, respectful, caring, kind, thoughtful (oh I could go on and on), man a person this gal ever knew. He is one of the few men I know that has a good understanding of women.

    I don’t know that I can add to what you posted here, Angela. My husband is one of the rare men who “gets” me as a woman & women in general. He knows what it takes to show me true romance & it’s not always about giving gifts but showing his love in non-verbal ways. To me, that is the most important thing. A person can say “I love you” all they want, but if they don’t show it, then how can one know for sure they mean it? I think a giving of each other, especially when it’s a sacrifice, shows more love than a box of chocolates or some kind of diamond jewelry. Don’t get me wrong, those things are certainly nice to get, my point is how he treats you & shows his love in other ways is what counts.

    I think if God is in the center of your marriage (or romantic relationship) that He can teach you how to love & in what ways to love. Having Biblical based relationship is the best anyone can have :-)

    P.S. I am in no way saying my husband is perfect (nor am I), but he’s a natural when it comes to our marriage. Much more so than me, lol!

  11. I believe Trudy said exactly what I would have said! I had been married, almost 25 yrs when he died (he was just 52). I had fallen away from my faith so put no stock in the fact he wasn’t a Christian. I came back to Christ but was then already in the marriage and stayed. Not to go into tons of details, it caused friction with raising the kids, going to church, pretty much everything. I could have left because there was infidelity & abuse but I stayed. When he got sick and started going to the family care center our church runs he accepted Christ. We started going to church together & he was always reading his Bible but was also on a high dose of steroids for almost 3 yrs. The mental and emotional abuse turned physical & a year before he died I had to take our young son and leave him as he was threatening to kill us. It was a sad ending but I hold to the hope that his salvation was genuine just hidden by the steroids.
    All this to say, YES Trudy!!! Never waiver from having that shared love for Christ, first and foremost!! You will save many years of heartbreak & pain.

    • Deb, you are an example of true love. Both that you left to protect your child and that you want the best for your husband even after all of that. I know it’s hard. And I believe that with such a beautiful heart, you will be blessed and be a blessing everywhere you go. Thank you for sharing.

    • I’m so sorry you had to go through that! I used to tell Mom that I was learning from watching my older sisters and friends mistakes. There are some lessons I did NOT have to learn myself! Two of my sisters have been married over 30 years, and one was married over 20 to her second husband. Her first marriage ended in divorce. I don’t know what God has in store for me, I just know that He can bring good out of this season of mourning, and that He will. He’s going to use your experience to help someone else (maybe more than one!), too, for His glory.

  12. I always love hearing about your life, Angela. I am so happy for you that Jim came along!!
    I love Becky Wade’s book Meant to be Mine.
    As for The Scarlet Pimpernel, I haven’t read it for aeons. I was too young then to realise the depth of his love. Bit like us with Jesus. I know His love is incomprehensible.

  13. Women are not vapid, senseless beings. We are smart and can handle a lot, with dignity and grace.

    So wonderful you found the right guy for you.

  15. Love your pictures! You have a good husband and a blessing from God! We have snow here, but not as much as you. But here in Kansas we are having extreme cold. Low tonight is supposed to be – 20 degrees. And that’s without wind chill! Had rolling power outage this afternoon and our furnace didn’t get the memo to come back on. It’s on now after a repairman visit.

    • Oh man! Hope you were able to keep warm. I grew up in Kansas (age 5-12), so I remember those cold days, but the one time I remember it being -20, that was with the wind chill.

  16. I like your list. I would add that women like conversation. They like to know what the man is thinking and feeling. Instead of silence or the man wall that all is well. Thank you for the wonderful article. God bless you.

  18. Yes! to the treasured part. That is what I pray for my daughters most. That their future husband will CHERISH them.

    And let’s not forget to add that husbands doing the dishes or vacuuming can be just as romantic as bringing home flowers.

  19. I like your list. I also think they could learn about some fun dates women would really like that don’t involve spending a lot of money .

  20. Great post, Angela! My husband and I always joke that we’re not romantic. From the outside, it probably looks that way, but romance is so much more than what we show the world. It’s chatting over a cup of coffee and knowing each other’s pet peeves. It can be roses on Valentine’s or doing the dishes together after a long day at work. I love Jim’s reaction to the book. Great examples of love.

    • It sounds like you and your husband have “friendship set on fire.” That was on one of the first cards my husband gave me, and I love it. It’s not just about wooing. It’s about enjoying all time together.

  21. That is so neat that your husband listened to the Becky Wade book. Obviously he paid attention. I have Nicole’s book on my Kindle and look forward to reading it.

    • Oh, it’s so good! I’m already looking forward to her next book about kids who age out of foster care. I work with a group of girls like that, so I know it’s going to really touch my heart. <3

  22. Women love man who know and think that actions speak louder than words, but also sometimes like and need to hear the words “I love you” Have a great week and stay safe.

  23. Love this list! I think another one could be that they can share about their feelings not only through words (though written and verbalized are always welcome!) but also through small gestures :)

  24. What A Man Can Learn From Reading Romance.
    By Lincoln Clark

    Pursuit. In my experience, both my wife and I want to be pursued. We are not the stereotypical couple. I’m the one with the knack for romance. She claims openly that there is not a romantic bone in her body. :) I was the one who sat on the couch crocheting her a sweater while she hollered at the hockey game on TV. I was the one who planned a special birthday celebration complete with limo, fancy restaurant and box seats for Shakespeare at the Kennedy Center. She ran the Sound ministry at our church.

    She, however, knows when to walk in and give me a hug because I’m feeling down, how to hold me when I need to ugly cry. (Yes, ladies, men do ugly cry. We just try to limit it because our ugly trumps your ugly 24/7! See #5 above, “Women are beautiful.”)

    These are all examples of us pursuing each other. I suppose that is another way of saying that we value each other (see #2). As a man who enjoys reading Christian Romance, though, ladies, let me assure you that valuing is a two-way street. It is the embodiment of “forsaking all others”. It is the choice not just to be content with your spouse but to learn who your beloved is, seek them out and shape your life accordingly.

    Trudy’s point concerning a relationship being centered around Christ is also what I see as pivotal to a Christian Romance. My wife and I have disappointed each other many times in 31 years of marriage. Some of those times were deep, deep hurts. However, we were committed to the understanding, from before the very start, that the cord of three strands is the only one that lasts. Those of you who have shared of the sacrifices you have made in your marriages are my heroes. You are the ones who, throughout eternity, will be able to tell your story about how, despite the suffering, God was faithful. The present pain is not worthy to be compared with the glory and joy that such testimony will bring in heaven. Your stories will be the romances that point to the glory of the Lover of our souls, the heart to which every true romance points.

    As a man, I have learned, by reading many different authors, about little expressions of love. I have made a point of learning what is important to my wife (see Pursuit above.) I know that candy and flowers mean very little to her, but doing the dishes and vacuuming are worth their weight in gold. By reading all these stories, I see common threads of kindness: a kiss that I share with no one else in the world, holding hands in public, a neck rub, sharing laughter, making coffee or dinner. These small blessings, given because I know my beloved and her preferences, are demonstrated in story after story from the pens (and computers :)) of Christian Romance authors. I have learned to ice the cake of my loving commitment with these sweet tastes.

    Just a final thought on valuing. I learned somewhere along the way that the value of something is what someone else is willing to pay for it. So, what are we willing to give for our beloved? Just like our relationship with God, what of our time, talent and treasure are we willing to expend in order to tell the one we claim to love that they are truly loved?

    I realize that I am echoing many of the thoughts already shared. If there is anything unique for me to add, it would be that we men, too, long for the passionate, costly pursuit of our beloved.

  25. I know most men aren’t as verbal as women, but the one thing that I think would please many women (or at least in my experience) is for them to express an opinion if they have one about a particular topic rather than remain silent about it. Nothing used to drive me more “batty” than when I’d have a conversation with my ex-husband about plans for the day, how we were to solve a looming problem, the bills, whatever…and then when it was time to do that previously-agreed upon thing, it was an “issue”. He didn’t want to do that, go there, etc. Well, after I talked about it with him in the beginning, most of the time he didn’t say anything afterwards, just listened. So, to me, that was agreeing. But then we’d have these simple plans/errands become not so simple at the last second and after a few of those, I’d tell him right out, “Just tell me ‘No, I don’t want to do that’ in the beginning when we talk about it rather than say nothing. When you say nothing, I think you’re agreeing with me. It’s fine if you don’t want to; just tell me.” Of course, this seemed to fall on deaf ears as I had to keep reminding him over and over of it. No, this most certainly wasn’t why we got divorced — this was probably the most teeny-tiny thing he did wrong. But it was VERY annoying! Anyone else’s spouse/boyfriend do this??

    • That’s an interesting question. I think sometimes my husband will go along with my ideas to please me. Maybe that’s even why he listened to a romance novel with me. If he doesn’t want to do something, I can usually tell before he says anything. But I think that goes both ways with us. Give and take.

  26. Thank you for this post! I’m single but will definitely seek a man who loves romance too (lol).

  27. I love this post!! When I wrote my first book, a romance, I worked in the male-dominated industry of Information Technology. My office of 8000 people probably had 5000 men. Often, the topic of my published book would come up, and the men were always interested. “Would I want to read it?” they’d ask. I’d usually respond, “Well, for women it’s a romance novel, but for you, it would be a romance manual.” Chuckle, chuckle.

    • Lol. I love it. My Uncle Bud did read my first romance novel. He said, “I think it’s more for the ladies, but I enjoyed it.” Sweet little old man. He won my heart that day.

  28. As a woman who have never been married I want men to know that sometimes it is the simple things that gets us. I would appreciate a picnic on the beach as the sun set because that appeals to my spirit. You need to learn what would move your woman’s heart not every woman. Anyone who knows me know that I find joy in books and tea.

    As one of the other commenter stated nothing moves my heart like a man after God’s heart. He will make mistakes but he is still pursuing God because He understand that without God everything and everyone is meaningless. A man who loves God will love and treasure you as God does.

  30. Thought provoking post! Am sharing it with my husband. I’m so curious to hear his response! I am presently doing every thing I can to engage him in helping brainstorm the male protagonist’s POV in my next project.

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