Are you unlovable?
What happens when a woman feels unloved?
It crushes her spirit, bruises her soul, and sucks the very life out of her drive and motivation. Not to mention the number it does on her self-confidence.
What happens when a woman feels unloved by her husband?
All the above. Times ten. She may even feel ashamed, lost, and at fault.
As women, we thrive when we feel loved. We blossom. We become a force for good. We share that love and spread it around.
When we feel unloved, though… the opposite happens. It hurts.
I was talking to a friend recently, and it sparked a conversation about love, marriage, and the Bible.
I realize that not everybody who reads this is going to be married, but bear with me. This is a truth that applies across all relationships. I’ve just chosen to talk about it in terms of marriage.
Let’s face it. Even when we know that God loves us and that our identity is in Christ, feeling unloved is painful.
Is it our fault, though? Are we unlovable?
Let’s take a look at a guy named Hosea. (If you want to get to know him more, you can find him in the Old Testament. There’s a book named after him.) God told him to marry a woman named Gomer. Gomer was a prostitute. Ouch. But Hosea did it. He brought Gomer out of a life of prostitution, married, her and loved her. They were married, so, yeah, I’m sure it wasn’t always peaches and roses and that Hosea didn’t put his best foot forward every single day, but he treated Gomer…well, better than she deserved. And Gomer? She had three kids, only one of which belonged to her husband. Then she returned to a life of prostitution. Poor Hosea, right? Sure, you can feel bad for him if you want. Or you can cheer him on. He went after Gomer, brought her back home, restored her as his wife, and loved her.
So here’s the question. Was Hosea’s treatment of Gomer a reflection of Gomer’s worth? Or a reflection of Hosea’s relationship with God? I’d say the latter.
Hosea honored his wife. He treated her well. He loved her. I’m sure they had their moments, but he didn’t give up on her. I’m pretty sure her infidelity isn’t what motivated him. Or the fact that she ran away. Or the whole going-back-to-being-a-prostitute thing.
All the good that Hosea did in his relationship with Gomer was motivated by his relationship with God and his understanding of God’s love for him. If God so loved him, how could he not share his own love with Gomer?
Now let’s apply this to our lives. Feeling unloved in your marriage? Maybe it has less to do with you and more to do with your spouse’s relationship with God. After all, if a husband treats his wife well because of his love of God, then wouldn’t it follow that he treats her poorly because of his relationship with Him? Maybe it’s lacking. Maybe it’s suffering. But either way – how a man treats his wife is a direct reflection of the place he’s given God in his life. For better…and for worse.
On the flip side of that same token, how we treat our husbands is more about God than it is about that man we fall asleep next to each night.
Talk about a double-edged sword.
Sometimes in marriage it can be easy to lay blame at the other person’s feet. It’s his fault that I’m angry all the time… If he only treated me better, I’d be nicer to him.
That’s not scriptural, though.
We’re responsible for how we treat others – be it husband, family, co-worker, neighbor, or anyone else – regardless of how they treat us. And we have to answer to God for that treatment, too.
So back to the original question. Are you unlovable?
Not by a long shot. Jesus loves you so much he willingly went to the cross to die for you so that you could have an abundant life. If you’re feeling unloved in your marriage, though – or in any other relationship – maybe that person is having some issues with God, and you’re getting the spillover. I know that’s not the only reason relationships struggle, but I do think it’s a big one, so take a step back and look at that first.
While you’re looking, make sure to take a peek in the mirror.
Because this truth applies to you as much as it does to the other people in your life.
It applies to me, too. And – tempting as it is – I won’t take that look in the mirror right after a hot shower when the glass is all steamy and everything looks whimsically perfect.
Scary though it may be, we need to take a look at the real us – blemishes, scars, and all.
My prayer for each of you is that, in the looking, you discover that you are lovable…and able to love.