Are you unlovable?
What happens when a woman feels unloved?
It crushes her spirit, bruises her soul, and sucks the very life out of her drive and motivation. Not to mention the number it does on her self-confidence.
What happens when a woman feels unloved by her husband?
All the above. Times ten. She may even feel ashamed, lost, and at fault.
As women, we thrive when we feel loved. We blossom. We become a force for good. We share that love and spread it around.
When we feel unloved, though… the opposite happens. It hurts.
I was talking to a friend recently, and it sparked a conversation about love, marriage, and the Bible.
I realize that not everybody who reads this is going to be married, but bear with me. This is a truth that applies across all relationships. I’ve just chosen to talk about it in terms of marriage.
Let’s face it. Even when we know that God loves us and that our identity is in Christ, feeling unloved is painful.
Is it our fault, though? Are we unlovable?
Let’s take a look at a guy named Hosea. (If you want to get to know him more, you can find him in the Old Testament. There’s a book named after him.) God told him to marry a woman named Gomer. Gomer was a prostitute. Ouch. But Hosea did it. He brought Gomer out of a life of prostitution, married, her and loved her. They were married, so, yeah, I’m sure it wasn’t always peaches and roses and that Hosea didn’t put his best foot forward every single day, but he treated Gomer…well, better than she deserved. And Gomer? She had three kids, only one of which belonged to her husband. Then she returned to a life of prostitution. Poor Hosea, right? Sure, you can feel bad for him if you want. Or you can cheer him on. He went after Gomer, brought her back home, restored her as his wife, and loved her.
So here’s the question. Was Hosea’s treatment of Gomer a reflection of Gomer’s worth? Or a reflection of Hosea’s relationship with God? I’d say the latter.
Hosea honored his wife. He treated her well. He loved her. I’m sure they had their moments, but he didn’t give up on her. I’m pretty sure her infidelity isn’t what motivated him. Or the fact that she ran away. Or the whole going-back-to-being-a-prostitute thing.
Right?
All the good that Hosea did in his relationship with Gomer was motivated by his relationship with God and his understanding of God’s love for him. If God so loved him, how could he not share his own love with Gomer?
Now let’s apply this to our lives. Feeling unloved in your marriage? Maybe it has less to do with you and more to do with your spouse’s relationship with God. After all, if a husband treats his wife well because of his love of God, then wouldn’t it follow that he treats her poorly because of his relationship with Him? Maybe it’s lacking. Maybe it’s suffering. But either way – how a man treats his wife is a direct reflection of the place he’s given God in his life. For better…and for worse.
On the flip side of that same token, how we treat our husbands is more about God than it is about that man we fall asleep next to each night.
Talk about a double-edged sword.
Sometimes in marriage it can be easy to lay blame at the other person’s feet. It’s his fault that I’m angry all the time… If he only treated me better, I’d be nicer to him.
That’s not scriptural, though.
We’re responsible for how we treat others – be it husband, family, co-worker, neighbor, or anyone else – regardless of how they treat us. And we have to answer to God for that treatment, too.
So back to the original question. Are you unlovable?
Not by a long shot. Jesus loves you so much he willingly went to the cross to die for you so that you could have an abundant life. If you’re feeling unloved in your marriage, though – or in any other relationship – maybe that person is having some issues with God, and you’re getting the spillover. I know that’s not the only reason relationships struggle, but I do think it’s a big one, so take a step back and look at that first.
While you’re looking, make sure to take a peek in the mirror.
Because this truth applies to you as much as it does to the other people in your life.
It applies to me, too. And – tempting as it is – I won’t take that look in the mirror right after a hot shower when the glass is all steamy and everything looks whimsically perfect.
Scary though it may be, we need to take a look at the real us – blemishes, scars, and all.
My prayer for each of you is that, in the looking, you discover that you are lovable…and able to love.
Heather Gray loves coffee, God, her family, and laughter – not necessarily in that order! She writes approachable characters who, through the highs and lows of life, find a way to love God, embrace each day, and laugh out loud right along with her. And, yeah, her books almost always have someone who's a coffee addict. Some things just can't be helped. Despite their different lives and situations, Heather’s characters have something in common. They're all flawed...but loved anyway.
Beautiful post, Heather.
Thought provoking question to ponder this month of love. Love is a choice. Our choice how we love God, those around us, and ourselves. Best wishes.
Wonderful post, thank you Heather!
I so resonates with what I just wrote in my journal. I’m struggling with writing a particularly unlovable hero right now, and God’s making good use of the opportunity to show me all the ways I’m like my hero. All the places in my heart and my life I’ve chosen to make unlovable, by holding them back from full relationship with Him.
Beautiful post. Although there are times when I don’t feel lovable, I know that God loves me no matter what the situation. I am blessed with a loving family and loving friends, too. :-)
Excellent! I love that you looked at multiple sides of this issue.
Truth. Deep, resonating truth. Thank you.
Thank you so much for stopping by Jill! Wishing you a blessed day!!
So glad you spent some time with us today Katy! While I covered more than one side, I’m sure I didn’t hit them all. That’s the beauty of life with God, isn’t it? He’s always growing us and showing us more! :)
Beautifully put, Autumn! How easy it is for us to give God – and other people – the lovable parts of us. The shiny, spit-polished, attractive parts. And how hard it is to be vulnerable enough to share the rusty, dingy, dirty parts of who we are. It’s only in the shining of light on those parts, though, that they have a chance to be transformed. It’s only when we welcome God into the darkest corners of our hearts that we achieve victory over those parts of ourselves we’ve always hidden and thought of as ugly. I can’t wait to read your hero’s journey!
So true Renate! Love IS a choice, and it’s not one that we make my default. Very few people get up in the morning and are automatically set to love God more than they love themselves, or to love the unlovable people in their life. We usually get up and don’t give it a thought. Then, when those unlovable people cross our path, we don’t shower them with love. We might give them indifference or even tolerance – and think they should be grateful for that much – but we don’t give them love. We have to choose to love those people who don’t bring out the best in us just like we have to choose to put our love for God ahead of our love for self. It’s a daily choice, but I’ve found that, the more often I make that choice, the easier it is to make. Blessings!
I’m so glad you stopped by today Melissa! I think we all have times when we don’t feel particularly lovable without it being the fault of anyone treating us poorly. I was talking to a friend recently about the difference between guilt and shame. When we’ve done something wrong, it’s right that we feel guilty – or convicted – for our actions. Shame does not come from God, though. It’s something we do to ourselves. While it’s right that we feel guilty/convicted, shame is not a part of God’s plan for us, and we shouldn’t feel that. God convicts us, but we shame ourselves. (At least in mainstream America. I know there are some cultures where “shaming” occurs regularly by family members.) It’s kind of the same thing with feeling lovable. No matter what we’ve done wrong, when we look to God, we know we are loved. When we instead focus on our misdeed – no matter how big or small that deed is – then we can lose sight of God’s love, and we’re left feeling unlovable – we’re left feeling ashamed. You’re not the only person to ever feels that way – trust me! What a blessing that you have a loving family to lift you up! Hugs!!
Thanks for stopping by Valerie! And you’re welcome – even though God gets all the credit for this one. He’s been teaching me some great things, both through my own life and through people He’s brought into my life. I’m a teacher at heart, too. I can’t help but want to share what I learn. :) Have a blessed day!!
Love this, Heather! Thanks for sharing it with us.
Thank you for blessing us today, Heather. One of the points from a wedding ceremony in my recent book was that love isn’t a random event. It’s not something to be taken for granted but something to nurture, cherish, and cultivate in order for it to flourish and grow. That takes a lot of work. It also means unconditional love like Hosea had for Gomer, and bringing her back time after time and loving her in spite of herself. I love that you’re a teacher at heart, and I hope you’ll be bringing many more “lessons” to us. Blessings!
As far as husbands, I’ve had both. My ex was abusive and manipulative, so all those feelings you described when a woman is unloved by her husband is true. My present husband loves me in the way God does. He’s the personification of 1 Corinthians 13 (the love chapter). What a difference it’s made in my life! Like that blossoming analogy you mentioned….a flower opening to the sun :-) I’m sure there are times that my actions or attitudes can be unlovable, but he still sticks by me and loves me through it. I try everyday to show him my love as well & water his garden so that he can grow right along with me.
What a difference God is in our marriages, showing us our unlovable traits & loving us in spite of it! Jesus was the perfect example of how we are to love people :-)
Very thought provoking post, Heather. I’ve definitely been in that unloving marriage, and you’re right, some of it was a reflection of my ex’s non-relationship with the Lord. On the other hand, I was no angel during the marriage; I definitely didn’t live up to the high standards God sets for us. We live and learn, and thank heavens, we’re forgiven!
Thank you for stopping by Sally – I’m glad you enjoyed the post!
It all comes down to mercy and forgiveness, doesn’t it? God extends it to us, and we extend it to others…and God is ever patient with us as we often end up taking two steps forward and another step back in that process of growth.
Thanks so much for stopping by JoAnn! Wedding ceremonies make fabulous book scenes because they’re such fabulous real-life scenes! I’ve told more than one young bride not to stress too much over their wedding. It’s only going to last a day. The marriage, on the other hand, is for a lifetime, and it’s going to be a whole lot more work than the wedding. A whole lot more rewarding, too! :)
Trixi, I am SO glad you have that loving husband now! And that your garden gets watered daily. :) I think of the analogy of the cup…we often pour out of ourselves until our cup is empty. When we have someone pouring into us, though, our cup never runs out…we always have more water, and we’re glad to share it. Wishing you and your husband many wonderful years of watering each other’s garden!!