Have you ever compared yourself to other people then felt inadequate or second-best?
I admit I have! far too many times than I should.
Other girls at school, from the more popular ones to the ones who had the coveted 36 color pencil set in the metal box to the ones who could speak and sing in front of the class and weren’t so painfully shy.
Then there was my sister, so much prettier than me with beautiful long hair. So much more talented at things I had zero talent for, but wished I did. (Of course, I discovered when we’d both grown up that she compared herself to me and felt bad about herself right back for a whole different set of things!)
As a preteen and teen, comparing myself went into overdrive. Who was prettier? (Nearly everyone – I had terrible spots!). Who had more friends? Who did the boy I was crushing on like better than me? Becoming a Christian didn’t change the comparisons, just changed the things I compared. Who had read more of the Bible? Who was the better witness? Which camp counselors brought more of their cabins to know Christ?
Unfortunately, though I grew out of the spots, I didn’t grow out of the comparing! Hopefully though, I’m doing it differently now.
Comparing ourselves with other is a good, helpful thing, done right. Having role models who are further along the journey than us can teach us. As a nurse, I learned so much from watching other nurses work. As an author, I learn so much from seeing how other authors do it. As a Christian, I learn so much from seeing the habits and behavior of other Christians who are bearing God’s good fruit in their lives.
But if we’re not careful, comparing and judging ourselves as less than others as can lead to giving up, jealousy, or despair. Judging ourselves based on other women’s seemingly perfect lives and homes and families on Facebook or Pinterest, especially! Or we may start thinking how well we’re doing compared to others, opening the doors to the other wicked stepsisters in this family, pride and complacency.
Not what God intends for us!
Samantha Rose, the heroine of the book I’ve just finished writing, has a big issue with comparisons. All her life, she’s compared herself to her mother and sister, both gifted homemakers and Proverbs 31 women. Unlike her. She’s given up on trying to cook or keep house. That’s why God invented pizza places, right? And her untidiness is a sign of a busy person, that’s all. A tomboy like her working in IT doesn’t need to know how to be a homemaker.
Until she’s forced into it when she agrees to care for her sister’s five-year-old twins for the summer!
Suddenly, she needs a crash course in cooking. But even more than she needs to learn to keep a tidy house and prepare meals, Sam needs to learn that God has given us different gifts and talents, for His own purposes. She isn’t less-than because she has a talent in one area but not in others. In His eyes, we’re all equal. Equally valued, equally loved. Different parts of the same body.
She needs to learn what being a real Proverbs 31 woman is: A woman who says “Yes” to God.
Any time we find ourselves comparing and feeling bad about ourselves, we can hand those feelings of inadequacy over to Him, trusting that He does have a loving plan and purpose for every single one of us. He created us as we are for a reason.
For You shaped me, inside and out.
You knitted me together in my mother’s womb long before I took my first breath.
I will offer You my grateful heart, for I am Your unique creation, filled with wonder and awe.
You have approached even the smallest details with excellence.
Your works are wonderful; I carry this knowledge deep within my soul.Psalm 139:13-14, The Voice
Here’s more about Imperfectly Proverbs 31 , Book 2 in my Huckleberry Lake series:
To help her archaeologist sister, geeky Samantha Rose agrees to swap her black T-shirts and diet of pizza and ice-cream for a pretty apron and a summer caring for her adorable twin nieces and their newfoundland dog in Huckleberry Lake, Idaho. How hard can it be?
But when Perfectly Proverbs 31, the homemaker blog she starts to reassure her sister, goes viral and everyone believes it’s real, Sam needs to reluctantly keep up the pretense. If she doesn’t, she risks ruining everyone’s summer. The girls’ over-protective grandma will surely to swoop in to take the girls.
Forced by his boss to interview Sam then take a vacation, a month at the lake with nothing to do but write a fluff piece is burned-out city crime journalist Daniel Novak’s worst nightmare. But he finds her surprising and delightful, as her attempts to impress him with a picnic go horribly wrong. Time with Sam could restore his lost faith in people — and in God.
Can Ms Klutz-in-the-Kitchen transform herself to a Proverbs 31 woman in time to stop him revealing the truth about her blog? And what will happen to their growing love if he does?
I don’t have a buy link yet, but the story will be published in early July as part of a lovely new boxed set, Picnics & Promises. With stories from Marion Ueckermann, Jan Elder, Cecelia Dowdy, Claire Revell and Mary Manners, it’s a must read! Here’s the gorgeous cover Marion made. To be notified when the set launches (with a 99c release week price!), sign up for my newsletter, or follow me on either Amazon or BookBub.
Have you had a problem with comparing yourself to others? Or just want to say Hi? All comments on this post before midnight July 4, will go in the draw for a free ebook copy of Imperfectly Proverbs 31!
USA Today bestselling author Autumn Macarthur writes romances full of faith and hope, celebrating God's love as well as a man and a woman finding their happily ever after. She prays they’ll warm your heart and make you smile. An Australian transplanted to Britain, Autumn lives just north of London with her lovely English husband and three demanding cats, in a very small house with a teensy tiny garden. She loves talking to readers, so please get in touch! And get a free Christian romance novella when you sign up for her reader newsletter at http://bit.ly/Autumnsubscribe
Great post, Autumn! I agree, in some situations comparing ourselves with others such as your nurse example is a good thing. There have been studies which show a strong correlation between Facebook usage and depression. I think it’s a slippery slope for ones who aren’t confident with themselves, especially teens. I like to refer to it as Fakebook. Your post brought to mind Galatians 1:10 For am I now seeking the approval of man, or of God? Or am I trying to please man? If I were still trying to please man, I would not be a servant[a] of Christ.
Hi Autumn, love Psalm 139. I think we delude ourselves if we claim to never compare ourselves to others! We sing a great song at church that has the lines “I know who I am, I am Yours”, which I find myself singing throughout the day to remind myself that it only matters what God thinks of us.
Blessings (and the new story looks great:)
Love that Jill, Fakebook! I need to tell my students that one:)
I think it’s only naturally to compare ourselves to others but as we get older, we begin to appreciate who we are because we finally know (in some cases) what our purpose is.
HI Autumn—this sounds like a great, fun story. I love that meme that says, “Flowers don’t compare themselves to other flowers, they simply bloom.” I think of that often, as I do find myself comparing to others and wishing I could do things faster, better, with more style and ease. Thanks for this post. :)
This post really touched my heart. I can’t wait to hear more about the boxed set!
I know I enjoyed the first Huckleberry Lake book, so I’m eager to read this one. On the subject of comparing ourselves with others, I remember one time that I was visiting a friend I’d grown up with, after not seeing her for a long time. It came out that she had always envied my somewhat frizzy blonde hair, and I had always envied her sleek dark hair!
Always. Too much. I think it’s one of Satan’s favorite snags for women… maybe men, too.
Looks like a fun story!
I guess we all compare ourselves with others and somehow when I do the comparison I always seem to lose, I’m always worse… I found really funny what you said about your sister because I’ve had the same experience with my sister.
Sounds like a great story and I can’t wait to read it.
Boy, does this one hit home. I have been awful about comparing, and yes, I have given up many times. My family is still a mess, though I am working on doing better all around. It’s so easy to see the outside of what people want you to see and you really have no clue how things really are with them. It’s hard to be real with everyone, and though I’ll be real with a small group of people, I don’t want to talk about everything with everyone. That said, I do try and make sure everyone feels welcome and try even harder to not put myself into any “cliques”, which sadly are still part of the adult world.
This was a “Perfect” post! Yes, I’ve fallen into the comparison trap before and while I may have moved beyond it at this point in my life, I can still feel the pull sometimes. I look forward to reading your story!
oh my! how true is this!! comparing is so damaging to our self image. and it’s not the same as observing others and striving to be our best self. not exactly a comparing story, but i recently claimed a huge victory for myself. a woman i’ve admired for many years shrugged off any attempt on my part to engage in fellowship / friendship, even though we were in church together for a few years. I started to message her the other day, then caught myself. “Why am i doing this to myself?” “Why do i keep trying when she clearly isn’t interested?” rather than feel hurt or disappointed, I closed the dialogue box without sending a message. if she doesn’t want to engage in friendship, it’s her loss – and i can say that without conceit or vanity. I have no ill feeings toward this lady, but i have no more interest in wasting my time going after dead ends!! so there!
I was going to say the same thing about my sister.. “when I do the comparison I always seem to lose”… guess it really depends on the point of view!!!
I suppose I’ve chosen the wrong profession if I don’t want to compare myself to others, because in academia, everyone is making comparisons all the time, and we can only win if/when we beat others around us. To apply for a job, you need more publications, more teaching experience, and be a better fit to the program than everyone else.. and we rarely are.
So I keep wondering how do they hire? And how can I be hired? There will always be someone with more publications, more teaching experience, and who is also probably a better fit to the program (usually because they already work with other faculty in that program) than me.
I didn’t occur to me to stop comparing myself and just live it the way God wants me to live it. I need to start doing that.
It’s a nemesis of mine. I want to be as capable as I ‘see’ everyone else being. I want to be and do everything and the life challenges God gave me keep me from keeping up and it drives me batty.
Oh Autumn,
You hit the nail on the head….I’ve always compared myself with others for as long as I can remember. It’s something I struggle with constantly! I once even tried reading a book to help me with it. Perilous Pursuits – Our Obsession With Significance – by Joseph M. Stowell. I started reading it and then stopped because it got too close to the truth. UGH…maybe I should pick it up again.
I was born the 3rd in a family of 5 children so yes, I am the middle child and I show ALL the signs. I’m also the only blonde-haired, blue-eyed one in my family. (I look like my dad, everyone else look like my Italian mom) I’m also left-handed where NO ONE else is. UGH! I once heard my sisters say I was adopted and they called me the oddball. (They did this in teasing, but as a kid it sticks) So through all my life I struggled to prove myself.
As an adult I’ve worked on this and I feel God has helped in many ways, but those feelings rear up every once in a while when my walk is not as solid as it should be, or when satan wants to get at me.
Thanks for this blog post…..It was an encouragement!
So true, Jill! Great verse to use. There’s also Romans 2:12, a verse I love and use a lot (but LOL, DIDN’T use in this book, though it’s so appropriate!): Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is–his good, pleasing and perfect will.
Yes, those are the core questions. Are we seeking God’s approval, or human approval? Are we being who He created us to be, or what the world tells us we should be?
The fake world the media shows, from glossy magazines to Pinterest, aren’t the best measures to compare ourselves to. I’m glad you’re giving that knowledge to your students!
I love that, Wemble! “I know who I am, I am Yours”
Think I need to make myself a nice printable of that and stick it up where I can see it regularly!
So true, Colleen. Having a stronger sense who I am and who God wants me to be has been one of the biggest blessings of getting older for me. Also being a little better at being still with Him and hearing His guidance. When I was young, I guess I was too restless and too seeking to truly do that.
That’s a wonderful meme, Lindi, for sure!
LOLing imagining one rose in my garden comparing itself to another. “Awww, it’s not fair God. Why am I boring plain white and that rose next to me gets to be vibrant cerise?”
Embarrassed to say at times I’ve gone into sulks with God for not much better reason!
Hugs!
It should be a lovely set. Such a beautiful group of authors to work with. Hopefully it will release the first or second week of July and all the authors involved will announce it as soon as it’s available!
Unfortunately one author had unexpected family issues that quite correctly took precedence over writing.
LOL, Love that, Margaret! That is so true.
I was painfully shy in my teens and twenties and wished I could be like the more outgoing girls. A wise Christian counsellor told me a story from her teens, how she was very shy and quiet, and envied her vivacious extroverted friend. She discovered much later that the friend envied her for her qualities of stillness and repose, and saw her as the image of a 1 Peter 3 woman, with “the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit”.
Definitely an enemy trap, Valerie. And yep, I’m sure men do it too.
I hope it’s a fun story! I had fun writing it, anyway. :)
LOL, Laura and Priscila! Yes! When we compare and criticize ourselves, it never occurs to us that someone else might be looking at us and doing the same!
“It’s so easy to see the outside of what people want you to see and you really have no clue how things really are with them.”
This, a thousand times!
Yes. I think there is wisdom in not showing our total messiness (and we ALL have it!) to everyone we meet! But we do need people we feel safe to be real with, and we do need to make sure we’re not presenting a false front.
That’s actually turning our to be a running joke in the completely different story I’m working on now (for July release too, so I have to write fast!). Both hero and heroine are in very messy times of transition in their lives, and both have the self-protective habit of saying “I’m fine”, whenever anyone asks how they are or offers help. But because they’re both doing it, and they both KNOW they’re both doing it, it becomes safe for them to open up to each other. I’m not quite sure yet how I’ll get them to the next step of opening up to others too and admitting they need help (acknowledging that God designed us to live in interdependence, not independence) but it will come!
This sounds like a good story and I can’t wait for the box set.
Love the blog post.
Wonderful reminders. Thanks, Autumn.
LOL at the “perfect post”!
I’m sure we all do still feel that pull, Julianne. I’m not sure comparisons are always bad, only when they make us fall into the sins of envy or putting ourselves down, or we let them pull us away from God.
Like a very silly example from my own life – I stopped coloring my hair when I was sick, because I just couldn’t manage to do it, either myself or in the hairdressers. I do not like the dingy greying reddish-brown it’s faded to one bit! For a while, every time I looked in the mirror I felt bad about how I looked. I ended up taking that one to God when He reminded me that no part of our lives is too small for him to care about. And then that led to opening the whole much bigger hidden issue of the anger with God over my illness I’d tried to pretend I didn’t feel.
But, it only really started opening up when a photo of us side by side made me compare how I look to a friend around my age who DOES still color her hair!
So like many things in life, I guess comparison can go both ways. It surely can be a snare the enemy uses to take us away from God. Or if we take how we feel about that comparison to God, it can help bring us closer to Him.
LOL, Robin! That sounds like wisdom to me! Her loss. And then you let it go into God’s hands. :)
I really like the way you describe the good sort of comparing: “observing others and striving to be our best self”. Yes, that can be such a positive process, and I’m sure God brings some people into our lives for that reason.
“stop comparing myself and just live it the way God wants me to live it”. Love it, Priscila, and praying for you as you walk that road! We all need a meme of this somewhere we can see it all the time.
Certainly some professions are more likely to foster a competitive spirit than others. But even there, if you’re doing your life the way God wants you to, He’ll surely also lead you to the right position.
It sounds like the alternative is too exhausting – living with constant pressure to keep striving and do better than everyone around you. Being willing to work hard and give it all we can is positive. Being in a situation where the expectations take over our lives is not!
Writing can be a bit like that too. Rather than just being with God as writing what He calls us to write, there can be pressure to write more, write faster, write this sort of story because that sells, keep checking the bestseller lists, compare to other authors…
Hoo boy! I was there for a while, and it was exhausting!
I can feel your exhaustion so well. Thanks for the encouraging words, not just the post, but this reply.
Okay so I feel like I need a full disclaimer here, because my Laura is my sister (finally convinced her to follow the blog, not just buy the books I “tell her” to buy/sometimes borrow and read) and these comments are just fun (and so true!).
I always write a nice long post then lose it! I don’t like people that put others down simply to make themselves feel better.
Hugs, Sabrina! What we don’t know is how much some of those people struggle with life challenges. I try to remember that. Most of us only post on Facebook when things are either really bad and we need prayer, or when things are running smoothly and we’re praising God. Or is that just me?
But most of life happens in that messy bit in the middle where it’s not “disaster please pray” and it’s not rainbows and sunshine either. Those days when getting out of bed can feel a big enough challenge, let alone getting through everything else! Or we get out of bed bright and chirpy and ready to face anything that comes, and then the day just keeps throwing stuff at us and stuff at us and stuff at us. I’m guessing a lot of us live in that zone a lot of the time.
All we can really do is remember to keep praying, and know and trust that God is just as ready to be there with us and support us with the zillion little difficulties that clutter up our days as he is with the big things. <3
I’m glad it was encouraging, Marylin.
Oh my, yes. Being different from the rest of the family can be tough. And siblings’ teasing often sticks as hurtful, even though no hurt was intended. I used to pray I’d discover I had been adopted, as I felt such a bad fit in my family! Love them now, but it was tough at times!
Good is good and He will always help us, but the enemy does know our weak spots and how best to have a dig at them. Knowing our weak spots is half the battle won, because when those spots do get poked, we know what’s happening! I’m trying to get a lot less reactive and a lot more, “I know where this feeling is coming from, and I’m handing it over to God.”
Praying for you!
Oops, why do the typos only become visible AFTER hitting post! Obviously that should say God is good!
Thanks Linda! It should be a really lovely set. Love the other authors in it!
Thanks for reading and sharing, Marrillee! :)
So frustrating when posts or comments disappear! I get it because I’m using my tablet computer rather than my laptop for most things (less migraine-inducing). Problem is, the screen periodically reloads, which means anything I was writing in an internet form (like these comment boxes!) vanishes.
Agreed, on anyone who deliberately puts others down. That’s an especially nasty type of bullying because it’s often so subtle the person on the receiving end doesn’t realise what’s happening for a while, and instead takes those put-downs to heart.
Hugs if that’s happening to you, and prayers for protection from it.
Agreed. My triggers are weight and musical talent. I’ve never been tiny or had a strong voice. However there was this woman at church who seemed to have it all. Beautiful, nice family, sings well and the list goes on. Fortunately she was beautiful inside and out.
I have to remember that God only made one me and that is who I’m supposed to be. I’ll probably never be a size 10 or be on Broadway but I’m trying to be in His will. So thankful for His Grace and mercy and patience with this work in progress.
Grr, bad day for typos. Sorry, Merrillee!
Hugs, Priscila. Praying God leads you to where He most wants you soon!
It’s funny how we have particular things that are triggers! We all do, and they’ll be different for all of us.
I’m thinking we need to ask what talents in ourselves aren’t we seeing or appreciating or using the way God intended? Seems the enemy’s best weapons aren’t always big and obvious, but subtle things like getting us so focused on what we lack that we’re not seeing what we have and so aren’t using it for God’s glory.
Hmm, that’s something I need to ponder and think where I might be doing that!
I’m terribly guilty of comparing in unhealthy ways and I’m so upset with myself when I do it. I know God loves me anyway but I still hate when I do it. I do allot of apologizing to God for my unhealthy thinking and pray for help not do it .
jennydtipton at gmail dot com
Great post. We should not compare ourselves to others, as God looks at the heart and not the person outer appearance. I have learned many valuable lessons on comparing myself to others(it does not work) and God has showed me how do Trust in Him and thank Him for who He created ME to be!!!
Jenny, we all do! I’m so grateful we have such a big, forgiving God. Remember to forgive yourself, too!
That’s definitely the best antidote to unhealthy comparing, Andrea. Recognising the gifts and talents God gave us, trusting He made us as we are for a reason (even if we can’t see it yet!), and thanking Him for it!
Sometimes that can be a long slow lesson to learn! :)
Great post! Not comparing is so hard. Your blurb about your book makes me want to read it! Sounds like a great story! Twins and a newfoundland dog? Can’t wait to see what happens! Thanks for the chance to win a copy!
It is easy to compare myself to others… “Oh, I’m not as thin as that person, my hair isn’t shiny and straight as her, I don’t make as much money, etc, etc.” But I’m learning to be content with what I have and to this point I have been blessed so much!
I love books about cooking and food, and your new release sounds like a lot of fun! :)
It was a fun story to write, so I hope it’s also going to be a fun story for readers too! :)
Hi, Piepie! You are so right, the biggest problem with comparing is that it can stop us seeing our own gifts and blessings. Contentment is such a lovely feeling. I’ve only very recently learned that! :)
I totally understand, this has happen to me a few times. Yet, I see it in many books and that’s why I’ve started my new business to help authors. I know how frustrating it is to be reading a wonderful story only to have a word spelled wrong, or the wrong word used. UGH! Auto-correct isn’t our friend at times! If you’d like more information you can check out my website: http://www.mfurumasu.wixsite.com/mfliteraryworks
Well you have me sold already! Your story and the whole collection sound marvelous! I used to have a bad habit of comparing myself to others, especially during that whole middle school angst. My dad (who was not one who was much for words) told me that all those girls that I was comparing myself to put their pants on the same way I do, one leg at a time! I’ve always remembered that, and remind myself of it frequently!
Trdivincenzo (at) gmail (dot) com
LOL, love that, Teri! Wise Dad. :)
I USED to compare myself with others years ago. But I found it does no good and just makes me feel bad. I’ve accepted myself as I am, a child of God and He says I’m worthy & loved :-)
Every one of us is different, every one of us has different talents, skills, and abilities. God can and will use anyone who has a willing heart :-) Let’s not waste precious time comparing ourselves with someone “better”, because they may see themselves as “worse” than you.
Let’s learn to see ourselves through God’s eyes!
Wise words, Trixi, and so true. :)
Yes, if we looked at ourselves and others the way God does, what a different place this world would be!
Definitely easy to do Autumn. It’s very easy to point out all of the flaws in myself. My worst thing is to compare my vocals, or musical giftings to others. I often forget that God has given me my own measure of talent. It can be hard at times to find contentment in who we are. In who God has created us to be. When we are fully walking in His ways (to the best of our abilities etc) I find that it is the only time I am truly comfortable in my own skin.
Have a great weekend and holiday!
You too, Rachael, hope this is a lovely weekend for you!
Yes, absolutely agree. Love the way you worded this:
“When we are fully walking in His ways (to the best of our abilities etc) I find that it is the only time I am truly comfortable in my own skin.”
Thank you Autumn! I need a closer relationship with Him. My goal is to achieve that closer relationship.
Me too, Sabrina! :)
LOL, I only just saw this and I’m chuckling!