Confession time: I don’t like to make decisions. Never have. Probably never will.
If I were writing myself as a character in a story, I’d try to figure out why I have such a hard time with decisions. What event from my past made me this way? As far as I can remember, there wasn’t one specific event or even a series of events that made me reluctant to make decisions. I think it probably stems back to the fact that I’m a people pleaser. I don’t want to make a decision that might make someone else unhappy. Again, if I were writing myself as a character, I’d dig deeper into that, but fortunately, I’m not, so I can simply say, “That’s just the way I am.”
The problem is that, as an author, I have to make decisions every day, not only for my business (When should I release this book? How much should I charge? How much time should I spend writing each day?) but also for my characters (Where should they go next? What should they do? How will they get their happily ever after?). Because as much as I might wish for them to, they simply refuse to write their own stories.
The funny thing is, when I’m making decisions for my characters, I often have to act in ways I wouldn’t when making decisions in real life. Here are some things I think about:
What would my character do in this situation? We’ve already established that I’m not writing myself as a character, so I can’t think about how I would react. I have to think about how my character would react. Often, that’s the exact opposite of what I would do in a given situation. For example, in Not Until This Moment, Peyton takes a black diamond ski hill. Me? I would stick to the bunny slope—or maybe the lodge, sipping hot cocoa.
What will make things worse for my characters? Obviously, when I’m making real-life decisions, I try to make ones that will make things better. But the heart of fiction is tension—and tension happens when things get worse for the characters. Sometimes I feel terrible doing it (like when I put Tyler and Isabel in the middle of a tornado in Not Until This Day), but it makes the happy ending all the sweeter after the characters have fought through so many obstacles.
How does this fit with the rest of the book? A book is like an intricate puzzle. All of the pieces have to fit together. If there’s a scene that doesn’t mesh with the rest, the whole puzzle is wrong. So I have to make sure to look at the big picture of where the story is going even as I make those little decisions about a specific scene. For every single book I’ve written, I have a pile of deleted scenes that were cut for this very reason.
What feels right? Not to sound all flighty about it, but a lot of what goes into a story is what feels right. It still has to be logical, fit with what the character would do, and flow with the rest of the story—but in the end, sometimes a decision fits all of those criteria and still doesn’t feel quite right. In those cases, it takes a little intuition—and a whole lot of rewriting—to find the decision that feels right for the story.
What will best showcase God’s love? This one applies equally to real life and to my books. As I’m making decisions for my characters (and for myself), I need to consider how they can shine the light of God’s love. Sometimes in books, that means bringing characters to their lowest point before the wonderful news of the salvation won for us in Christ finally breaks through their hard hearts. But isn’t that the way it is in real life too? I think one of my favorite low points is in Not Until Us—because Jade’s bad decision ultimately allows God’s grace and forgiveness to shine so fully.
The best part about making decisions when writing a book is that, unlike in real life, the decisions can easily be undone and rewritten. I don’t like what a character did in that scene? Delete it. That decision didn’t drive the story in the right direction? It’s gone. And I can do that again and again until I find the decision that feels just right.
So that’s my decision-making process for fiction. Now if I could just figure out as clear of a process for real life, especially as my family is in the middle of making one of the biggest decisions of our life (or at least a decision that could lead to one of the biggest changes in our life) in moving from Wisconsin to Texas. I will continue to keep you posted as we take this process one decision (and lots of prayers) at a time!
What about you: Do you like to make decisions, or are you like me and would rather let someone else decide?
Speaking of decisions, I’ve decided (see, who says I’m indecisive?) to do a giveaway. One person who comments by April 30 will be randomly chosen to win an ebook copy of the Hope Springs Books 1-3 box set.
Valerie M. Bodden has three great loves: Jesus, her family, and books. And chocolate (okay, four great loves). She writes emotion-filled Christian fiction that weaves real-life problems, real-life people, and real-life faith. Her characters may (okay, will) experience some heartache along the way, but true to her tendencies as a hopeless romantic, she will always give them a happy ending. Valerie is living out her happily ever after in Wisconsin with her high-school-sweetheart-turned-husband and their four children. Visit her at www.valeriembodden.com to get a free story.
Excellent post about a very important question.
The women’s fellowship in my church is studying a book that speaks exactly to this. It’s called In His Image by Jen Wilkin. To quote from the book, “But often we must choose between two options that appear either equally wise or equally unwise. Often the answer to the question ‘What should I do?’ could go either way. Which brings us to the better question. For the believer wanting to know God’s will for her life, the first question to pose is not ‘What should I do,’ but ‘Who should I be?'”
I highly recommend this book. It’s rocking my world right now, in a good way as I turn my own paradigms around. :-)
I live alone so I guess I make most of my own decisions but on the bigger one I will talk to others. I also am someone who as always talked to myself in my mind (if this makes sense) It started when riding to school I use to ride with a girl and would get all her problems but she never had time for me. I had about 10 mins on my own and would be talking in my mind as if I was talking to someone else. I worked so much out doing this. I still do this when walking or riding. Some decisions I don’t want to make. I think for me sometimes its been a lack of confidence that has be a problem.
Hi Valerie! Depending on the complexity of the decision, decisions are not always easy to make. Who do the decisions affect and how long term is the affect? Thought provoking life question. Enjoy your weekend.
I think it depends on the situation.
Some decisions, such as health related, I make in an instant and never second guess, others I either have too many choices or “What if’s” and become overwhelmed. Many of those find me discussing it with God and hubby. The answer may not come via a loud booming voice, unless it’s from hubby, but I have to be still and listen for Gods guidance.
The easiest decision always seems like “no decision” or “I’ll decide later.” In both those cases, we just let the status quo carry us along, and sometimes that makes the decision for us, like in a missed opportunity we didn’t jump on quickly enough. But making life-altering decisions can take an awful lot of effort while stepping into the unknown. It is a scary place!
I’m learning to make some huge decision by myself! Oh, in the past I made the decision to buy a car, I choice the make and model, all of that. Now, though, it’s decisions about the house. Mom always made most of those decisions herself. Now that she’s not here, and I’ve inherited the home that I’ve lived in all of my life, I’m the one making all of the decisions. I’ll admit, I liked it better when I had someone who talked to me about the decisions to be made!! I pray about all of the decisions, but God doesn’t put in big letters the right decision!
I rather let someone else decide. I find making decisions very difficult! Thank you for sharing this!
I don’t like making decisions, either. I can trace it to my childhood. My mom has a very strong personality, and I was a people-pleaser, so she made almost all my choices for me — hairstyle, clothes, and extra-curricular activities. So I never had much practice making decisions. That first semester of college was rough! I still have decision-overwhelm if there are more than 3 choices at a time.
Thank you for sharing that, Milla! That’s an excellent insight. I need to check out that book–it can be good to have our world rocked. :)
Oh, I talk to myself in my mind all the time! Glad I’m not the only one. :) But I know what you mean, sometimes that’s a great way to work things out. My walk time every morning is time in prayer and also just letting my mind wander…sometimes to story ideas, sometimes to things I’m thinking about/working out in my own life. I think a lack of confidence is a big reason making decisions is hard–sometimes I just don’t trust myself to know what I’m doing. Those are the times I have to remind myself that ultimately I’m not in control, God is.
So true! It’s so much harder to make decisions that will affect others, especially for the long term. What a blessing to know that God is ultimately in control!
That’s a good point! It’s much easier to make a decision about what to make for dinner than whether to make a big move, for example. Although there are days when that dinner decision can be tough too. :)
Those what ifs and endless possibilities make it so much harder. What a blessing to have others to turn to when we are trying to make a decision. And especially being able to go to God in prayer!
Oh yes! That totally describes me. I’d rather put off the decision until it’s too late and then afterwards go, “Well, I guess that opportunity is past” and consider the decision made. It’s so hard to step into the unknown! There’s been a lot of prayer and discussions and learning to trust as we make this decision about moving across the country. It’s scary and exciting and overwhelming and exhilarating all at once (or depending on the moment, lol).
I know what you mean! So many times I’ve wished that God would just spell it all out in big letters! Making decisions on your own about something as big as a house is hard. When I get overwhelmed with things like that, I try (not that I always succeed!) to remember that God can turn even our mistakes to blessings.
I’m glad I’m not the only one. :) I feel like sometimes when we let someone else decide, we feel like we’re doing them a favor by giving them what they want, though I’ve discovered that often, what they really want is to know what we want, lol. I’m trying to remember that!
Isn’t it interesting how you can trace exactly where your dislike of making decisions comes from! Being thrown into the adult world where you suddenly have to make all those little and big decisions for yourself is tough. I’m trying to keep that in mind as I raise my kids too by teaching them how to make decisions (not easy when I don’t like to make them myself!). I think sometimes we can be under the impression that if only we had unlimited choices everything would be easier…but that only makes making a decision harder!
Good post! I am like you and hate to make decisions!
i don’t like making decisions but I am trying to get better about making them. I know that I am going to be faced with a lot of decision making throughout my life
I totally understand, I struggle with decisions too, mostly the bigger ones. I tend to get stuck on the what ifs but one things I’ve found helpful is once you make a decision stick to it and don’t keep focusing on the choices. Once a decision is made just keep going forward instead of looking back.
I am not a fan of making decisions. I have had to make more decisions as my Mom is now living in an assisted living facility. I am working on trying to get her on Medicaid. I have to make all the house decisions due to my husband being developmentally delayed. I have Power of Attorney over my Mom. God is showing me that decisions are a way of life.
Thanks, Shelia! Glad to know I’m not alone. :)
That is true! The need to make decisions doesn’t seem to go away as we get older. And, like anything, they should get easier with practice…or if not easier, at least a little more comfortable. :)
That’s great advice! The what ifs definitely trip me up too. And sometimes when I’m making a decision, I worry that I’ll always wonder what would have happened if I had made a different decision. But that kind of thinking doesn’t do any good. We can keep going forward, trusting God to be with us through it all. Thanks for the reminder!
Oh Debra, I can’t even imagine how hard some of those decisions must be. What a blessing to know that God is with you through it all. Funny how he has a way of teaching us just what we need to learn when we need to learn it.
I’m o.k. to make some decisions on some things,and on some other things I need help to make a decision, some things are easier to decide on then other ones. have a Great weekend and stay safe.
The only decision I don’t like to make is what everyone else wants to/is going to eat. I have no problem making any other decision but if I make the decision what to eat, normally at least 2 others will be upset.
I love making decisions when it comes to books & everything like that. I only have a tricky time when it’s for dinner time to tell my husband what I want to eat lol.
For me, it depends on what kind of decision needs to be made. If it’s a simple everyday thing (what to have for dinner, what day am I going to go shopping, etc), those I can make on my own. But big decisions are ones that I talk over with my husband and come up with the best solution for everybody all around.
As for a group decision (like the women’s ministry at our church), I’d rather not be the one to make it! I’m a follower so whatever the group comes up with is fine with me. I’ll put my input in, of course. But most of the time, I’m happy to go along with whatever is decided.
Like you, I want everyone to be happy with whatever decision is made :-)
For me it depends on the type of decision too. With things that have to do with the household stuff I love being able to make the decisions. After almost 30 years with a controlling & abusive spouse it is a freedom thing. It was the same with my son’s & my schedule at that time. I would love to be able to think about what we could do that would help us grow and make God the most pleased. It was awesome! My decisions now that I’m home bound are often different. They revolve mostly around medical & money. The medical usually don’t leave much room for choice but when they do I am getting better about standing up for what is best for me. The money ones I always dread making….which bill can be held off without being turned off and what has to come first. The absolute hardest of all for me has to do with extended family. Most of the time now there isn’t much I have to make. Before Daddy went into assisted living I had to decide whether to go for him & my grandson and be uncomfortable around everyone else. Now that he can’t go to things I don’t get invited so there is no decision to it. Now I just schedule a visit to him on or around the holiday & leave it at that. I’m just grateful I get to visit him! No contact of course but at least we can see each other and visit–God’s blessing to me!!
So true! It’s good to have people we can rely on to give us good advice for those harder decisions.
Lol! I can relate to that! It’s hard to please everyone when it comes to food.
Book decisions come easy for me too–thanks for reminding me that I am good at making some decisions, lol! Figuring out meals can be much harder.
That’s the hard part–there are very few things that everyone is going to be happy about. But I know what you mean–you can’t help but feel like you should try. I’m more of a give my input and then let someone else decide kind of person too. It’s always good to have someone to share the decision-making with!
Hi Deb! I can see how getting to make your own decisions after being in an abusive relationship would feel like freedom. What a blessing that you were able to look at it that way. And good for you for standing up for what is best for you when it comes to medical decisions. That can be so hard, especially when different doctors might be telling you different things. It’s not fun to have to make those kinds of decisions about bills. What a blessing to know God is there even through that. And through family troubles too. So glad you still get to visit your daddy!
I’m with you when it comes to the big stuff. Those decisions are hard, hard, hard. But as you have said, they are in God’s hands and He can guide outcomes regardless of how we choose. Our family had two instances where we needed to decide about continuing life support for a severe stroke victim. Life support was removed in both cases. In one (which was actually the more severe medical case), the person held her own and went on to recover. The other was not able to survive and went home to be with the Lord. A friend said to us that we could not make a wrong decision. God was sovereign and omnipotent either way. We entrusted ourselves to His care.
Any decision is tough when we are making it to please others. Feed them brussel sprouts for a month straight then see how grateful they are for almost any other option you offer after that, LOL! I had a friend who was going through a rough time financially and he struggled with his daughter’s requests for new clothes. She was high school age and he decided to give her the money he had budgeted for her clothes and let her make the choices. Turns out she accepted the responsibility and was content with the outcome. They both grew as a result.
Of course, none of this means that I am any good at making wise decisions for myself these days. Sometimes trusting God for the decisions we need comes when we cannot make them for ourselves. At least that has been my experience or inexperience as the case may be. :P
Hm…interesting question! We always decide together with my hubby, I guess it makes it easier 😊
I love what your friend said–God is sovereign and omnipotent either way! That’s such a needed reminder when we struggle with those hard, hard decisions. I can’t even imagine dealing with decisions as big as whether or not to continue life support, and yet what a blessing to see God’s faithfulness even in that and to know that whatever the outcome, he holds that person’s life, both here and in eternity, in his hands.
Teaching kids to make decisions too…that’s one I struggle with. But I know it’s a necessary learning experience (for them and for myself).
In the end, it’s such a relief when we can let go and turn things over to God, trusting the outcome of any of our decisions to him (not that I’m always good at that, but I’m trying!).
True! Making decisions together does make things easier, especially when you know that whatever comes of your decision, you’re in it together.