We believe that opposites attract, right? How many romance novels can you name that prove it to be true?
Don’t mind me. I’m just sitting over here sorting my writings…
Because ‘opposites attract’ is a time-honored trope right up there with ‘second chances’ and ‘friends to more,’ and I’ve written my share of them, with more to come.
Did you go ask Google the title question? I did. And apparently it is a myth, but more than 80% of us believe it’s true!
But, wait! It’s not all or nothing.
There are opposing traits that break relationships:
• What you believe
• Where you live
And there are opposing traits that might just keep you on your toes:
• Introverts vs extroverts
• Academic vs blue collar
• Prankster vs serious
And there are opposing traits that might be just mildly amusing:
• Smooth peanut butter vs crunchy
• Toilet paper over vs under
So… where did this myth come from? No one knows, but it’s been around at least 150 years, so writers are in good company using it. And, ahem, propagating it for more people to believe!
In Joys of Juniper, Ava and Seth are opposites in several ways.
• She never rebelled against her loving parents, while he didn’t feel loved and lived a wild life for ten years.
• She has a teaching degree, while he’s a college dropout. Twice over.
• She wishes she could get more hours at her dream job, while he wishes he could get any job at all.
• Her faith has never been deeply challenged, while his has been through the wringer.
What do they have in common?
• A love for music and dancing
• A love for kids… and that turns out to be a good thing
• A love for gardening and cooking
• A love for Jesus
Ava Santoro knows who she’s looking for in Mr. Perfectly Right, and a devout young minister would be just the thing. If not a minister, at least someone who is gentle and bookish. Someone who has it all together.
Definitely not someone like Seth Donahue. Ava’s not looking for a project. Seth doesn’t want to be a project, but his life has totally unraveled. So what will draw them together?
Because all those studies I found while searching “do opposites really attract?” showed that, for long-term stability, couples need many commonalities. What keeps us/them together must be greater than what divides us.
One article says, “Contrasts tend to stand out. Even if the partners in a couple match on tons of characteristics, they may end up arguing about the ways in which they are different.”
A 2013 study by Eharmony mirrored these findings. “An investigation of the matchmaking site’s matching system results showed that even when opposites are initially attracted, it is similarities that make for a long-term relationship.”
Joys of Juniper, book 11 in the Urban Farm Fresh Romance series, releases on Tuesday! If you haven’t snagged your copy yet, you might want to do that while the 25% off pre-order price is in place. Or, if you prefer reading on Kindle Unlimited, make a note to check for it on Tuesday.
Worried about reading this story when you might not have read all the ones before it? I work really hard at making every story able to stand on its own, so don’t let “book 11” scare you!
So, what do you think? Comment with a this-versus-that difference and tell me whether it’s a deal-breaker difference, interesting, or mildly amusing to you! Maybe I’ll get some ideas for my next opposites-attract novel, because there definitely will be one. Who am I to scoff at one of the greatest romance tropes… even though it’s proven to be inaccurate?
Top two images were found on Pixabay.
Valerie Comer is a USA Today bestselling author and a two-time Word Award winner who writes where food meets faith and fiction. She injects experience laced with humor into her green clean romances. Her life on a small farm in western Canada provides the seed for stories of contemporary inspirational romance. Like many of her characters, Valerie and her family grow much of their own food and are active in the local foods movement as well as their church. She only hopes her creations enjoy their happily-ever-afters as much as she does hers, shared with her husband, adult kids, and adorable granddaughters.
I hear tooth paste top on or off and squeezing in the middle or from the bottom. (I myself like my own tube)
I think you need some differences as they can complement each other. I think of Mum and Dad. They would go to the city and dad would go to the cricket and mum would go shopping (they lived on a farm). Mum loved cricket but she never went to a live state or international game. (I would have gone to the cricket myself and done a little shopping as quick as possible. But when it came to grocery shopping mum hated it but dad loved to shop and get the bargains.
vegetarian v’s meat lover could be difficult. I am on the meat lover side. (same could be said for a health nut who is so careful what they eat and only eats organic and and healthy food verses someone like me who tends to eat too much junk food)
Dog or cat. I am a cat lover and scared of dogs. I can get use to some dogs but if they are boisterous and wanting to jump and lick I would really struggle.
I think that opposites can attract, but the road ahead might be bumpy.
I tend to agree with the statement that there need to be more commonalities than opposites, and extreme opposites probably won’t function well (in real life). Eg, an excessive neat freak will soon find fault with an extremely messy person. They’re both going to have to bend for their relationship to stand a chance!!
Margaret! Well stated. Relationships, especially marriage need compromise. What each person is willing to live with. How messy can a neat freak stand. Some issues are easier to bend on. Enjoy your day.
Hi Valerie! Great question and lots of good answers already. For this blog – reader versus non-reader, then what genre. Music or no music lover / what type. Hubby and I both enjoy classical music, but I mainly enjoy instrumental classical music while he likes vocal music. Traveler (person who loves adventure) versus the home body or coach potato. Person who loves going to museums versus person who loves adventure parks or nature walks. This avid reader finds few stories have folks visiting history museums. So much to learn. As a stated in Margaret’s post, relationships when opposites attract take compromise / give and take to make the relationship work. Is one person giving in 50 percent or 100 percent? Best wishes and enjoy the weekend.
Being a avid reader and not reading. She goes unhuh while he jabbers and she reads. Then he says are you listening to me. Then you both laugh.
Lol, Lelia! This is so.me.and.my hubs!
Luckily my hubs and I have a lot of commonalities….except for a few which do cause us to have a few not so pleasant moments 😳.
I love some.of.thrse answers like carnivore vs vegetarian, dog vs cat, etc!
Lots of fun ideas in there! I did the health nut vs junk-food-junkie in my very first novel, Raspberries and Vinegar! But it could be fun to revisit that one.
I think it’s bumpy either way! LOL
Agreed! While you can have two jars of peanut butter in the cupboard (one smooth, one crunchy) it’s a little harder on the neatness scale!
Oh, homebody vs adventurer is a good one. And yes to compromise. Always so necessary! I’ve heard it said that for a marriage to work is not 50/50 but each partner giving it 100%.
Good one! I played with the reader/nonreader in Harvest of Love. She owns a bookstore; he doesn’t read. But it’s always a good one to revisit!
Yes, there are some good/fun ideas in this thread! Not so fun to live, but great fun for stories! (I’m not sure what that says about me…)
I thought opposites attract was true. My husband and I differ on a lot of things but as you said we agree on faith. Although we will act out our faith differently. My husband is bold in witnessing but I’m quieter. It’sa joke between us that if we agree quickly on something it’s the Word of God. 😊. Compromise is key as well as listening to what the other is saying. We’ll celebrate 41 years of marriage in June!
Congrats! We’ll celebrate 41 in August.
Yes, I was surprised to discover that study after study showed “opposites attract” to be more false than true!
I think opposites do attract and alot of times if it isn’t too bad of a difference and it doesn’t work for both, or if it bothers one a lot more then the other one, that maybe it won’t work out, but if you both come to a conclusion of each being so different , yet have a lot of differences, it can work out, like I said if it isn’t something out of this world. But I do think that things can be worked out. Have a Great weekend and stay safe.
It does depend on the severity of the differences!
I really don’t know about opposites attracting. Maybe attracting, but not staying. Anyway, who knows? As long as belief in the God of the Bible is there, maybe you could work through some (maybe most?) of the other things. My deal breaker would definitely be the belief in God, though!
In my house, it’s not only introvert vs extrovert, it’s also city boy and small-town girl. And Coke vs Pepsi. ;-)
There are always some deal breakers, but that is first and foremost in my book, too. That and living in different parts of the world and being unable/unwilling to move. It would be hard to stay married if you didn’t ever live together!
Oooh, so do you live in a city or small town? But I have to laugh at the Coke/Pepsi thing, sorry!
Valerie! Deal breaker for sure living in different parts of the world. During college in the 1970s met a wonderful guy at a youth retreat and the following year at a chirch conference. We corresponded for a while. We were both in our final year in college. He lived in Vancouver, Canada (still does) and I lived in the US in Michigan, as do I. Neither of us wanted to move across the border. Too much to loose in our education and careers, so we decided to stop corresponding.
Valerie! Deal breaker for sure living in different parts of the world. During college in the 1970s met a wonderful guy at a youth retreat and the following year at a church conference. We corresponded for a while. We were both in our final year in college. He lived in Vancouver, Canada (still does) and I lived in the US in Michigan, as do I. Neither of us wanted to move across the border. Too much to loose in our education and careers, so we decided to stop corresponding.
Yes, definitely! Three of my sisters married Americans, but all three went on to serve in overseas missions, and the concept of where they would live didn’t come up until they approached retirement! Two couples now live in the US while one lives in Canada.
I replied above – saw that one first.
I am a messy person and while I want to be neat its not me. I also use to clean for a messier person who was married to someone who needed order. When things in work life were stressful having the mess around made it even worse. He needed his own area (he wasn’t a neat freak but he like order). My Aunty was a neat freak would dust every day, no shoes on inside and too it to the extreme lucky here husband was ok with it.
I had friends who were home body/adventurer. They would go one holiday/vacations together over seas etc. but he would often go for a week on a adventure trip or camping and hiking etc. It worked really well.
I agree with relationships it needs both working together.
A wedding I went to after meeting both for the first time (were online good friends with the bride) I found the husband a lot of hard work. he had health issues which wasn’t an issue but he was a know it all. when he talked if you asked a question you would get a background and detailed info on the subject. He seemed to have to give so much detail that was totally irrelevant and it was very hard to have a real conversation or he was making jokes that got really old. My friend really needed to be loved and couldn’t handle being alone and he needed someone to help care for him. Needless to say not long after the wedding the reality hit as she too had health issues and the marriage ended. I think sometimes people are just so lonely they fall for someone who pays them attention without really working through issues. If she hadn’t been so broken and needing love they never would have been together.
mum lived in a town and always said no way would she ever live on a farm. Dad and mum got engaged and it the question where will you be living. Oh I will be living on a farm. She took to it well. But they had more in common like a faith and both had a good work ethic so the differences weren’t enough to be an issue.
I think its good to have some differences but not on major issues.
Another issue could be a person with a strong work ethic and someone who is lazy and wants things handed them on a platter (don’t think it would work)
Aw, that’s a sad story!
You’re right, someone with a solid work ethic and someone who’s lazy wouldn’t last long!
Canadians all take our shoes off at the door! It’s totally expected here. :)
I think the deal breakers are the differences that come from the heart of who we are. Even some of those can be balanced, though. Small town may be one’s experience but not a necessity. Cleany vs. Messy is more to the point. I would think that they would look at each other and say the other costs too much to maintain a relationship. Yet, we know a couple that make it work.
My sweetie and I got together based largely on all the things we had in common. We have our differences as well and those take work. Compromise, acceptance, agreed upon distance, all help. We would both have bookcases in every room if we could. I would fill them with all sorts of books and still have boxes left over. She would fill them with pictures and knick knacks. We currently have deep shelves. Books in back, curios in front. However, our shared love to read is made easier with e-books :).
The idea of cost in the relationship seems the key. Some costs are too much, like no shared faith. Other costs will come whether we want them or not, like caring for a loved one whose health is gone. The marriage vows, of course, include this idea, but it can be so easy when we start out to think that the most important thing is to enjoy our relationship on our own terms. The reality is found in the need to build common ground, preserve it, lather, rinse, repeat, ’til death do you part. The whole process gets to be a lot of fun once you get the feel for it.
Of course, living out a marriage is different than being attracted to each other. Can opposites attract? Sure, if only for curiosity. Can they be a long-lasting foundation? I suspect that that is where the studies come into play.
Oh not so here in Australia if they were muddy like in winter then yes but normally most don’t take there shoes off when going into a house specially in the warmer months. I normally take mine of cos I hate shoes.
It is. She had been abused, then was married to someone who abused his kids (thankfully not hers also) but because of this she lost custody of her 2 boys, then had to flee from him and ended back in the area where her parents were and had custody of her boys so she could see them when they allowed. So she was so broken I think because he showed her some kindness (giving her a home in the basement which was a bathroom, bedroom, and a living area with mini kitchen) she latched onto it and decided it was love not just kindness. She is much happier now that she has learnt you can live as a single and God will provide what you need.
:(
Yes, it’s easy to think that our love will conquer all the hard times by its magical power when we’re young, healthy, and have the world by the tail! It can get pretty challenging at times, and there isn’t much “magic” about it. There’s faith, and grace, and perseverance!
I find it amusing that Google thinks it is not true. I know many people who have been married or many years that are opposites. They have good marriages because they compliment each other. Maybe I am in the minority.
I’m sure it depends on how different! We all should have some differences, right? But the cores should be similar. :)
Opposites attract creates lots of opportunities for storylines. In real life I think commonality provides a stronger foundation for relationships.
You and Google agree!!! :D
Usually we don’t agree on much, lol!!!
Too funny!
You need commonality for the glue, but you need differences to be your own person.
Excellently put, Denise!
Being patient vs not so much LOL personal example here (I’m learning ;)
Ah yes, the great patience debate! Around here, we’ve both mellowed out a lot over the years.
My husband and I are opposite in some things but not our core values. What we believe, money issues, how many kids we had, family values, moral values, and etc are the things that have kept us glued together.
I think our minor differences have made our relationship stronger. He’s a more adventurous person whereas I am more cautious, he’s spontaneous whereas I am not…but over the years I think we’ve balanced each other out a bit :-) That’s made for a wonderful 24 years!
Ah, that elusive balance! Yes, so vital :)