One of the most common complaints about contemporary romance I see in various reader-based groups is some variation of “they give people unrealistic expectations for romance.”
I guess I kind of get it.
Real life romance doesn’t always look like what we see in the pages of a novel. (Although, I would also say there are a lot of Christian romance writers who really DO show what reality can and should be — and I’m delighted that so many of those authors are bloggers here.) After all, it’s hard to make three hundred pages of a 2-year friendship that changes into a year of dating and then a six-month engagement riveting. Especially if the man and woman involved are careful to sit and talk through disagreements and are open and honest about everything because they have that two-year friendship as the underlying foundation. (So yeah, that’s pretty much my story with my husband. And while maybe not a riveting novel, I wouldn’t trade it for any of the drama and misunderstandings that go into a book.)
But even still, the underpinnings are there in novels that make them realistic. After all, every relationship is going to have some ups and downs. Every relationship is going to hit a wall where feelings are so hurt communication might get bottled up for a day until cooler heads prevail. Because the process of taking two fallen people and morphing them into a united picture of Christ and the church is bumpy.
So I’ve never really understood the problem with romance or the idea that it creates unrealistic expectations for marriage.
Where I struggle? Girl friends.
Have you ever noticed how most romance novels — particularly series — have a tight-knit group of women in them? These girls tell each other everything. They always have the others’ backs. They’re there for anyone in the group regardless of how irrational and/or hormonal the other is being. They tell it like it is, but kindly and with love so that the friendship gets stronger instead of wrecked. (And they listen to the others when that happens and are willing to admit when they’re wrong.) Finally, despite being a tight-knit group, they’re always willing to expand and welcome anyone else who wants to become part of their crowd.
Talk about unrealistic expectations.
In my real life experience (which I don’t think is too far off from the experience of the general population of women), female friendships can be close and wonderful. Right up until they’re not. And then, more often than not, one person is left scratching her head wondering what just happened as she tries to count the claw marks from the woman who she thought was, until a few minutes previous, her BFF.
And that’s one on one. A group of women? Ha. There’s a reason the word clique exists. Most of the time, the women in the clique will vehemently deny that they are one even as they explain why no one else can be part of their group.
Now, I’ll admit, I’ve had a few groups of women friends in my books. But most often? I have one–possibly two–close friends within the context of a larger mixed-gender group. And my female characters always have a much easier time relating to the guys. (Why? Because I have always had a much easier time relating to guys. There have been some hard moments in front of my manuscripts when I’ve known I needed to have some girl-time and I have sat there, staring at the blinking cursor, completely incapable of figuring out what one female would say to the other in that situation.)
What’s more, while I never put any expectation on a real life romantic relationship because of something I read, I am consistently left vaguely disappointed with my life because of the way female friendships are portrayed in books vs how they are in real life. That girl standing outside the in-crowd circle wondering why no one’s asking her in? That’s me.
As I’ve gotten older, I’ve realized it’s more to do with my expectations than anything. It’s not as if I don’t have female friends–I do. But not nearly in the quantity that, based on literature, I believed I should have. And those fancy in-crowd groups who spend all their time tagging one another on Facebook and talking about how ah-maz-ing the other person (and everything they touch/see/think/do) is? Yeah, not in those.
And you know what? That’s okay. My friendships are different. And they’re still real. And they suit me.
So all this to say, if you find yourself feeling a little wistful when you read about these big groups of woman friends and their traveling pants or old-lady book clubs or all the other things in-between–hang in there and remember: this is fiction, not life. And just like you wouldn’t expect Prince Charming to ride up on his white charger to save you from a dragon in reality, maybe the female friendships God has for you aren’t going to look like what you see in the pages of a book either.
And that’s okay.
Do you have a favorite group of female friends from fiction? Who are they? What book are they from? What do you love about them?
Hi Elizabeth,
This made me chuckle… (So yeah, that’s pretty much my story with my husband. And while maybe not a riveting novel, I wouldn’t trade it for any of the drama and misunderstandings that go into a book.)
And to answer your question – at least partially – the FFR and UFR by Valerie Comer have some great girl-friends – e.g. Jo, Sierra, Claire – letting in Allison and Liz; Eden & Hailey; Adriana, Fran, taking in Rebekah. They are different in many ways – shape, height, character – but share their faith, some go “way back”, others just joined.
Ah, yes, I want that girl friendship!! I just adore Valerie Comer’s Farm Fresh ladies in both series, then of course the Arcadia Valley women…..and most recently the Chapel Cove women…three women turning 40 who have been friends since childhood!
Hi Elizabeth, totally get you on this one! In addition to Valerie Comer’s that Anke mentioned, JoAnn Durgin’s Lewis Legacy and Brandy Bruce’s The Last Summer both spring to mind.
Blessings:)
Valerie has awesome girl friends! I always want to go live in her books for two things: the friendships and the food. :)
See, I get lost just a bit on the “best friends since childhood” thing. Because really? I don’t get how that’s remotely possible even though I’m sure it does happen.
I’ve enjoyed Joann’s books! But I always kind of consider her friendships to be mixed gender more than just the girls hanging out. Maybe it’s time for a re-read! (Really any excuse will do ;) )
Me, too!!
Hi Elizabeth! While I enjoy reading about female friendships in romance novels, my reality as yours was much different for a host of reasons. First as an immigrant, few classmates understood my struggles of adopting to a new land, culture, and language. Later as a pastor’s wife, one can never really open up to parishioners. During the sandwich years working full time, family came first. Now in retirement, one realizes the sacrifices a woman often makes for her marriage and family. Of course as you stated some is a person’s choice. With limited time in my life, I did not pursue hurtful relationships – girls who backstabbed or dropped you when you didn’t agree. So reading romance novels can be entertaining. I enjoy the interaction of friends in the new series Chapel Cove. Also enjoyed the friendships in Arcadia Valley because of all the different Point of Views. Best wishes Elizabeth. Enjoy your weekend.
Elizabeth! I am so with you. My husband had a “best friend since childhood.” They were friends for over 50 years. My husband often complained about their friendship. How his friend wanted him for trips and entertainment. Because of family and time constraint, I just could not do that. As you already stated in your blog – most friendships in reality are not “so perfect.” One person gives more.
I think you are right- they are mixed gender:) Maybe I remember that because it feels more natural/familiar to me than the straight girl only group.
I so get this! I’m an introvert so having friendships looks more like an extrovert taking pity on me and inviting me into their group (aka clique ;) ). The deep friendships I have are like onesies and twosies and completely God orchestrated because I don’t leave my house enough to have them develop organically.
As for fave friendships in a group, I like your Peacock gang because they are a gender mix. I completely get that.
Oh absolutely! I think in the best cases the one giving more shifts back and forth over time so it evens out. But that’s not always the case.
Right? :)
But it still might be time to re-read :D
Arcadia Valley had some really fun friendships in it!
I can only imagine the challenge of being the new girl from a different country – it was hard enough being the new girl from the same one!
Yes! I’m always so grateful for the adopting extrovert :)
I have to say I’ve often felt the same way you have!! I don’t have that many close female friends, and I’ve been back stabbed by some I thought were good friends. I do have some friends that I’ve had from elementary school. The three of us are actually going to lunch tomorrow. We lost track of each other for awhile when we went to different schools, met up again in high school, lost touch, then got back together. Now, we stay in touch via Face Book and texting, and get together when we can. I’d like to have a group of friends like in Chapel Cove. I’m close, I think!!
I relate and I think quite a lot of women do.
I have always gotten along better with guys. I love women and I have friends but my deep friendships with women have relished in what you described in your post.
My best girlfriends these days are the characters in Call The Midwife. Sad but true.
I’m also pretty tight with my pets. Especially the barn dwellers. Animals can be jerks but at least it’s not personal. It’s usually over food, so…
??
I commiserate on not having a book worthy dating experience. Hubby and I met, started dating a few weeks later, which lasted two years, he proposed, and we married ten months after that. Nothing super exciting. Nor did he propose in any extravagant way. On one knee, in his parents’ home. But I really didn’t mind because I didn’t know any better. He loves me. That is enough.
As for girlfriends … yep, got no clue. I think it’s me. I just don’t know how to be a friend, I guess. And I almost consistently score in the mid to upper 90s as an introvert on the personality tests. Add in to that the number of times I’ve tried to “put myself out there” and been rebuffed, and to me, it’s just not worth the pain of rejection (or betrayal). It’s hard to miss what you’ve never had, until you read it in a book and wonder if maybe people really do have friends like in Valerie’s books or any number of other books I’ve read (and can’t recall).
Maybe that’s why God gave me five sons and only two daughters. I’m better with boys. Always have been. I climbed trees, chopped wood, mowed the lawn, skateboarded, belched the alphabet (my kids think that’s simultaneously hilarious and disgusting), and tons of other “boy” activities (none of which I do any more, except mow the lawn). I didn’t do makeup, nails, or hair (still have trouble with all of those), and I HATE shopping (mostly because I hate spending so much money on so little).
And my story has become a book. Leave it to a writer. :D
Oh how fun that you reconnected with old friends. :)
It’s fun to read all these comments! Since I just woke up, I can’t think of any group of girl friends from a book :-) The girl friends I’ve stayed in contact with the most are gals who lived on the same dorm floor as I did in college, and the guys they eventually married were friends too. We keep in touch on Facebook, and when we are able to get together, we can pick right up and have great visits. And there are a few girlfriends I’ve known for many years from church camps that I get to see now at women’s retreats.
Ha! I’ve often said my best friends are characters in books. I don’t think it’s a stretch to include TV shows in that :)
Lol. Well I’m sending virtual hugs and a reminder that I consider you a friend :)
How fun! Sounds like you have the perfect storybook experience ;)
Wow. First off, thanks to those of you who love the girlfriends in my Farm Fresh Romances (rural and urban) and Arcadia Valley. You’d think from those that I’m good at girlfriends. I’m not. I’m really, really not.
I’ve spent most of my life as someone on the outskirts of the ‘in’ crowd. They often know who I am and kind of like me (or at least aren’t usually rude) but, when push comes to shove, I’m not truly one of them. Never have been. It’s partly the introvert in me, I’m sure. And possibly it becomes a self-fulfilling vision when I hold back in case I’ll get hurt!
Food for thought, Elizabeth. Both in my Real Life ™ and as I write stories with friend groups.
I love that you trademarked real life, lol. :)
And your girls are fun, I don’t think anyone could not love them.
Now I know why I have liked you from the beginning. We struggle with the same issue. I find it really hard relating to women in a group. I’m better 1 on 1. I find men much easier to talk to and relate to.
1 on 1 is much easier for sure. :)
<3
Back at ya. Wish we lived closer.
Firstly I would agree about friends. I had a group of friends from Highschool. Some I knew right through primary school (2 from the day I started school). It was a group of around 7 or 8. I was best friends with one of the girls from the day we started school. But at different times I would say different ones were closer than others. I am still great friends with one of them and in contact with a couple others. In many ways I am a loner. I need friends and people to chat with but I can also do things on my own and learnt early on when I use to ride to school with a friend to have a dialogue with myself. I would ride 10 mins out of my way to ride with this girl and then get all her issues (same on the way home) and she never had time for my problems and I would use the time riding to work through issues by having someone in my mind I was talking to.
While I have female friends in groups I can often relate more to the men as I like sports (mainly cricket and some football). I am single never married so for awhile I was out of it as I didn’t have kids etc. Men talk about totally different things. One on one I am better with. I often am the one on the sidelines.
I am not so sure about groups of girlfriends. I know there are some but cant thing right now. When I think of girl friends in a book I first think of the Chick Lit books by Robin Jones Gunn but they are mainly 2 friends.
Y’all have no idea how nice it is to know I’m not alone :)
The one-sided friendships are so tough – I have a number of “friends” who I do a lot for but who are always busy when I need them. Ah well.
My daughter is able to keep up with friends and a best friend since birth via Facebook and texting. I’ve lost touch with childhood friends. I keep up with some friends from more recent years.
Technology can definitely help keep in touch!
I love that you addressed this issue of female friends in fiction. Every time I read a book that has this group of females that have been friends “forever” and know everything there is to know about each other, I get frustrated. I know very few females that have girlfriends like this. I don’t even have 1 female friend from school that I’m still friends with, let alone 4 or 5. I have always felt like that was a very unrealistic part of fiction.
I don’t know if I should say yay because I’m not alone or send virtual hugs because you’re in the same boat :). Maybe both.
Both works for me! :-)
I realised a lot of my friendships were one sided. Yes some were great and the one I am still great friends with was a blessing when mum died as I needed to talk and rang her almost every week. Now its way less often but we are still good friends and if I need her she is there for me.
I have another friend who is really good to me but I realised I was doing all the phoning, Originally I know it was her ex was controlling her but after she divorced him and was safe I was still doing the phoning. It became all the more noticeable when she got rid of her landline and I couldn’t afford to ring a mobile/cell phone. I suddenly hardly heard from her. Thankfully she is now on FB.
I also have the issue I can’t drive and I have people say if you need a ride ring. I ring and I can tell its inconvenient or it has to be on their term. I have one lady if shes in town I get a ride otherwise I rely on taxis or walking when the foot is up to it.