For those who may not know, we have a twelve-year-old son with autism. He was officially diagnosed at the age of three, although we were told to expect the diagnosis shortly after he turned two. Raising a son with autism has resulted in numerous surprises, challenges, and blessings. I wouldn’t change a thing.
That said, I’m not going to lie: Things have been pretty rough on the autism front the last few months. This is one of the most challenging phases I’ve faced as a parent. I’ve questioned aspects of the future, doubted myself, and had to rely on a new doctor for guidance. Through it all, I’m so thankful that God has provided these new options that will hopefully help things level off a little.
Meanwhile, it’s been over two months since I’ve written anything. Truthfully, I feel like every last bit of energy I have is spent on helping our son get through this tough patch. Where I used to be able to wake up early to write for an hour or two, I’m dragging myself out of bed at the same time as the kids.
This particular storm isn’t over, but after three solid months of being tossed around by wave after wave, we’re starting to see an occasional calm. I’m thankful for what I hope are glimpses into a near future where things are easier for our son and the rest of the family as well.
For now, as we try to settle into a routine after the holidays, I’m struggling to find a new normal. We homeschool, and the way we used to schedule our day doesn’t work anymore. Finding time to even think about writing is nearly impossible. And sleep? Yeah, that’s been pretty sporadic as well.
I finally decided this week to stop focusing on what worked before. I quit beating myself up over the fact that I don’t have the energy to accomplish the things I want to (or should) do. I’ve accepted the fact that I may not get this next book out as quickly as I wanted to, but that’s okay.
Hopefully things settle down soon, but until then, I’m going to do my best to adjust to this new normal.
What helps you get through difficult times in your life? For me, it’s the constant support of my amazing husband, our little girl’s sweet heart, the smiles and hugs our son freely offers, and those little ways that God reminds us that He’s in control.
I’d love to give away a digital book to one person who comments below. The winner will be chosen randomly on Friday, January 12th and contacted by e-mail. Whoever wins can choose any one of my available books.
Shona says
It’s not an easy road having an autistic child. My daughter is 15 and has become increasing violent towards me over the last couple of years. To the point of having to have someone with me when my husband is away. However it can be SO rewarding! She has a great sense of humour, an infectious laugh and a love for horses and dogs which is lovely to watch. I think our main struggle has been to adjust to a new normal, when quite often there’s nothing normal about her behaviour! One of the most precious things a friend said to me was that God had chosen me to be her mother as no one else could do as good a job. I’ve held onto that through good times and bad.
Narelle Atkins says
Melanie, I hear you. My son is a few years older than yours and it’s not an easy journey. Hang in there xox
Kathy Danheim says
I have an autistic step-granddaughter with autism. When she first came into our family she would hardly acknowledge us. Since she doesn’t have a relationship with her biological father, our son has become totally her daddy. Surprisingly, they communicate very well. In fact, she will run to him when her mother says no. She slowly started letting us hug her. According to her mother, that was a big accomplishment. She had yet to meet my parents and when my dad passed away and she came to their home, she came right through the door and straight to my mother and hugged her real tight. She had never done that before to anyone.
But yes, she does get out of control at times. My son said she gets in a fight with one of her brothers, she will go to swinging her arms everywhere. She will scratch and bite anyone who is around. So yes my son gets the blunt of it quite often. But he knew he was taking on a lifetime commitment. And he still loves her.
Two Christmas’s ago, I was taking pictures and she held up a blouse she had got for me to take a picture. After that she pulled me over to the pool table and put all her things on it and held up one at a time for me to take a picture of her with it in front of her. We all got to have a wonderful laugh and she even smiled as much as she is capable to. So, yes she is a blessing to our family, but at the same time a big challenge for my son. You see, he was 37 before he married and took on three teenagers. I am very proud of the way he has been able to jump right in and become their dad.
Why am I telling you all of this, you see , although he and his wife are believers, they are not attending church. I know with a relationship with God, they would be much more equipped to handle a child with autism. The situation may still be the same, but they would have God to give them the strength to handle the day to day challenges.
As for me, the mother and grandmother, it breaks my heart to have to sit back and not interfere in their life. I have brought it up whenever I can and they agree, but never follow up on it. My son was raised in church, but, although she was catholic, she would rather go somewhere where she can feel the Holy Spirit. I don’t know how to get through to them that although they are believers, they need that intimate relationship Him. So, yes I struggle with this. It brings great sorrow to my soul. I know all I can do right now is pray. We live to far apart to be more of an example.
Does anyone have any thoughts about my situation? It’s really hard to focus on one set of my children’s problems when I have 5 children and 12 grandchildren. I can only try.
I want to ask for prayer, to be able to deal with it all. And for their situation along with all my family.
We live in a time where I believe it is more urgent than ever to get through to as many people as we can to follow Jesus. Not that we should always be doing that, but it’s getting really scary out there for nonbelievers.
Thank you for giving me the opportunity to share my thoughts and prayers. I believe in the community of believers standing up together.
Kathy
Renate says
Hi Melanie and may God grant you HIS strength and guidance during trying days, weeks, and months. My thoughts and prayers are with you. While working full time as a teacher, with a son still living at home; I cared for my aging parents. I remember getting up at 4 am to prepare lessons and dropping into bed at midnight. The best advice I received as a young mom was TAKE ONE DAY at a time. Yes schedules change and we do not accomplish everything. We maybe cranky or disappointed. Every day is a NEW DAY. Blessings and this will pass.
lelandandbecky says
I know we all have different stories and different things we go through, but God has a way of showing us what is really important in life and refocusing our lives. While I haven’t gone through the same thing, I have gone through periods where all I can do is try to survive and pray daily that God will show me what I really need to do each day, giving me peace to focus only on those things. May He give you guidance and strength where you need it, along with His wonderful peace to stand guard over your mind.
Melanie D Snitker says
Hi Shona,
You are right, it can be SO rewarding! Your daughter sounds lovely. I agree, it is hard to find a new normal when there’s nothing normal about the behavior. It makes it difficult. How kind of your friend – I love that! Blessings to you and your daughter!
Melanie D Snitker says
Narelle – Thank you! Thinking about you and your son as well!
Melanie D Snitker says
Hi Kathy,
I have a lot of respect for your son! Good for him for jumping right in and parenting all three kiddos, and for doing whatever he can to not only help his wife, but to help his step-daughter with autism as well. That’s the definition of a true dad. <3
I'm happy to hear that you're getting closer to her and that she's doing better with everyone. It definitely takes time. I know that, for our son, you're really just on his peripheral for a while. He doesn't bother trying to get to know someone until it's clear that someone is going to be in his life and for a while, you know?
I think it's wonderful that you're praying for your son and his family. I also think it's great that you want them to go to church and are encouraging them to do so.
I will say that going to church has always been VERY difficult for our family. Because of the challenges our son faces, taking him to a children's class at church has been next to impossible. We did go to a church that had a class for children with special needs. But the class was very sporadic depending on whether they had a teacher for it, and as you know, sporadic doesn't work with kids with autism.
The best solution we had was a home church for two years where our son could be more himself. I miss that a great deal.
Right now, we have a church that we go to semi-regularly. Both kids sit with us through the whole service. Our son has to have headphones to help with the volume, he holds a special toy during the service, and he puts checkmarks next to everything as we go. We've been able to attend regularly for nearly a year. Now some new behavior issues have cropped up. My husband tries to take our daughter at least every other week.
All of this to say that it may be very difficult for your son and his family to go to church. There were many times when we would go where I (or my husband) would end up sitting in the car with our son for an hour and a half while waiting for service to end.
I think the best thing you can do is be there to support them, pray for them, let them know that you're happy to help in any way you can (even if that just means understanding if they can't attend a function or gathering one time because they are too tired or the daughter is having difficulties that prevents them from going). I have no doubt that you are a blessing in their lives!
Melanie D Snitker says
Thank you, Renate, I appreciate that so much! It is hard and I do feel like I’m living one day at a time. What works today doesn’t necessarily work tomorrow. I am very thankful that each day truly is a new day. Thank you for the prayers!
Melanie D Snitker says
Thank you! Yes, I feel like this has definitely changed my focus the last few months. Not a bad thing necessarily! I appreciate the prayers! <3
thequeenofquitealot says
I so respect you, and relate to you. I want to have the energy to write and create but I’m almost 49 now, homeschooled for 18 of those years, and turned out 3 biological children who are all writers! We adopted a gorgeous boy we got as an infant who is 7 now, and also being homeschooled. He makes #4. He was drug and alcohol affected and we knew that upfront – but it’s still hard! I’m not sure if it’s because I’m older and tired or because learning difficulties make homeschooling a dreaded chore now instead of a grand adventure, but either way I take comfort in my animals and books, and the knowledge that God knows and will make a way for us all to get through this. He cares about us, and our children. When I’m a limp rag of a person, I get outside with the animals or I escape into a book. Better yet I escape into writing when I have the quiet to do so.
Bless you and your son, your writing, and your mother’s heart!
MFLiteraryWorks says
Oh Melanie,
I’ll be praying for you. I understand what you’re dealing with. I work with special needs students, many with Autism and many ADD/ADHD, and I personally have an adult children who had an emotional disorder so I can relate. It isn’t easy when schedules get off. This last week was our first week back after winter break and it was a VERY difficult time. Take care and try to find those little moments of calm. God is there with you, breathe and draw on His strength when you can. I’ll be praying.
Mary Kennemer says
I have a12 year old granddaughter with autism. She is very precious and loving. I am blessed to have her for a grandchild. You and your family are in my prayers. Thank you for your books. You are my favorite author.
sbmcmh says
My family and friends’ prayers get me through. I’m sorry to hear about your family’s rough patch.
Judy says
Prayers are with you and your families. When you have a child with many challenges there is no “normal.” It is even a challenge find time for prayer and Bible reading. I love the promise in Isaiah 40:11…He gently leads those who have young. Keep praying that there will be treasured moments of joy and peace.
Shelia Hall says
Support from God,close friends and my daughter helps to keep me going in difficult times
Renee says
Praying for you! My nephew is somewhat I believe on the autism spectrum but my sister used the “gaps” diet to help with it. She also healed a lot of health problems with this diet also. I haven’t been brave enough to try it, though I definitely need to. Praying for you and your family. Love your books! Love to you and yours ?
Melanie D Snitker says
Thank you for your response. How wonderful that you homeschooled for 18 years, have three kids who are all writers, and have adopted a boy. I love it! Adoption has always been on my heart, but it’s not been something that worked out. I definitely know what you mean about how sometimes homeschooling is more of a chore instead of the adventure we want it to be. It’s all worth it, though! God bless you, your little boy, and your year ahead!
Melanie D Snitker says
Thank you for the prayers – they are so appreciated! Yes, since you work with special needs children, you know all the difficulties that can be involved. And it’s so hard to know what causes what issue! I hope things get easier for you as you get into a schedule and leave winter break behind. Thinking about you guys and hoping you see some better days soon!
Melanie D Snitker says
Hi Mary,
That’s wonderful about your granddaughter. <3 Thank you for the prayers, and for your kind comment about my books. I appreciate you! <3
Melanie D Snitker says
The prayers of family and friends (including online) mean a lot!!
Linda Hogue says
What has transformed my life and helped me through difficult times is starting each day seeking God & putting on His Armor first thing. It’s amazing how much more peaceful my day goes, & how much more organized I am when God is in control of my day.
Melanie D Snitker says
I’m glad you have that support, Shelia!
Autumn Macarthur says
Praying for you and your families, Melanie, and for all the families affected by autism.
My husband is also on the autistic spectrum – highly intelligent, but “different” all his life. He was diagnosed a few years ago when some mental health issues worsened. His autistic way of looking at things, severe anxiety, problems with emotional control, and his need for rigid schedules has caused some struggles and conflicts in our marriage for sure. But through it all, right from when issues became obvious fairly early on in dating, God kept telling me this was the man He wanted me with. LOL, that hasn’t changed, though I have changed a lot, thanks to my marriage and God’s support!
Adapting to a “new normal” can be a big challenge, especially if we’ve been in a place where things seemed to be going okay. It can be hard to let go of the “old normal”, where we knew what to expect and what to do. I hope things get easier for you, your husband, and your son.
Charlotte Dance says
While I don’t personally deal with autism in our family, we do have other challenges. I spend 1 Sunday a month as a buddy to a boy with special needs so his parents can attend (or in his mom’s case -play piano in) the service. It is such a privilege. The buddy service is offered for any one who needs it. Brody is non-verbal, but over the years it has been a joy to see how he communicates love.
lraines78 says
My family, friends, and God are my support system. My brother-in-law is autistic and we mainstream autistic children in my school district so I have had autistic children in my classroom with an aide.
Melanie D. Snitker says
Hi Renee,
I’m glad that the “gaps” diet has helped your nephew – that’s wonderful! Thanks for the prayers, and for your encouraging words. <3
Melanie D. Snitker says
That’s something I’m making a point of doing myself, and something I’ve changed recently. Thank you for the reminder!
Andrea B. Brooks says
I am also on the Autism Spectrum, I was diagnosed with Aspberger’s Syndrome in my early to mid twenty’s. I loved reading what you had to say and God will help you and keep you calm when the going gets tough.
He will guide you, keep you strong and also give you a calmness along with His everlasting Peace. I will pray for you and your family. God Bless.
martyomenko says
Thank you for sharing! My twin cousins have autism and we just celebrated their 22nd birthdays. They are delightful young women that have incredible gifts. Our lives are fuller with them! Yet, when they were younger, there were days that my aunt, literally pulled her hair out. It is not an easy task, but what a blessing.
Priscila says
Thank you for sharing your story and opening up about your need for changes. May God bless you and your kids in the new year!
Melanie D Snitker says
Hi Autumn,
Thanks for your reply and for sharing about your husband. I love that God brought you two together. I have no doubt you’re a hug blessing to each other! <3
Melanie D Snitker says
What a wonderful thing to do, Charlotte! I know that your help is a huge blessing to Brody’s family – and to him!
Melanie D Snitker says
That’s wonderful you have a great support system, and that you work with autistic children in your classroom!
Melanie D Snitker says
Hi Andrea!
Thanks so much for sharing about yourself. It’s wonderful to meet you! Thank you for the prayers and words of encouragement.
Melanie D Snitker says
Happy 22nd birthday to your cousins! Thank you for sharing!
Melanie D Snitker says
Thank you!
Diana says
Lord bless you! Life can be challenging but God is always present. You are smart to realize you have a new normal and adapt to it. Sometimes we cling to an old routine for too long, at least I do. Homeschooling is rewarding but a lot of work. I homeschooled my youngest as I did in home daycare and was very active teaching kids classes in church. Somehow she graduated homeschool, graduated college,married and is about to have a baby in a few weeks. God keeps providing as seasons in life change.
Melanie D Snitker says
Thanks, Diana! It is amazing how things can seem so hard, and then in a blink of an eye, our children have grown so much. A reminder to enjoy the wonderful times that are there even during a difficult phase or season.