My dad used to call me “My Son John.” I was his fifth and final daughter. He had no sons. In the Mennonite farming culture my parents came from — plus that gap of six years after daughter number four — I could not possibly have been good news. And yet, even with the nickname, I never felt unwanted or unloved.
According to Kevin Lehman’s The Birth Order Book, my spot in the family is a confusing place to be. Officially, I am the lastborn, but Lehman says that with the six-year gap, my spot is nearly equal parts lastborn and only child. If my parents had had another child shortly after me, I would have been a mix of middle and firstborn instead, equally confusing!
As an author, I’ve learned a lot from Lehman’s book about how personalities develop depending on where you fall in your family tree. This is one step I use in creating a character. I also think about whether her parents are together, divorced, or widowed. Whether the home was a solid Christian home, an abusive place, or simply torn apart.
At some point, I get to decide whether or not the character’s father plays a significant role in the written story. In the interest of keeping the plot focused on the hero and heroine’s romance, I tend to leave the parents off-screen in most cases. Sometimes they are estranged or dead. A few of my characters have never known their dads at all. In many cases, the parents live elsewhere and may or may not phone or visit during the story line.
Any character that gets onscreen time in one of my stories has to earn the right to be there. Just being a parent or sibling of the hero or heroine is not enough. The goal of every scene, every chapter, is to keep the story moving forward. Tension and conflict must be present, so there isn’t room for more than a tiny bit of back-patting. Parents may dispense unwanted advice at times or dislike their child’s romantic choice but, in general, those roles are more likely played by other characters already involved in the story.
I’ve had people wonder about my relationship with my own parents based on the stories I write. I was raised firmly rooted in my parents’ love for me, for each other, and for God, but I know that my experience is not that of the majority. I reflect other scenarios in my stories to vary them and to engage a wider range of readers.
In Secrets of Sunbeams, releasing on Tuesday in Whispers of Love, I did the unthinkable to Eden Andrusek. It’s been five years since her parents and her two sisters died in a car crash, leaving her all alone. Although at first it seemed (to me) that the accident was simply a way to remove extraneous characters from the story, it turned out to be much more as Eden feels deep guilt for having chosen not to accompany her family on that fateful trip. I’ve paired Eden with Jacob Riehl, a man with great parents and two older sisters, Sierra and Chelsea, whom my readers know from books in a previous series. Does Eden wish to have what Jacob has in a family? Absolutely. But, of course, it’s more complicated than that.
Order Secrets of Sunbeams in Whispers of Love here on Kindle, Kobo, Nook, or iBooks.
Last Sunday was my nineteenth Father’s Day since my dad graduated to heaven. I don’t think I’ll ever NOT miss him. I hope he’d be proud of who I am today, of my kids as adults, and of my granddaughters.
My husband and I just returned from my sisters’n’spouses vacation in Florida, reminding me yet again of my parents’ legacy and the impact of family dynamics. Maybe someday I’ll write a series featuring five sisters. Any guesses which sister will be the easiest to write? ;)
As a reader of romance, do you notice the hero’s or heroine’s relationship with their parents? Can you think of a story you loved where that connection played a significant role in the novel, whether positive or negative?
Valerie Comer is a USA Today bestselling author and a two-time Word Award winner who writes where food meets faith and fiction. She injects experience laced with humor into her green clean romances. Her life on a small farm in western Canada provides the seed for stories of contemporary inspirational romance. Like many of her characters, Valerie and her family grow much of their own food and are active in the local foods movement as well as their church. She only hopes her creations enjoy their happily-ever-afters as much as she does hers, shared with her husband, adult kids, and adorable granddaughters.
In my first book, Second Chance Romance, scheduled to release in March, 2017…yes…I finally got a release date, the heroine struggles with the guilt of choosing her work over a trip with her family.
Like yourself, I was raised in a loving household and I’ll always be thankful for that. My father, who had a less desirable upbringing, chose to be the exact opposite of his father and for that, he’ll always be my hero.
I love the photo of you and your sisters, Val! Congratulations on your upcoming release!
Enjoyed seeing your photos, thanks for sharing them and your story. My own relationship with my father is not great, I have not lived with/near him since my parents divorce when I was young, and his choice to remain bitter and negative mean that I do not have a lot of contact with him. I am thankful for my godfather though, who continually shows me what a real, Godly, father is like. So for books, I do notice family relationships, I especially enjoy the relationships between the TeamWork/Lewis extended family in JoAnn Durgin’s books. Your Farm Fresh books also show another ‘family by choice’ which are lovely.
I love this sisters’n’spouses vacation idea. I only have one sister and we try to spend time together (I just moved to her neighborhood last year), but we haven’t had vacation time together in years. We were also raised in a loving family that loves God, for which I’m thankful. I do think family and upbringing plays a big role in our lives regardless of their “onscreen” status.
Valerie, thanks for sharing your writing process. Yes, I have often wondered why the character’s parents are deceased or not nearby and included in the stories. Especially since the main character is often young and could still use their parent’s guidance. A definite difference between romances and cozy mysteries, where moms and daughters work together. At this moment, I really cannot think of a contemporary romance with a parental influence.
I also have enjoyed reading Kevin Lehman’s “The Birth Order Book” and understand the complexity of the six year gap – more than six years between my brother and I – also a large gap between my 3 sons and my 3 grandchildren.
Thanks for sharing the family pictures. What a lovely group of sisters! Thanks again for sharing the writing process and for the Inspy Romance blog. Last night at my Book Club for Foodies, I mentioned how much I have learned about the writing and publishing process from the interaction with all the inspirational writers on this blog.
Love this! I get in trouble with my family sometimes because of the families in my books. I have to keep reminding my mom that she is NOT my characters’ mom. :)
Did you run around with one shoe off and one shoe on? Because that’s why I sometimes call my youngest “my son John” (from the nursery rhyme.) :)
My dad was the third of three sons. He accidentally overheard his mom and dad one day lamenting that they never had a daughter. It made him feel unwanted and he tended to get in trouble and rebel most of his life. He passed away 35 years ago of a massive stroke. Parents have a big effect over their children in many ways, some are even negative, unfortunately.
I enjoy the different parents in your Farm Fresh series . I think it is representative of families. Some are closer and some are not. My own upbringing was traumatic, so I do pay attention to the dynamics in novels. Thankfully the Lord gave me a godly, loving husband and has blessed us with wonderful children and grand children. He has turned my sorrow into joy! !
Love what you say about birth order. I’m 9 years older than my sister, so I’m an oldest/only and she’s a youngest/only.
I’m very much a Daddy’s girl. He taught me a love of sports (though I didn’t get his athleticism – just his competitiveness), how to punt and hunt, and tried to teach me softball – though that one didn’t rub off so well. =) However, he never pushed me to only like his interests. In college he came to see me in the opera (which is on the bottom of his list of favorite ways to spend 3 hours) and encouraged me in my other musical pursuits even though music is not his thing.
The most glaring examples in romance I can think of parents playing a huge role in their children’s lives are the Jane Austen Novels. How many fewer problems would Lizzy have had if she had a different mother (or firmer father)? Would Darcy have been less uptight if his parents were still alive? Would Emma be best friends with her next door neighbor is she’d been allowed to explore and make a London debut instead of staying home with her father? Sir Walter Elliot’s influence could have been so large if he’s been an unselfish character as to completely change the lives of all his daughters to such a point that Persuasion would be unrecognizable. If Mrs. Ferrars had been a nice person would that have been a good thing or a terrible thing? And I could go on….
Congrats on the release date! We do have a lot of power to choose in our relationships, don’t we…
Hi Wemble! Yes, JoAnn’s and my series do have that similarity. Some are related by family of origin, and others by friendship. It’s fun to write that mix! I am doing that in my next series, as well.
I’m sorry you’ve been estranged from your dad. Divorce is really hard on kids, especially when both parents don’t make a huge effort with the kids. :(
Our families shape us, right?! I’m glad you can spend time with your sister. One of my four sisters lives about a 90-minute drive from me. Our kids are close and our grandchildren think of each other as cousins. The other three sisters are across the country/continent.
Kevin Lehman’s book was an eye-opener for me when I first read it quite a few years ago now. He didn’t seem to have my firstborn husband tagged quite so well, but when we talked through other aspects of his upbringing, things became more clear.
You said you couldn’t think of a contemporary romance with a parental influence. My first impulse was to remind you of Zach and Liz’s parents, and Sierra and Chelsea’s. But you’re right, the parents were present and positive, but not IN the story as constantly as a close friend. I might have to write that kind of daughter/mother relationship soon!
Glad you enjoyed my photos and thanks for sharing this blog with your friends. :)
Shoes! That must have been it. I did get the whole nursery rhyme, too. Hmm. ;)
Your dad’s story is just the kind of backstory I use in my novels — why a character turned out the way they did. In real life, though, it is much sadder when a child believes they are unwanted. I marvel that I never felt that way, but I don’t recall overhearing a similar conversation, either. Thanks for sharing!
I love that, Diana — sorrow into joy. How like our loving God to do that! I’m glad you enjoy the Farm Fresh families. Thanks for stopping by.
I love the picture of you and your sisters. How fun! Yes, I notice the parental relationship. Parents play a significant roll in most if not all of the books I’ve written, especially the Leavenworth series I wrote for Heartsong Presents. I think parents are such a huge influence that I can’t help but include them in my stories. :)
I was a Daddy’s girl, too. My sisters were teens and more help in the kitchen than I was, so I hung out with Dad. I have lots of good memories of painting the shed, ice skating, etc.
Wow, I really got your mind going over the parental influence in novels! Some great examples there from Jane Austen. :)
The book that came to mind for me, Valerie, would be Francine Rivers’ The Scarlet Thread (and then her two-book saga on mothers and daughters, but I forget those titles!). The Scarlet Thread is about a woman who’s marriage falls apart, but her mom is a key secondary character who tries to help her see in the beginning that she needs to follow her husband and let go of anger at him. I guess I don’t read a whole lot of books that are about family relationships!
Funny, though, that I did the same thing in Homestands, in the same box set! My heroine’s parents died in an accident; and while I originally did it so I wouldn’t have to deal with them, their death turns into a key part of the story as the book goes on. I guess you could say this is writing recycling, right? Waste nothing, writers! :D
Too funny, Sally! Readers, you heard it here first. My book comes right behind Sally’s in the box set, and we were NOT given the theme of “the death of the parents becomes vital to the story line.”
I’m guessing women’s fiction is more likely to explore mother/daughter relationships than romance, where the two key characters are romantically involved. Still, I feel like I need to let a few more of my parents live, and live in the same town!
My latest release, ABIDE (Lewis Legacy #7) has perhaps the greatest influence yet of family and parents. Since I wrote about the Lewis patriarch and matriarch in PRELUDE, they now play an integral role in the books about their offspring. I love writing that dynamic. But in my book in Whispers of Love? Let’s just say I’m pretty much in the same boat as Sally and Val. I think one reason is that–in a shorter book–I don’t have as much time to explore that dynamic and need to focus on the developing romance. But I try to have a variety of parents and sibling relationships in my different books and series. Something for everyone, right? :)
You’re right about shorter books having less room for that dynamic. When I went through my whole list of titles, I realized that in almost half the Riverbend novellas, parents were never even mentioned! That hasn’t been the case (yet) in my longer stories.
I haven’t read Abide yet, but it’s on my TBR, waiting its turn!
I already have the Whisper of Love books but haven’t had a chance to read it yet. I thought your name sounded familiar and then I scrolled down to the recent picture of you all. I know Diane and Millie. We are in the same Mission. I know Diane as we have worked in PNG for many years and Diane and Mike were my brother’s co-workers back in the ’80’s. Diane had showed me your books, sorry I forget which series, when we visited them in Florida in 2014. I grew up on the mission field. Family definitely influences our lives and I have read birth order books. I am the oldest of 4 and the only daughter so I tended to mother my brothers and did everything to please my parents. In June of Last year we had a family get together with just my parents and siblings and whichever spouses could come. We hadn’t all been able to be together since our Home Assignment in ’87. My youngest brother and his family were missionaries in Russia. Now we are all scattered. Mom and Dad live in Florida at NTM Homes. My oldest brother lives in Vegas. My brother that was a missionary here lives in PA and my youngest brother married a Canadian and lives in the Vancouver, BC area. We of course, live here. Not to mention where our 4 kids are these days.
Now I really look forward to reading your book. God bless you in your work. Judy
Wow, thanks so much, Judy! My hubby and I had a tour of NTM headquarters and a drive through the retirement home area as well just a couple of weeks ago when we visited Florida. My sister Barb is also with NTM, and we didn’t get together often in everyone’s overseas years. We had a reunion in 1985 and 1991, then 2012 — which was much bigger! But sadly our parents were gone before then. Now several of my nieces and nephews are overseas, so 2012 was practically a miracle – 43 people, 5 days at a Bible camp, just us. So fun to see my kids getting to know their cousins as adults and to see the youngest generation make firm friends!
The series Diane would have showed you in 2014 would have been the first 2 or 3 of my Farm Fresh Romance series. I’ve been writing and publishing steadily since then! Thanks for connecting. :)
Valerie, I envy you having 4 sisters. I had 3 brothers and no sisters. I could also relate to what you said about still missing your dad after 19 years. My dad died when I was only 24, and I’ve missed him all these years. I finally home with real internet again instead of my phone.
No need to envy someone with four big sisters, Merrillee! I always wanted a brother, but God didn’t think I needed one… I guess. ;) Welcome home!
They sure do play an important role in our lives!
Oh, yes, I forgot about Barb. When I was in Bible School at Jackson in 1977, Barb and family were on staff. They went to Senegal, right?
I love to read and too many good books out there. I used to have them mailed over but postage got so expensive and sometimes our boxes would never show up so all that money for nothing. I hated switching to the Kindle but so much cheaper for me. But I still have a whole wall of books. I am slowly getting my favorites onto Kindle as there is no way I can ship my books home when we go back to the States for good.
When you have been in NTM as long as I have 16 years as an MK and then now 36 in NTM as an adult plus the years of training, alot of people are interconnected. My Dad used to travel in a quartet that Jim Wilhelmson’s dad also sang in back in the early ’50’s.
Camps are a great place for a reunion. In ’87 we had a family reunion at a camp outside of Seattle. Only two of us were married then so all our kids were there also. It happened that my parents and one of my brothers and family were home on Home Assignment the same time as us.
Anyway, God bless in your writing as it ministers to people.
Yes, Barb and Marshall raised their family in Senegal. Their daughter Rachel (and family) visited us just a few days ago. They’re missionaries in Indonesia!
I can appreciate the cost of shipping books overseas! I love my Kindle, partly for the reduced cost of books and the lack of impact on my straining bookshelves, but mostly because of eyesight issues. I can’t really read most paperbacks anymore, so I’m VERY thankful for digital!
So great to connect, Judy!
Hi Valerie: Your posting is such a delightful tribute to your ‘dad’, and mother and sisters! I especially enjoyed seeing the picture of your family of origin and the present day picture of you and your sisters. The manner in which you choose characters and storyline is also very interesting to me. I am looking forward to reading ‘Whispers of Love’. Take care. Mary
Thanks, Mary! I’m very thankful for my family. :) Hope you enjoy Whispers of Love.