We expect guy/girl relationships in romance novels. They’re a given. But as I read a few books in the last couple of weeks, it caused me to consider the other kinds of relationships we see.
- brother/sister, brother/brother, sister/sister
- parent/child
- cousins or various other kinship
- friends
- boss/employee
- store employee/customer
- pastor/congregant
- star/fan
- etc, etc
Most of us can relate to several of these. Save for the brother/brother and sister/sister—I have two brothers, no sisters—I can relate to the rest on my list. I’m sure you can, too.
One relationship struck me as one I haven’t actually experienced–that of a mentor/mentee. At least not one that was defined in that manner. I have had any number of people speak into my life at one time or another, but I wouldn’t describe any of them as mentors per se.
So I did what any self-respecting writer does, I asked people about their mentoring relationships on Facebook. :D
What I found was that I am not alone in not having had this kind of relationship, either as the mentor or the mentee. Here’s what I asked:
Have you ever had a mentor? How’d you “find” him/her? How did your relationship work (scheduled phone calls/texts/e-mails/in-person meetings)?
Have you ever been a mentor? How do you choose who to help?
I’ve never had nor been a mentor, though I asked someone once. I understood the reason why she declined, but I’ve never gained enough nerve to ask anyone else.
And if you don’t mind sharing, what was the purpose of the mentoring relationship (writing, alcoholism, marriage, ???)? Did you remain friends/in contact afterward?
Four people responded to my request.
One was a teacher. The school she worked for had a mentoring program designed to assist first year teachers. The administration made the assignments, so no choice was involved on either teacher’s part.
Another is a junior Marine (thank you for your service). The Corps assigned him a mentor to help transition from civilian life to that of a Marine. Once he moves up in rank/responsibility, he will also be called on to be a mentor to incoming Marines.
A third only nominally answered the question, saying she and her husband shared a mentor. Bummer.
And then the fourth, Barbara Valentine, a friend I haven’t seen in … well, a long time, sent me some really great information. She is a mentor and a speaker (and an author). You can find her at http://discovernextstep.com.
Preparing to be Mentored
Be committed and come prepared. This is a partnership and you are only going to get out of it what you are willing to put into it. If you prepare well, you can reflect well. Reflection leads to a change in our thinking, which leads to results. Value their time by preparing and being open and vulnerable during session.
Get real with yourself – About your strengths, weakness and areas of opportunity for growth so that you can get real with your mentor.
Set ego aside. You can only receive from your mentor what you are emotionally prepared to accept. Realize that you are not trying to impress your mentor with super intelligent or flashy questions-you are trying to learn from their experiences, gain wisdom and put it into practice in your life where applicable for optimum growth. Fear can keep us from being vulnerable and feeling secure enough to ask questions.
Come with preset questions
After mentoring, ask yourself reflective questions and journal
Preparing to Mentor Someone
Mentorship is different from teaching or coaching. Mentorship is sharing your experiences and learnings with someone who is seeking to learn from you.
Let THEM determine the agenda – Meet them where they are. Do not violate them by working your own agenda, assumption or not getting to know them. Do not interrupt them with your thoughts, do make eye contact and lean in.
Listen not only to hear but to understand. – Remember, trust occurs when someone FEELS understood.
You can ask for the questions in advance of the meeting if you would like time to think into your answers, guidance, direction, and advice but also be open to anything that comes to you “in the moment” within your conversations/time together.
I know so far this post doesn’t have much, if anything, to do with romance novels. :) But these notes were too good to leave out.
So back to books …
After thinking about this for a few days, I knew other books by our IR authors must mention mentors in there somewhere. So I asked them (‘cuz as much as I love to read, I haven’t read all of our lovely authors’ books). Here’s what they said:
- Valerie Comer: In Sprouts of Love, the heroine, Evelyn Felton, looks back at a time when she was a homeless single mom, and at the woman who gave her love and a leg up. Teri Blackstone had made poor choices herself and landed on the street, but she found Jesus and rebuilt her life, always with the goal of helping other women. She made a huge difference in Evelyn’s life by believing in her, finding childcare for her daughter, Maisie, so Evelyn could take night classes, and coaching her in a job search. In the story, Evelyn still keeps in touch with Teri years later and doesn’t see how she’d have made it without the older woman’s mentorship.
- Merrillee Whren: In my book, Four Little Blessings, my heroine has a mentor. Cassie Rankin grew up in less than ideal circumstances, but her mentor, Angie Clark, helped her realize her potential in high school. Cassie knows she probably wouldn’t have made it through high school without Angie. Now Cassie is in charge of her two nieces and two nephews because her sister is in prison. Angie has provided Cassie with a place to live and helped her get a job, so she can keep her nieces and nephews together rather than having them wind up separated in foster care.
- Jaycee Weaver: In What Could Be, Josh meets Pastor Jaydon who becomes a dear friend and speaks much needed truths into his life. Jaydon becomes the hero of Whatever Comes Our Way and is a youth pastor who, with the heroine, mentors a troubled teen and his sister.
- Hallee Bridgeman: In Sapphire Ice, we learn when the hero, Tony, was a homeless teen, youth pastor, Peter O’Farrel, took him into his home and mentored him through his early years as a Christian. In Greater Than Rubies, Tony does the same thing for a young man named Derrick DiNunzio. He gives him a job and a home and teaches him about Christ.
I have not written a mentor into my books. Yet. After writing this post, I may do so. I believe it can be a life changer for both people.
Have you read another contemporary Christian romance that has a mentoring relationship mentioned?
OR
Have you been in such a relationship? How did it bless you?
Blessings,
Narelle Atkins says
Hi Ginger, I’ve been blessed to have a few mentors during my writing journey. Aussie Christian romance author Mary Hawkins has been a wonderful mentor since we first met at an Aussie romance writing conference back in 2007. Another Aussie author friend, JoAnne Berthelsen, wrote a beautiful book titled ‘Soul Friend: The Story of a Shared Spiritual Journey.’ I highly recommend this book if you’re interested in learning more about spiritual mentor relationships. Thanks for starting this fascinating discussion. :)
Susan Bates says
I enjoyed the mentoring relationship in Sapphire Ice.
I have mentored a number of teens/women throughout the years. Some was as a youth group leader, but most of my time is spent walking alongside women as they strive to be the wife God has called them to be.
“Meet them where they are at” is great advice as it values that person’s current situation without judging them or expecting them to measure up ASAP. We are all a work in process.
Lori R says
I have not read any books that have mentoring in them yet. I have mentored a number of first year teachers and when I changed school districts I had the best mentor We became best friends.
Gina Johnson says
Another mentorship is one church member who raises another to be equipped to share the gospel and take on responsibilities of the church. Out church believes in this.
Renate says
Hi Ginger! As I pondered the topic of mentoring, I wonder in today’s world whether we have mentors only call them by different names – coach, counsel, teacher, tutor, guide. In the past churches had small groups, prayer partners, bible studies, Sunday School classes. Sometimes mentoring happens without one formally acknowledging mentoring. While taking my youngest granddaughter to story time, I met a first time grandma, who was new to our area. I shared resources. As mothers of sons and recently retired husbands, we meet for girl time. So maybe in our day to day coming and going – we mentor each other in small ways to keep our sanity through the stresses of life. Looking forward to reading the responses. Best wishes.
Trudy says
I’m sure I’ve read other books that had mentoring in them, but I can’t recall names right now! I loved Hallee’s books you mentioned. I was a mentor before, for 6 months, which was the time set. The women’s ministry at church set it up, and the mentee’s could pick their mentor’s. I haven’t done it again, as there were more mentor’s than mentee’s.
Ginger Solomon says
You’ve been blessed, Narelle. Thanks for the book suggestion.
Lori Smanski says
I was blessed when a young mom that I knew at church asked me if I would mentor her as a wife and mother. Absolutely I would. I went home and freaked out. LOL What did I just do? How am I supposed to mentor a young woman? Oh my the thoughts that went through my head. Until my husband asked if I took all of this to the Lord. Ugghhh, no I hadnt. And when I did, things became very peaceful. I was reminded of a woman my age who was a mentor to young moms that I knew. So I contacted her and we talked about what it all means. When this young mom and I got together I was mentally prepared with Jesus walking in front of me. I mentored her for a year, once a month, unless something on her side came up sooner. I was blessed to know this young lady better and to become closer to the Lord myself. I was blessed to see things work out better between her and her husband. I was blessed to see her take practical steps with her children and start to love and understand and anticipate on a whole new level.
Ginger Solomon says
What a blessing you must be, Susan. And you’re right, we are all a work in progress.
Ginger Solomon says
That’s awesome, Lori. I’m so glad you and your mentor connected so well.
Ginger Solomon says
True, Gina. Being discipled and going beyond to disciple others is needed now more than ever.
Ginger Solomon says
I think for me, mentoring is deeper than that though. It’s an experienced person taking time out of their day, with a purpose–teaching someone, one-on-one, about their experience. The things you mentioned fall more along friendly advice/sharing. I’m thinking along the lines of a pastor sitting with a young man who has the call of pastor on his life. Or a certified electrician giving a young person simple training before school. Or a writer with loads of experience sharing tidbits, having conversation, and giving advice (in the form of editing, for example) to encourage and train an up-and-coming author.
I agree that all of the areas you mentioned can be considered mentoring moments, if you will, but it’s not a mentor/mentee relationship.
Ginger Solomon says
That’s an awesome program. Were you able to help your mentee? Did you glean blessings from her as well?
Ginger Solomon says
Wow, Lori. Thanks for sharing that. It’s awesome! I’m sure she was blessed as well. And I get the freaking out. :D
Lila Diller says
I must respectfully disagree. You seem to be talking more along the lines of an apprenticeship, a contracted partnership where a more experienced person gives a newer person career advice and on-the-job training.
A mentor doesn’t necessarily have to be called a mentor. A mentee doesn’t usually call themselves that. They’re just humble enough to recognize that they don’t know it all and would love to learn from someone who’s already been there.
My church set up an organized mentor program two years ago. Our Women’s Ministries leader had been praying about starting one for years before. She took applications for both mentors and mentees and after much prayer matched a few mentees with each mentor (because more women asked to be mentees).
I was paired with an older woman in her 70s who was a writer and artist like me. Everyone was encouraged to start with the book Adorned by Nancy Lee Wolgemuth (formerly DeMoss), so we did. I wasn’t a big fan of all the fluff in the book, but the author talked about the necessity of more experienced Christians mentoring newer Christians.
We really had more of a Bible study, and conversations just happened out of that. I wouldn’t call it a mentorship, like your apprenceship definition. But only after a year of weekly Bible study together, my mentor had hand surgery and could no longer drive to meet me. We still talk once in a while on Facebook.
Ginger Solomon says
We can agree to disagree.
Perhaps some of my examples were apprenticeship-like, but an apprentice is actually WORKING for someone, getting paid to learn a skill under someone more experienced(generally). Mentoring is freely offered/given.
Renate says
Unfortunately not all apprenticeships are paid. I had to pay the college to be allowed to student teach. My husband in seminar paid for the privilege of an apprenticeship / internship to train as a pastor. Doctors, dentist, etc. do internships without pay. My son is trained in mold design – it was an unpaid training period. As a pastor’s wife, I mentored many a young woman – some as new Christians, some as new wives, others as new mothers and others who where going into the ministry. Some were formal, others informal. I guess that was my point in the initial post – that mentoring or being mentored is personal and viewed differently by individuals depending on the circumstances.
Merrillee Whren says
Even in a job, you can have a mentor. My husband felt that his bosses mentored him over the years, and when he became the boss, he in turn mentored those under him.
Trudy says
We were actually vastly different, but, yes, we were able to help each other, in part just to get away from our “lives” for a time, to meet and talk. We would have kept on after the 6 months; however, she had a new ministry opportunity open up, and that was going to take quite a bit of time. You could say in this new one, she was mentoring more than one person. I would be open to doing it again.
Ginger Solomon says
Gotcha. ;)
Lindi Peterson says
Hi Ginger,
I’m a mentor for 2 ladies at our church. We have a cirriculum called Flourish–that’s now available to the public. It’s a one year journey—and I am six months in with the ladies. We are doing well and loving the journey. They do have a year 2—I’m hoping to continue with the same girls.
It has been beneficial to all, I think. We meet once a month–all 3 of us. The Flourish book has 5 days of work that we all follow. It’s broken into sessions–8 week sessions. I’ve never done mentoring in a formal fashion like this. I would highly recommend for all. :)
Ausjenny says
Janet Tronstad’s Dry Creek books have an older lady who is very much a mentor to many of the characters. She’s is there when they need someone to talk to and listens and offers advice when asked. She often will give encouragement and is very much a mentor.
I haven’t had a mentor. I have had a few men who filled the gap so to speak when dad died (I was 11). I guess in some ways one was on some subjects like Gardening I knew if I needed advice he would help and often would come and teach me how to prune roses and to prepare the soil etc.
Ginger Solomon says
That sounds awesome, Lindi. I’m sure the ladies are being blessed by you.
Ginger Solomon says
Can you come teach me how to prune roses? I know I do it wrong. They still live, but … :o