Hands up if you and your significant other discussed Santa’s role in your family before your wedding day. How about whether or not your children would participate in trick or treating for Halloween? If your hand is up, how did the topic arise? I’m guessing it was because you came across a Santa display in a mall, or were invited to a costume party on October 31.
I know I was plenty shocked to discover that my husband — whom I’d vowed to love, honor, and cherish — was all over both celebrations, neither of which I’d participated in growing up as a good little Mennonite girl. And yes, his parents were Christians who loved the Lord. I couldn’t believe it. Weren’t Christians agreed on these topics?
Apparently not. And while I won on the Santa front (our kids never believed Santa brought them gifts), I found my children dressed up on October 31 wandering the neighborhood with their dad, who mainly wanted his share of their candy. No witches, goblins, or ghouls… but also not the lines I’d grown up with.
Ideally, couples would have these discussions before saying, “I do,” but not everyone does. What do you do when you discover your beloved doesn’t share your obviously morally correct stance?
1. Pray. If you’re married to a believer, you and your spouse want the same thing ultimately: to raise your kids in a godly manner.
2. Read Scripture. Is there anything specific in the Bible that says, “This is wrong because…”?
3. Talk. Take one topic at a time, and look at it historically and culturally. How did the custom(s) start? What did it mean then? What does it mean now? What message does participation send, and to whom?
4. Repeat 1-3 above as needed.
In Merry Kisses, Sonya Simmons chafes at the commercialization of Christmas. She works in a toy store and sees the massive credit card bills some folks incur for gifts for their children. And she came from a family that had kept a very tight focus on the Christ Child in their celebrations.
Enter Heath Collins, a mall Santa, who represents everything that is wrong about Christmas, at least in Sonya’s eyes. How can he profess to be a Christian while sitting in that gaudy North Pole display in the mall, listening to children demand more and bigger toys?
This was an interesting story conundrum to me, and I wasn’t exactly sure how it would play out while I was writing. Merry Kisses is the final story in the Riverbend novella series, so I pulled in two little girls from an earlier story. In Pinky Promise, single parents Kelly and Ian are pushed together by their daughters who share a birthday and tell everyone they are twins. Because Pinky Promise took place in spring, it seemed reasonable to me that Kelly and Ian might not have thoroughly discussed the ramifications of Santa before tying the knot. And two daughters age seven-and-a-half seemed to set the stage for drastically different Christmas traditions.
So Sonya found a friend in Kelly in Merry Kisses, and we all (me included!) got some lessons in balancing out expectations for Santa and other Christmas issues. Halloween didn’t come up in this series. Maybe some other time!
In comments below, please do NOT fight for your opinion on whether Santa is okay for Christians or not. I opened that kettle of worms on my Facebook wall while writing Merry Kisses, and tempers ran high. Let’s not go there. I’ll delete antagonistic comments if I have to.
Instead, let’s talk about the process of coming to agreement with our spouses on issues like this. What have been big controversies in your marriage or family? How have they been handled? How could they have been handled better?
Comment before November 7 for a chance to win a digital copy of Merry Kisses. I’ll draw one name at random, and the winner will be announced in the Sunday Edition November 8. Be sure to check back to see if your name was drawn!
Valerie Comer is a USA Today bestselling author and a two-time Word Award winner who writes where food meets faith and fiction. She injects experience laced with humor into her green clean romances. Her life on a small farm in western Canada provides the seed for stories of contemporary inspirational romance. Like many of her characters, Valerie and her family grow much of their own food and are active in the local foods movement as well as their church. She only hopes her creations enjoy their happily-ever-afters as much as she does hers, shared with her husband, adult kids, and adorable granddaughters.
I think that your post brings up a good point! My son just got married in May and he and his wife don’t like the idea of believing in Santa. Since my 2 kids grew up celebrating Halloween with many different events, I don’t know how they feel about that. If I ever become a grandmother, I guess we’ll see!
Compromise and prayer have always worked best in my family, when dealing with tough issues. The love the premise of Merry Kisses, Val. I look forward to reading it.
I don’t believe Jim and I even discussed the issue of Santa Claus, Halloween, etc. before we married. We were both raised in Christian homes, attended public school, and we both received presents from “Santa” when we were little and were allowed to trick or treat (as long as we didn’t dress like a witch, goblin, ghost, etc.). We focused on the “fun” aspects of it all and–as far as I can tell–turned out just fine. Perhaps most telling about me is that my favorite “holiday” in school was Valentine’s Day. Something about decorating a shoe box to receive Valentine cards from my classmates was great fun and a creative challenge for me. But as far as Santa and Christmas is concerned, I think when a child is old enough to accept Christ as his/her Savior, THAT is the best time to discuss the meaning of the Savior’s birth and the significance for our lives as born again believers. Really enjoyed Merry Kisses (and there were a few kisses in this one!), Val. Blessings!
Love your story premise, Valerie! Such fun to bring in the children, with their unique take on adult issues.
Thankfully when I had a blended family we were on the same page.
It’s funny we talked about Santa bringing the gifts but everyone knew it was Mommy and Daddy.
If I win the novella, I would like to gift it to my niece.
I always love your blog posts, Valerie..
I love step #4 as listed above. That is so true! My husband and I have had to to do a lot of repeating on some topics. =) In between though we have managed to put the topic on the back burner so that we aren’t constantly arguing over it. We don’t have kids yet, so I’m sure that will add a whole new dimension to the compromising process. The big issue for me in disagreements is my pride. I want to be right. I don’t want to be submissive. I am thankful God gave me a patient husband. =)
Becoming a grandmother brings a whole new dimension to the topic, I assure you! I have recently been the grandmother of several butterflies… :)
Thanks, Jill. But isn’t it hard to compromise when you are obviously the one who is right??? ;)
There had to be a few kisses, with a title like this one! And you can blame my daughter for the title. ;) Oh, I remember that Valentine’s Day practice fondly, too.
Thanks, Lee. Elena and Sophie are so much fun they practically write themselves.
Sometimes kids read all the clues, don’t they! We never really pretended with our kids, but one year my husband snapped a photo of me filling stockings. Our kids were about six and four at the time. Our daughter told me years later that she knew there wasn’t a Santa, but she’d always held onto the dream that maybe, just maybe, there really was. This photo dashed it for her!
Oh, wow, Katy. I think that is nearly always the biggest problem of all. I’m not very fond of being wrong — or admitting it when I am — myself. God has a way of using our spouses to hone those rough edges we didn’t think we had…
I was one who was raised on Santa and Halloween (and the tooth fairy, the Easter bunny, etc). I think my husband was too.
We never discussed it prior to getting married. (I didn’t think I could have kids, haha.) Somehow, we just came to the agreement that we wouldn’t bring those elements into the raising of our children. I’m sure we talked about it, but as with all things, when you agree, it’s not a monumental enough event to recall.
There’s enough drama in life and marriage, it’s great when potential biggies… aren’t!
This list is awesome. Something to keep in mind, for sure, especially as I haven’t yet met my husband-to-be.
When I was little, my family did trick or treating and Santa. And yes, I’m from a Christian home. :) It was fun dressing up as a princess and whatnot, and there was one year after I found out that Santa wasn’t real that I got to help be Santa for my little sister. Boy, was it hard to stay awake when I was supposed to fake being asleep! Such fond memories… Not sure what I’ll decide to do once I have kids. I’m not too picky on we have to do this or that. I’m in the phase now where I just want my guy to show up, and then we’ll discuss stuff and figure it out together. I think one reason God’s had me wait so long to meet my guy (I’m 28 and have dreamed of getting married since I was in the fourth grade) is so that my hardheadedness won’t be as much of a factor. I’m learning to mellow a bit while I’m in “patiently waiting” mode. It’s these types of discussions (Halloween and Santa Claus) that I’m looking forward to. What will his opinion be? How will he have been raised? Oh, I’m so curious about him!
Blessings,
Andrea
I love that attitude of curiosity about him, Andrea! And yes, God’s got it all worked out.
My husband and I didn’t have a big issue over Christmas or Halloween. My biggest adjustment in marriage re: holidays was that my mom made a BIG deal of everything. My husband grew up with 2 brothers, so they did NOT make a big deal of everything. I got out of the “habit” until we moved next door to my aunt, who also makes a BIG deal of every holiday :-)
Aw, thanks, Valerie! Your encouragement is just what I needed to hear today. :)
Blessings on your day!
Family dynamics, right? You’ve got to love it!
My husband and I were raised the same as to holidays so there are no issues. However, our oldest son has different ideas about how to celebrate all the holidays and isn’t big on compromise. Not easy for grandparents to buy gifts for some of the grandkids but not his two (ages 7 and 3). And of course, it’s awkward to try to plan a family gathering …
I love the title – Merry Kisses! Very clever play on words. I’m sure I will love the story too.
Both my husband and I grew up doing Santa and Halloween, so there was never any discussion. We had friends who didn’t want to do Santa because he isn’t real, but we went with our growing up traditions. I always remember what Colossians 2:16 says, “Therefore do not let anyone judge you by what you eat or drink, or with regard to a religious festival, a New Moon celebration or a Sabbath day.”
I agree. The title *is* a clever play on words. My daughter thought of it, and I just had to work it into the story. :)
Excellent reminder in that Scripture!
We never really discussed it but he knew my feelings about Halloween. So I told my husband that I don’t believe in Halloween and therefore, I will not take my child to trick or treat. It’s ok if he take our son out but I won’t participate. Then there’s Christmas, I grew up with not getting presents but having a great time with family. So I said one gift should be all they get because the kids focus more on the gift than what the true meaning of Christmas is. Again he thinks otherwise, so we agree to disagree and so I buy a gift according to how the kids behave. Example is if you have done poorly in your classes, then you will get books to read. If you do good across the board, then you will likely get what you wish for.
Sounds like your family has figured out how to make it work for you!
Val, great questions! My husband and I had similar upbringings and we were on the same page regarding our views on Santa and the Easter Bunny.
Halloween isn’t traditionally an Australian celebration, but it recent years it has become more popular and it’s very commercialised. The stores were full of Halloween costumes etc. We didn’t have any trick or treaters come to our door because our problem child magpie bird swooped and terrorised the groups of kids who dared to venture anywhere near our house. The native Australian magpie was protecting his babies in a nest in a nearby tree gum tree, and we now call him ‘the grinch who stole Halloween’.
That’s funny, Narelle. Well, maybe not for those who got attacked! Sounds like your magpie needs to go in a story.
Lol, yes, I have lots of magpie stories. Magpies are intelligent birds and they recognise people and faces. The Halloween costumes probably spooked him, and his natural instincts took over. My conclusion is Halloween and magpie swooping season is not a good combination.
Perhaps not for real-life people, but think of the fun you could have adding your Halloween grinch to a novel!
Thankfully my husband and I are of similar thoughts when it comes to holidays and things. We never celebrated Halloween with our kids, never told them Santa was real & etc. We did teach our children that other kids do believe this way and it’s okay. It was up to each family as to what they teach their children. I would never sit in judgement when I see Christians who think it’s ok for their kids to believe in Santa or whatever the case may be. Just like we have freedom to believe the way we do and have our reasons for teaching our children the way we did, other parents have that right too :-)
In our marriage, we’ve been pretty equal in everything. There may have been a time or two where we’ve had to make concessions, but thankfully nothing too major! I’m sure we’ve never been perfect at everything, but it always works in the end :-)
Similar thoughts are a great start. I know we haven’t been perfect parents, either, but somehow we have raised two competent adults, who are loving spouses and parents. That’s the main thing!