I teach a couple of different Bible studies at church. I’m generally comfortable with my teaching style and how I do things. Sometimes a study doesn’t scratch somebody’s itch, and they stop coming. Or they have a schedule conflict and take a break for a while. Things happen. I get that. Every time somebody stops coming, though, there’s that little whisper of insecurity in the back of my mind.
You aren’t a good teacher.
You should be more knowledgeable.
You should be more/less [fill in the blank].
You’re just not good enough.
This past Sunday, as I was taking sign-ups for a new Bible study starting in August, someone stopped by me and asked, “Can I be honest?”
Every single one of those self-depreciating thoughts raced through my mind as I encouraged the woman in question – someone I respect – to say what was on her mind.
And you know what?
The Bible study is too early in the morning for her. She just can’t get up and get going in time to be there for it.
I didn’t even realize how my own insecurities had gotten ahold of me until she said that, and the weight of those insecurities lifted from my shoulders.
What a relief!
I’m not a person who invests a lot of time in self-doubt. I know who I am. I know my strengths and weaknesses pretty well, and while I continue to work on those weaknesses, I don’t feel crippled by them. Growth is a process, and I’m comfortable with that process.
Every now and then, though, the knowledge of those weaknesses morphs into something different, something insidious that weaves its way into the very fabric of who I am. Insecurity.
We all have different reading preferences, and that’s okay. It takes all kinds to make the world go ‘round. One of my preferences, though, is strong characters. They can be flawed. They can be broken. They can be hurting. They can even be angry. I don’t, however, enjoy reading characters that swim in and never overcome insecurity. That’s my personal preference. It’s completely okay if you feel differently about it.
Hm. Maybe I should clarify that a bit. I really am okay with characters who battle insecurity as part of their story arc. I just want to see them overcome that insecurity in Christ – or at least make real progress toward overcoming it – by the end of the book. I don’t want to finish a book and feel like the hero or heroine is still drowning in self-doubt.
As I pondered my own recent dance with insecurity, it forced me to think about why I don’t enjoy reading insecure characters. I came to a few conclusions. I’m still working this out in my mind, though, so these conclusions are a little rough around the edges.
Conclusion #1: A little insecurity here and there is normal, but when we’re swamped with insecurity, it’s probably because we’re spending too much time thinking about ourselves and not enough time reflecting on who God is and who we are in Christ. Spending all that time thinking about ourselves (even when it’s in a negative light) is a form of selfishness and not the dying-to-self we’re called to in Scripture.
Conclusion #2: When we care overly much about people’s opinions of us, it leads to self-doubt and insecurity. We have a fear that someone will think poorly of us, and that fear can both shape and motivate our words and actions. In contrast, when we care primarily about God’s opinion of us, we seek and rest in Him, and we become less obsessed with other people’s opinions.
Conclusion #3: Knowing who we are in Christ is vital to having a peaceful life. Our circumstances will ebb and flow. Chaos of one type or another will always be in the world around us. Knowing who we are in Christ, though – finding our identity in Him and folding fast to the truth that we are His – there is peace and joy in that place. Holding fast to our identity in Christ puts to rest so many of the fears and insecurities that would otherwise plague us.
In all fairness – we will all battle insecurity. I’m not holding out for some crazy perfect ideal. I just had a bout with insecurity, and it got me to thinking, and I wanted to share those thoughts with you.
So, what do you think? Do you agree with my conclusions? Disagree? Have other conclusions you want to add?
And if you enjoy reading fiction where the characters are insecure, I’d love to know why. I’m happy to admit that I might be missing something in how I think about certain types of stories. Just because they’re not my preference doesn’t mean they don’t have value or that I can’t learn something from them. 😊
Heather Gray loves coffee, God, her family, and laughter – not necessarily in that order! She writes approachable characters who, through the highs and lows of life, find a way to love God, embrace each day, and laugh out loud right along with her. And, yeah, her books almost always have someone who's a coffee addict. Some things just can't be helped. Despite their different lives and situations, Heather’s characters have something in common. They're all flawed...but loved anyway.
I think insecurities are normal but you are right they can rule a life and we shouldn’t let them although it can be hard. I know I have issues at times due to a low self confidence due to bullying and the constantly being compare with a brother who was good at study, sport, school captain etc. I on the other hand was not good at school work, sport and wasn’t in the popular group.
In fiction I think sometimes we see ourselves in an insecure person but I agree I do want to see growth. I also like to know why they are so insecure if its from a reason from being bullied or compared or abuse then it will take longer. If its just a perfectionist who can’t deal with things not being right I want them to overcome that. But you are right by the end of the book I want a change.
the characters I struggle most with in CCR are those helpless damsels in distress (fine for historical not so much CCR) Also heroines full of angsts and needing a man to fulfill them.
I love reading about flawed characters and how their relationship with Christ helps them to overcome or at least be working on these flaws.
Characters that are too insecure can come across as needy and weak. It depends upon their circumstances and how they are portrayed and develop.
Welcome today and thanks for your wonderful post. You are so right, everyone deals with insecurity at some point or another to some degree or another. And yes you are right in the fact that when we take them to God, His peace will overcome. And we can hang onto that peace for as long as we as humans can. My husband and I were bible small group leaders for years. When someone dropped out, I would give them a week or two and then give them a call or send a letter. Sometimes they would come back because we could fix something small for them. Sometimes they didn’t. We tried to accommodate everyone, but realistically that is always not possible. And yes, I agree with a lot of your conclusions.
I do like reading about insecure characters and how they overcome it.
I think insecurity is normal, just as a feeling of inferiority can be. However, I also agree that they can be overcome, and I like to see characters that deal with them overcome them. I like to see characters take those normal feelings and instead of drowning in them, make them the catalyst to change and show how God can help them overcome. I also like strong male and female characters, and don’t like it if they continue to wallow in there insecurities or other feelings.
Hi, I think it is o.k. to feel insecure sometimes, but we can’t let that overwhelm us. God knows we do the very Best we can and He is always there to help us. The thing is there are alot of people that will never be please with what we do, so we can’t let them bring us down with them. The only one we need to please is God and that is by doing the Very Best we can in everything we do. You do Great my friend. God Bless you and your family.
Pretty much agree with you. Often I see people who are so invested in minding other people’s business instead of their own and find it sad that this leads to insecurity. My grandma told me as a little girl that once you give the present it’s no longer your business, what other people think of you is none of your business and don’t waste your breath unnecessarily as you’ll need that breath one day. Sage words and as you say living a life in Christ is minding my own business and setting an example of being a fisherman. Great post. People/characters make their own choices and I find myself skipping to the end of the chapter if they dwell in negative emotions overly long. Enough of that occurs in real life so I choose authors who write transformationally.
Ah, needing a man to fulfill them. I totally get that – and I think that sort of heroine comes from a place of insecurity, too.
I know someone who as an adult has a lot of insecurities because, growing up, they always felt that they hadn’t been wanted. The parents had one wanted gender for their child but had ended up with the other and had made no secret about having wanted the other gender. So that person grew up with all kinds of complicated feelings that fueled a lifelong battle with insecurity. So you’re right – the way we grow up, the childhood we have – all of those things can feed into our insecurities if we let them.
Thank you for sharing!!
Yes! We’re all flawed. We’re all broken in our own way. In Christ, though, we’re made whole. It’s a beautiful picture, and it’s one that I love to see play out in Christian fiction. :-)
Like I said, I like strong characters. ^_^
We all have moments of weakness. We all have times of neediness. That shouldn’t be who we are all the time, though. When a person is completely dependent upon another person for their own happiness, that puts a ton of pressure on that other person.
Resting in Christ and knowing who we are in him is always a good plan whenever we start to feel insecure – or needy, like you said. (After all, we all do truly need Christ, so that works out.)
It’s always good to follow up. It helps people to know that they’re missed – that they’re noticed, wanted, cared for. But you’re right. Sometimes people just don’t come back. We have to trust that God is sovereign and that He will bring the person back in His time if it’s His will for them to come back. And sometimes that person just really does need to be ministered by somebody else. When we all work together in the body of Christ, we can share those responsibilities without jealousy or any of those other insecure-type feelings.
You made some great points – thank you for sharing!!
Thank you for sharing, Ellie!
You make a great point! I always enjoy reading how characters overcome whatever challenges they’re facing. Insecurity is definitely one of those challenges. When we see fictional characters overcome their obstacles, it gives us hope that we’ll be able to overcome our own issues, too.
Yes! I love how you said that – using those feelings as a catalyst for change or to show how God can help them to overcome. Well said. Thank you for sharing!
So well said, Alicia! At the end of the day, the only one whose opinion really matters is God, and as long as we’re living our lives for Him and doing our best for Him, we’ll be able to keep the rest in perspective. Amen!!
Ha! I tend to do the same thing. A little introspection is okay, especially when it leads to transformation – when you can see the character working out something in their thoughts. When a character dwells in that negative space, though (not all introspection is negative – I should say that!), I also tend to skip ahead. You’re right that there is enough sadness and negativity in the world around us; it’s completely fair if somebody doesn’t want to feed into that negativity by dwelling overly much on those things, even in fiction.
Thank you for sharing!!
As you stated, we all battle insecurities. It makes the characters more relatable if they also have insecurities. I connect with the characters as if they are my friends. Therefore, it makes them more human. Thank you so much for sharing. God bless you.
Good points, Heather. I do enjoy reading books where people learn to understand and then rest in who God says they are. If a book has strong characters who don’t display any vulnerability or moments of self doubt then I can’t relate. I wonder how long the book will be for a person to truly overcome all of their insecurities!
Hi Heather, my friend grew up the same way after 3 children they had a 4th that they never wanted and being the gender they got was even worse. While it caused issues later on the relationship was healed after she became a christian and later had a very close relationship with them.
The difference in a book these issues can be resolved and often offer help for others. Reading a secondary character who was a carer for her mother. The grand daughter was able to see how the grandmother was manipulating the daughter. But thanks to the granddaughter she was able to have a life so to speak. it gave me hope as I was in a similar situation without the boyfriend. Books can really be helpful and give us hope.
can be interesting to read