Back in October, I blogged about reconciling the differences between expectations and reality. I’d love to be able to say that now, six months later, I’ve got a handle on the changes that are churning through our family.
But alas.
My youngest ended up with a diagnosis of severe ADHD. I will admit not knowing a lot about ADHD prior to mid-November. Honestly, I figured it was a little bit of twitching and inattention to detail. That tends to be how it’s presented on TV or in movies and that’s all that I had to go on.
But y’all. There’s so much more to this. And the severity that we seem to be dealing with when it comes to my youngest means there are some days when we get him to bed that I sit down and realize that I’ve done nothing but put out fires with him all. day. long.
It’s going to get better. I know this. But right now, my mom hat is the only one I’m getting a chance to wear, which means my writer hat is sitting on the shelf getting dusty.
I’d planned (hahahahaaaaa. Plans. So funny.) to have book 2 in the Hope Ranch series, Hope for Tomorrow, ready to go in March. I told myself early March. Then I let it slip to mid-March. Finally, I was grasping at things like, “I don’t care if it’s March 31st – just sometime in March, by golly!”
But this last week, I had to force myself to realize that I needed to let go of the March idea and roll with what life was right now. Because that mom hat? That’s one of the most important hats I have. And so yeah, I feel guilty that I’m not making my self-imposed deadline for this book. And I’m frustrated with the fact that it probably means I’m only going to get out two or three books this year instead of the four to five I was hoping for. But my kid needs my help, and I’m never going to tell him fictional people are more important than he is.
It’s hard.
I feel like no matter what I choose I’m going to let somebody down. (And for my personality, letting someone down is right up there with running over puppies. Even the thought of it hurts my soul.)
But I’m going to roll with it, regardless.
In the mean time, I have a blurb and a pre-order link. Because this book IS coming out in the first half of 2020.
She has secrets. Does he want answers? Or just her?
Skye Hewitt thought coming to Jesus would fix all her problems. Boy was she wrong. But He has given her the strength to make some big decisions. Like the choice to leave the East Coast where she was comfortable, and head to the Southwest and the grandparents she’s never met. Maybe the change of scene will provide the solution she desperately needs.
Morgan Young came to Hope Ranch to work with horses and put his years as a police officer behind him. The influx of Hewitt grandchildren isn’t even a blip on his radar. At least until Skye shows up. Every latent cop instinct tells him she’s hiding something. He’s torn between digging for answers and steering clear of the woman who stirs more than his curiosity.
The longer she stays, the more they’re thrown together, and both of them will have to decide if falling in love is something they’re willing to risk.
You can pre-order your copy here.
Have you figured out how to roll with changes to your plans? I’d love tips! Also tips on not feeling guilty when priorities shift are welcome too.
One commenter will win either a copy of Hope for Tomorrow (if you’re willing to wait) or your choice of any of my e-books if you’re up for instant gratification instead. Giveaway will close tomorrow (Sunday (3/15)) at midnight.
Renate says
Hi Elizabeth! While a young mom, pastor’s wife, and teacher while living a way from my parents a parishioner gave me this advice when I was feeling overwhelmed and guilty that I was not accomplishing everything on my to do list – prioritize (which you Elizabeth have done) and concentrate on one thing at a time – NOT what you have not been able to do. This precious advice helped make through some trying times, especially the sandwich years when I still had a son living at home, was a pastor’s wife, was teaching full time and caring for my parents. Concentrating on one day, one hour is helping this retiree with the chaos of the world and my middle son’s unfortunate divorce during these trouble times. I take care of his three year old daughter several days a week and have to interact with his ex-wife. I have experienced much in my 70 years – Keeping my eyes on Jesus, counting slowly to 10 and deep breathing helps. As moms, it is often difficult to lower one’s expectations. You are in my thoughts, as well as lots of women I associate with. Best wishes.
Renate says
Dear READERS! If you are looking for an armchair travel to Ireland this ST. Patrick’s Day, please read Elizabeth Maddrey’s inspirational romance Kinsdale Kisses available in e-book. You will visit delightful Irish points of interest and experience kissing the famous Blarney Stone. I reread the story this week. Best wishes on your new release, Elizabeth Maddrey.
Elizabeth Maddrey says
Love this. Thank you! The one thing at a time advice is so important – I get caught up scrolling my list for sure.
Elizabeth Maddrey says
Thank you! I meant to go back in and add a note about this and then got caught up in life.
Lila Diller says
I also find myself spending less time writing than I plan. But what helps me is realizing that I only have a few years with my sweet children. They grow up so fast. I will always have writing in some capacity. I believe God has given me the mission to write, but I also believe my mission as a mom takes precedence. Training up the next generation is of utmost importance. That helps me.
Elizabeth Maddrey says
YES! So important to keep that perspective, because the years with kids really do fly by.
Jessica B. says
I like to plan and know what’s coming, so change is something that’s hard for me too. One thing I have found (which I don’t always remember in the moment) is that the changes rarely have as big or dramatic an impact on me as the scenario that I’ve built up in my head. Hang in there.
Elizabeth Maddrey says
Oh so true! I can make things into HUGE problems and, when all is said and done, they weren’t. Good tip!
Julie Arduini says
I so relate to this. The diagnosis for our child is not the same, but I’ve learned to fill my planner goals out in pencil. When I get frustrated I try to think of readers learning I chose writing over family and what would their response be? I know I’m doing the right thing, as are you. And in His goodness, there are moments I get the time and am able to accomplish more than I thought. I know you will as well, if you don’t already.
As an aside, if you aren’t familiar with Mark Lowry (Mary Did You Know,) he has an amazing testimony/comedy sketch about growing up ADD/ADHD. If you haven’t heard it, it’s worth checking out. My guess is it would be on YouTube.
Elizabeth Maddrey says
Oh! I’ll look for that! I am collecting encouraging stories (because oh my word ADHD is harder than I dreamed possible.)
And thank you – such good perspective.
Lincoln says
God seems to like to put us in situations where all we can do is focus on Him, His character and His provision. Two thoughts from scripture have helped me in my valley times: God knows how to give good gifts to His children and There is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. That second one is from Romans 8:1. Folks don’t usually think about it in the context of daily living but it does apply. There is no way that you can miss the mark or even disappoint God in such a way as to hear an angry, finger-wagging voice from your heavenly Father. All of that got poured out on Christ at the cross. That voice in your head isn’t His. Even facing this exacting challenge, you are not alone and you are pleasing to the one Who matters most. Even His discipline comes with a smile. He knows how He will get you through this even if you don’t. And He knows how to weave the consequences into something beautiful and enduring. I wonder, sometimes, if God’s answer to our pleas for immediate rescue isn’t “No” but “Where’s the fun in that?” Maybe there is someone out there who isn’t quite ready for your book to come out and God will use the delay for His glory. Okay, now I’m starting to ramble. “Father, please bring Your peace to Elizabeth’s heart and home. In Jesus’ precious name, amen.”
Elizabeth Maddrey says
Love this – thank you!
Ellie says
Not feeling guilty is a hard one for me. I just pray about what to prioritize and also pray about how I can best care for myself in that season so I’m “filled up” to give to others.
Ellie says
Oops! I replied to a comment instead of creating a new one!
Elizabeth Maddrey says
So smart to try to shift the focus away from self to others (even if it’s making sure I’m at my best to help others). Love it.
Elizabeth Maddrey says
Ha. I found it. :) I’ve done that myself more than once.
Linda Hogue says
Your son is in my prayers daily! I have learned to take one day at a time and start each day in prayer, putting on His armor and reading the Word. God is in control and there is no need to stress. All things will work together for good when we trust Him to work things out accordingly to His will. Bless you Elizabeth!❤
Elizabeth Maddrey says
Yes!!
and thank you for praying :)
Penelope says
Your honest sharing touches me. Remember to release control and just breathe.
We have 3 adult sons and I know a lot about adjusting to “What Is” as compared to “What We Thought Life Would Be.” I totally lost “myself” during the time our 3 were growing up. I don’t recommend that, but yes, as you said – fires! – you gotta address them or they Spread! Sigh. At one point, my husband & I sat down and discussed, “Are we going to allow this chaos in our lives (boys taking turns pushing all the limits) destroy our marriage, or are we going to fight for our marriage & pray more and trust more regarding the fires & simply surviving?? At that point, our guys were mostly adult and our marriage had taken a fair amount of hard hits & simple neglect (not dating each other anymore or kindling the romance). I personally had forgotten who I even was, a part from “Mom.” We agreed to begin prioritizing our marriage, prayed hard for those scary life “uncontrollables” and many, many times I seriously wondered how anyone without faith in a God who is never surprised, always in control manages to survive life (sanely) at all.
My heart goes out to you. But please Do Know that no family is perfect – even the ones that appear so, or want you to believe it. We all struggle. Be kind to yourself – whatever that means for you (adjusting expectations, taking time for YOU & hubby), love your husband much, pray hard, and let God be God. He loves you, He isn’t surprised. He loves your family. Sometimes we will NEVER know WHY. We just need to trust He still Cares. Then Listen to the experts that advise you & pray for wisdom. Remember to breathe!
After 40+yrs of marriage & adult sons, we don’t have all the answers. We expect we never will. We have a son with a condition that was diagnosed later in life. It affects our lives. It is what it is. God is in control. He loves us. He cares. He has allowed our lives to deal with this. He cling to Him daily, but we refused to panic. We search and praise Him for Who He Is & what He provides – the lovely sunshine, the sunrise & sunsets, friends who do Not judge, and all the small and special blessings He daily provides. We truly ARE in very good hands. The enemy simply wants us to doubt or forget.
Hugs & Blessings!
Elizabeth Maddrey says
Thank you so much! I am so encouraged from seeing the perspective of people who have messy bits of life in their rearview mirror. It helps remind me that this is temporary and we will get through it with God’s help. <3
Linda Hogue says
Always my friend!
Trudy says
I know when changes come my way, I’ve learned to just roll with the punches. If something has to slide, it slides, and I get to it when I can. That’s easy to say, not so easy to do. I also remind myself that none of this is a surprise to God, He’s still in control, and He’ll get me through. Not easy with my personality, but it’s getting easier than it was!! I used to make lists of everything that had to get done in a day, and it felt so good to cross things off! Now, if I make a list, it’s for a week or more. Usually, I just do what I know has to get done, and if something other than that gets done, I’m thrilled! I’ve found when I plan stuff, and especially when I think I have a week free of things, something is going to happen!! I’m learning to go with the flow!
Sheila Lee says
Good luck on your new release!
Lincoln says
Like da Good Book say: All dese things has come to pass. Ain’t none of ’em come to stay!
Elizabeth Maddrey says
Ha! True!
Elizabeth Maddrey says
Yes! This is great perspective :)
Elizabeth Maddrey says
Thank you!
Megan says
We too are in a time where the things we thought would be happening aren’t. It’s so hard to understand why things don’t seem to be working out, but we are choosing to trust that God has a reason and to trust His timing. That’s really the only advice I can offer right now, give it to God and when you feel like obsessing over it remember you can’t solve the problem, only God can. So focus on Him instead.
Elizabeth Maddrey says
It’s so hard! But yes, only God can fix this and it’s my (our) job to trust Him!
Margaret Nelson says
Praying for you! Coronavirus and living in California has pretty much wiped our calendar clean for the next 2 weeks at least! We had a trip to Seattle planned – but the reason for it got canceled. One Bible study I lead is taking a month off. I’m praying that the Lord brings it under control before Easter so we can celebrate His resurrection together with joy!
Elizabeth Maddrey says
Thanks! And yeah, everything is shutting down here. Except our appointments for OT etc are all saying “If you’re not symptomatic just come on anyway” So. Not as relaxed as I would have liked.
Paula Marie says
My son was diagnosed with ADHD at 9….I know what you are going through….keep faith, just keep loving them for who they are, this too shall pass❤️ praying for your family
Melynda says
I definitely haven’t figured out how to roll with the punches, but I have learned that sometimes rolling through the ‘what if’s’ in my head helps me to see that at the end of every issue is the fact that God is still in control, still loves me, and always loves my kids more than I do and what their best even more than me. It’s what I cling to on the hard day’s when I’m not sure I’m actually going to raise functioning adults.
Elizabeth Maddrey says
That’s a great tip — and yes, functional adults is teh goal!
Judy says
The publishing company I loved working with closed and returned my novels. I decided to do rewrites. It took me a few months to write some of them. Surely it would only take me a month or two to do rewrites. I wasn’t changing the stories, just making them better. It’s been almost two years, and I’m still on the first rewrite. However, in that time, I became my father’s full-time caregiver. He’s pretty independent, but I no longer have hours of blocked time for writing. I’ve finally come to terms with my new normal. I remind myself that my plan and God’s plan frequently don’t coincide but God’s plan is always better. It’s easier if I accept the changes with grace. :D Word of advice: Being kind to yourself makes for less frustration. God has not abandoned you; He’s asking you to be more, and He always provides a way. More times than not, it isn’t the easy way. ;)
Elizabeth Maddrey says
For sure we need to be kind to ourselves – great tip!
denise says
give it over to God in prayer.
Linda Herold says
Hi! Interesting post! I was a special education teacher for 30 years! People need to give parents with special needs students their patience and understanding! I am sure you go to bed exhausted and drained! Sending hugs to you from Northern CA!
Ausjenny says
It can be really hard and it also takes time. When I first found out I had Occipital Neuralgia I was walking to do a bit of shopping and I thought to my self. I can’t walk much without my head feeling like it would explode, I can’t read much again it hurt my head and I couldn’t concentrate, and the kicker was I can’t go to the cricket (due to noise sensitivity). I think thought what’s the point of even being here. (I did tell my doctor this but not the next thought) And its not like anyone would miss me anyway. I knew that was wrong immediately but at the time I was struggling with the new normal that was 24 hour a day head pain at that stage it was 4 – 5 out of ten. (It did get way worse at times to the point one dr said your pain is at 10 our of 10 isn’t it. I put it at 9 cos I figure it could get worse). It took a lot accept that I couldn’t do things and that people had advise which was useless or almost condescending. or they would say oh you still have a headache.
I did learn I needed to put myself first so that I could control my environment. If it meant I needed to nap once or more in the day I did it cos it helped. I learnt to say no to things I knew I just couldn’t do. It didn’t mean I gave up or stop trying but it meant I was realistic in what I did.
I also learnt once I had a diagnosis (like you have probably found) it’s easier to handle. Not that the problem has changed but knowing what the cause or problem is makes it easier to deal with. Also the biggest things I found was accepting what I had and that things had changed was huge. Instead of fighting to do things that made me worse or not accepting the issue I was making it worse for myself. It didn’t mean I gave up or that I didn’t hope for a cure or solution it meant I accepted what I have and what I need to do each day to survive. I have found a treatment that has reduce the migraine side of the pain from 8 out of 10 to most of the time 1 or 2 with the occasional spikes in the day up to 5 but they don’t last. I still have an issue with glare and noise and tire easy but I am doing better.
So realising what you can do and knowing its ok to say no or to reduce your expectations for the day etc is a huge thing. Somedays if I have had a busy day or a trip to the specialist the day after (or a few days) Its ok just to get up and dressed and do nothing and I don’t beat myself up saying I should be able to do more etc.
Elizabeth Maddrey says
Thank you! I’m definitely learning some new definitions of tired. :)
Elizabeth Maddrey says
Big hugs! I’m glad you’re finding ways to minimize pain – I get occasional migraines and I can not fathom that level of pain or more on a regular basis.
I have to remind myself a lot that sometimes my expectations for my son are actually outside his ability at that moment. It’s a challenge.
Lori R says
My nephew has ADHD and it has been tough for his family . I am a teacher so I have worked with a lot of students . Getting up and moving is helpful in the classroom and having a supportive teacher makes all of the difference too. There will be good days and not so good days. Focus on the good ones.
Lincoln says
Ausjenny,
You are an unsung hero and a true inspiration. Thank you for this post. Your practical wisdom is a blessing beyond words. I thank God for your testimony and for your willingness to share it.
Natalya Lakhno says
Praying for you and your little one ❤️
Elizabeth Maddrey says
I will admit I’m super glad we homeschool. He moves during school constantly. Sometimes we do school on the trampoline. Or we take breaks. We have flexibility.
Elizabeth Maddrey says
Thank you!
Caitlyn Santi says
Hi, Elizabeth!
I applaud you for putting family first, you’ve got this! 😊💕
Hope for Tomorrow sounds like a fabulous story, and I just downloaded Hope for Christmas on KU!
I’m planning to start my first book of yours tomorrow (Kinsale Kisses) and I can’t wait! 😀
Blessings, Caitlyn
Elizabeth Maddrey says
Thank you! I hope you enjoy Hope for Christmas and Kinsale Kisses!
Susanne says
When facing big changes, just take one day at a time.
SARAH TAYLOR says
Prayers for You and Your Son and Family!
Ausjenny says
Thank you Lincoln, There are many who have the same sort of issues and While I would give anything to not have it I think God uses these issues to be able to help others. If not for a support group I don’t think I would have coped. Also I find that by having an issue or understanding what pain it helps to be able to witness (even if its only a simple thing like saying praying for you) to non Christians in the same situations who do not accept it from someone who has no idea what you are going through.
Right now I am stressing slightly that my appointment in April to get my next Botox treatment will be cancelled cos of the current crisis. I know I shouldn’t but I don’t know how I will cope if its delayed more than a month cos I really don’t want to go back to the 8 out of 10 pain.
Lincoln says
Am praying for God’s provision for you.