by: Staci Stallings
This revelation hit me the other day while I was listening to a speaker on having financial balance in your life. The author talked about a goal setting seminar he went to. The lesson he revealed is that too often when we set goals, we are setting the “have” part of the equation, then “doing” the work of getting to the goal without ever making the effort to “be” anything.
If you’re paying attention, there’s a math lesson that translates to this message. Any math person will tell you that there is a definite order to life. A + B = C, and if you get it out of that order, even the simplest of ideas can get overwhelmingly confusing. So this equation must begin with “be” not “do” or “have.”
For example, people set a goal of meeting the right person. That is the “have” that they want, so they begin “doing” the things the world says make sense to get to that goal. They go to bars, they go to church, they go to work, they go to parties, they go to school—all with the spoken or unspoken intention of acquiring what they do not have, a partner. Years ago they called females in college with this mindset, “Mrs. Majors.”
They were not in college to get a degree; they were in college to get a husband.
In today’s world some of these types—men and women—have the “have” and “do” parts down to a science. One manifestation of this is the book that became famous a decade or so ago called “The Rules.” This book purported to explain exactly what you had to “do” to get the goal of “having” a mate. The problem is that this is completely senseless when you understand the equation of “be-do-have.”
When you truly get this life lesson, it will have a profound impact on every aspect of your life. No longer will you focus solely on the goal—now you will focus on who you must first become, and the attainment of the goals will follow.
I know, it sounds Pollyanna. It sounds so simple. But it’s the simple-sounding things that are often the most difficult to actually do. I see this turmoil in teenagers a lot. They think that their identity is created by who they are with, what they wear, what their outward appearance is, the grades they get, the college they attend, what they do. The reality, however, is that identity is based on who you are not what you do.
That’s why you hear of 10- and 20-year high school reunions in which the popular kids are now struggling and some of the most unpopular kids are now the successful adults. When you understand this equation, it makes perfect sense. Think about it. In high school, the “popular” kids already “have.” They have the status, the good looks, the admiration of others. Why work for something you already have?
The unpopular kids on the other hand are forced to find their true identity not in the outer world, but in the inner world. So they work on themselves rather than on what the outside world says is important. Thus, 10 or 20 years down the road, they who have been forced to “be” are now “doing” and “having” in much greater proportion than those who “had” everything.
To be sure, this is a vast generalization. There are popular kids who take time out to work on themselves and “become,” and there are unpopular kids who want to “have” so badly that they contort who they are trying to fit in. The exceptions are there, but so is the rule.
You have to be before you can do, and you have to do before you can have. If you don’t, nothing you ever get will be enough. And if you do, whatever you have will be plenty. With this in mind, find some time today to fit a little “being” time into your “to-do” list. It may just turn out to be the best time investment you could ever make.
A stay-at-home mom with a husband, three kids and a writing addiction on the side, Staci Stallings has numerous titles for readers to choose from. Not content to stay in one genre and write it to death, Staci’s stories run the gamut from young adult to adult, from motivational and inspirational to full-out Christian and back again. Every title is a new adventure! That’s what keeps Staci writing and you reading. Although she lives in Amarillo, Texas and her main career right now is her family, Staci touches the lives of people across the globe with her various Internet and writing endeavors.
I just love “being” a child of God, all else comes second. I never have to “do” anything to “have” a relationship with Him….it just “is” because He called me to “be” His. Did I get that right? :-) It’s very peaceful just to rest in knowing I am His and I don’t need to do anything but enjoy that!
Excellent post, Staci! You made me think about a few things. I wasn’t unpopular in high school, but I certainly wasn’t one of the “beautiful people” who had it all and nothing to prove. Very interesting perspective, and very insightful. That last paragraph was a stellar one. I appreciate your post. Thank you! Blessings.
A very thought provoking post. I can easily see where this was good advice back in high school, but I can also see where it is good advice for me, right now. “You have to be before you can do, and you have to do before you can have. If you don’t, nothing you ever get will be enough. And if you do, whatever you have will be plenty.” I copied that into my journal for further contemplation. Thanks!
Staci, thanks for your insightful post. Lots of wisdom to ponder :)
I so agree, Trixi!
I was a somewhere-in-between, JoAnn. Not the most popular by a long stretch, but I now see because I was okay with being who I was (even to the extent that I did!), I was able to appreciate who I was. That’s helped greatly in becoming who I am, which is the basis for what I do and have. And the basis for ALL of it, is God!
Diane, so glad it spoke to you! Blessings!
Thanks for stopping by, Narelle!