It’s been one of those tough times many marriages go through. Those times when no matter what we do or say we seem to rub each other the wrong way. When anger over things outside our relationship spill over, leading to arguments over nothing. When we get so tired of the battle, simply stopping trying and walking away feels so tempting!
I’m a fixer. I tend to feel it’s my job to “fix” people or situations. And oh boy, do I get angry and frustrated I get when I can’t. So we got in this spiral where outside frustrations and challenges made my husband angry, his anger colored his interactions with me, I tried to fix things, and that made things even worse.
So, I’ve been doing a LOT of praying over this (LOL, only after trying things my way first and messing up, of course!). Thankfully God blessed me with an epiphany, one of those sweet moments of insight.
I’m always amazed by these. They can happen in church. They can happen out in beautiful nature, inspired by the beauty of His creation. They can happen during quiet time, when we’re open to Him and focused on Him. More often, they just happen.
This one just happened to come when I was doing a particularly nasty household job I really didn’t want to do – cleaning out a dirty, smelly bin! I won’t go into detail, but it was baaaaaaad!
And wham! God whacked me with insight into what I’d been struggling with.
I finished cleaning the bin, washed my hands, went indoors, and wrote this in my prayer journal:
I hear what You’re asking me. Stop “fixing”. Only You can fix things. My job is to just to be with it. Sometimes simply being present and holding the person or the situation in Love is the best we can do. And You’re not asking me to do any more than that.
Help me to seek Your will in all things Lord. Help me to bring everything I do into Your service, make it all an act of love done for You. Help me to see every part of my life, even the most menial or most frustrating, in that way.
That’s where joy and peace waits for me. That’s the life You created me to live. Help me to do that Lord. Help me to live that life, a life of love, for You.
Some relationships hold more challenges than others. Some lives hold more challenges than others. What God reminded me, pulling me out of my pity party, is that staying in love and living a life of love is ALWAYS challenging, no matter what the situation is. This isn’t only about how I am with my husband, it’s about how I do my whole life.
The good news is that once we stop trying to fix things ourselves, we open the way for God to work in the situation. Sometimes, all we need to do is step out the way so He can take over. Opening our hearts to His love, really soaking in His love for us, lets us live out that love.
It feels so good to do that and let go of the struggle! I’m hoping my husband will notice the difference too, as I stop trying to fix things and simply focus on loving him and showing him I love him.
As always, I’m learning the same lessons my characters are learning. *grins* Or is it that I make my characters learn the lessons I’m learning?
Either way, in Calm and Bright, my story in the Candy Cane Kisses boxed set (releasing tomorrow, just 99c till October 2nd!), Maddie learns big lessons in what living a life of love means, too, when her ex-husband comes to stay with her, their son, and her grandmother for Christmas!
She discovers it’s not necessarily doing what she loves, but being willing to make sacrifices for Love. Big Love, the Love God wants us to live in, so much bigger and sweeter than our little loves of earthly things.
Thankfully, though Maddie can’t see the way though her conflict, God has a plan for her and her family, as I trust He has a plan for the highest good of each of us! I loved writing Maddie’s happy ending, and I hope you’ll love reading it too.
We have a sweepstakes for the boxed set! First prize is a $50 gift card plus an additional ebook from each of the 8 authors in the set, and two other winners will get the 8 ebooks each. Enter by leaving your email at CCKsweepentries, before October 2nd. Entries open to US residents only.
So, can I ask you, what are your favorite ways to show the people close to you that you love them? And what are the ways you most appreciate those close to you showing you that you’re loved and appreciated? All comments made by Friday 30th September go in a random draw for your choice of my ebooks (excluding multi-author boxed sets).
USA Today bestselling author Autumn Macarthur writes romances full of faith and hope, celebrating God's love as well as a man and a woman finding their happily ever after. She prays they’ll warm your heart and make you smile. An Australian transplanted to Britain, Autumn lives just north of London with her lovely English husband and three demanding cats, in a very small house with a teensy tiny garden. She loves talking to readers, so please get in touch! And get a free Christian romance novella when you sign up for her reader newsletter at http://bit.ly/Autumnsubscribe
Thank you! I needed to hear this. “step out the way so He can take over”. Yup. That’d be me. :-/
~”As always, I’m learning the same lessons my characters are learning. *grins* Or is it that I make my characters learn the lessons I’m learning?”
I do the same thing! :) Must be the writer in me. :)
All the best as you write for His glory.
Lucy
Powerful thoughts and as always, pertinent! It can be so hard to step back and see the bigger picture, through God’s eyes rather than what we think is best for ourselves. I show my love through acts of service and quality time, and (funnily enough) feel loved when people do the same for me- acts of service and quality time. My husband and I love to walk, ride bikes- anything active, together and have our best conversations then. Thanks for your thoughts and sharing your journey:)
Thank you Autumn for sharing such a personal part of your life, especially as an inspirational romance writer. I am a fixer. I want everybody to be happy with no conflicts. Been married for 43 years, I also struggle on how to show my husband I love him even when he infuriates me. I like to show love by doing something special – making or buying something the person would love, giving of my time even when I am busy and tired. The main struggle of a marriage or a relationship are unmet expectations. Being married for 43 years, I feel my husband should know my favorite flower, dessert, candy or restaurant. I love being surprised with what I enjoy!
Opening our hearts to His love, really soaking in His love for us, lets us live out that love. So true! LOVE is a CHOICE!
Lovely post, Autumn. Doing for others and listening are ways I show my love to others. Also, I unplug and spend non-distracted time with those I love.
Standing back and doing what feels like nothing is extremely hard for me. I “know” prayer is doing something but I would much rather be actively involved in the process. This past week I learned there really is nothing I can do and I must let go and let God. The reality as you pointed out of just being that safe harbor and loving is probably the most powerful thing we all can do for anyone.
For my kiddos it’s making sure I make time for each of them individually every day, snuggling them and then planning special times with each of them. I feel loved when I am remembered, a text, a phone call, or when someone just stops by with something as simple as a Pepsi. One of my best friends did that once and I have never forgotten it.
Human relationships are hard, I am grateful that my relationship with my heavenly father is so much easier.
So timely to be reminded to pray and stay in God’s love! I am a fixer and will bend over backwards to help others to the point of physical and emotional exhaustion. I love to have a full house and cook a big meal. I long to be treated to a special time away. I have learned to just go to the spa or make a cup of tea rather than wait for them from others. It is amazing how God can surprise at times.
I try to encourage unplugged time too. Such a challenge.
Communication & Prayer. It’s my favorite way of “showing” & “receiving” love. Taking the time to communicate & saying a prayer, is very uplifting for me. Sometimes praying for someone is the only way I can communicate my love to him/her.
Thanks for the devotional thought. It is good advice. I show love by doing things for people , baking, helping, …… I’ve been married a long time and have found men just look at things differently, surprise, surprise. I’ve had to learn that my husband loves me, even though he expresses it very differently than I would.
Autumn,
Thank you for being so open with us. How did you know this was what I needed to read today? I know it was a God thing! I too am a fixer and when I see a struggle my husband or any of my children are going through I want to fix it. I have to continually remind myself I’m not God and only HE can fix it. I just need to pray and hand over the control I like to have.
Years ago I read the book by Gary Smally, Five Languages of Love. And that’s helped a lot! To know what the other person’s language is really makes a difference.
It’s like going to a drive thru and ordering something, the voice on the other end is all jumbled and you’re not sure what they say but you hope it’s right so you give your order. Only when you get up to the window do you find out they didn’t understand you and you didn’t understand them. The receiving and giving were all mixed up.
We need to learn what each other’s love language is to be able to give it so they can receive it and know they’re loved.
I show love with acts of service – doing things for my husband and our family. Things as simple as topping up his coffee cup! I like to receive love in a similar way – those around me lending a helping hand as needed. Thanks for sharing your challenge today, Autumn.
Thanks, Lucy! Yes, when we’ve learned to be self-reliant and depend on ourselves, unlearning that to depend on Him can be a long process. But we’ll get there.
LOL, yes, we give our poor characters a tough time. But we can also joy in their happy endings, my favorite part of writing!
Sometimes a simple, loving affirmation is the best way to show love, and I love receiving words of love, too. One of my favorite memories is when a toddler grandson was having a rough day, misbehaving and getting repeated scoldings. I happened to be visiting, and I called him over and whispered in his ear, “I think you’re wonderful.” His little face lit up, and his attitude immediately changed. Big lesson for Grandma right there!
Acts of service and quality times are biggies! Great that you and your husband can do those things together and both feel loved. :)
Oh, Renate, yes, I relate to that so much! The expectations. And how hard yet so necessary it is to still show our love even when we’re frustrated!
Soaking in God’s love is the only way, I’m learning. When I let His love fill me, loving other becomes easy!
Judy and Jill, so true. Unplugged time is essential. I cringe to recall all the evenings hubby and I ate while staying focused on our devices, not talking! I’m trying to make dinner time a space of togetherness and quality time for us, no matter what the rest of the day is like.
This is a challenge for us though, as he was brought up to be silent at the dinner table, and is finding that very hard to unlearn. So we have a tricky balance here making sure what is aimed to be together time doesn’t cause more friction!
So true, Robin! Relationships can be hard. I think our biggest challenges here often involve living out God’s love. We’re fragile and still imperfect. The people we love are still fragile and imperfect. One day, we’ll love perfectly, the way God loves us. But for now, we need to be gentle in our expectations of ourselves, and forgive ourselves the same way God forgives us- freely and fully.
That then frees us to be able to simply be with a situation and hold it up to God in love. Thankfully He supports us in that, because it’s not always easy. :)
I hope you find lots of lovely surprises, Judy! Yes, learning to nurture ourselves rather than expecting or waiting on that from others is important. We need to know we are worthy of love and nurture. We are!
I’m sure the person being prayed for feels that too, Esther. :) It’s a very real gift to give them.
I know I feel more pure love for people in my life, even the most difficult people, when I pray for them.
Also, something I was chatting with Valerie about last night. We may be too far from someone who is in our heart to show love in a practical way. She joked about whether they lived within “casserole distance”, whether those who cared could make and take around a casserole as a practical gesture of support. Now with the internet, more travel, people moving more, we may be beyond casserole distance for most of the people we love. My parents are on the far side of the world! But I can hold them in prayer. And that’s as loving.
We certainly do tend to express love differently to men. Not always, but often, we have a disconnect in what we think shows love. That’s a theme in my last story, actually. They tried to show love, but had a huge difference in how they did it, so neither felt the love!
Marylin, so glad my words touched your heart today. I pray over every post and seek to write what I feel God asks me to, so definitely a God thing! He is so amazing! Praying you feel His loving hands supporting you today!
I have that book too. The love language mismatch was something I needed to see as an issue in my marriage. The ways I tried to show love just weren’t reaching my husband, and I felt angry and unappreciated. And at the same time, I wasn’t seeing the ways he tried to show his love for me. Realising that is a huge help! I can stop getting angry when he doesn’t respond how I expect, and make sure to show love the way he can receive. And I can make sure to thank him for how he shows his love, seeing the intent in what he does. I like your analogy for the drive-through order- so apt!
Those things can definitely help us feel loved. :)
I love that story, Kathleen! Yes, kids (and adults too!) so often play up to get attention, and their behavior escalates when they don’t get what they need. Giving love to him freely was so exactly what he needed.
It’s a tricky balance, staying loving while setting limits on unacceptable behavior, but often putting the love in can turn a situation right around!
Thank you for sharing your thoughts in your post. I enjoyed reading it. Thanks also for offering us a chance to win your books!
Kathleen like your grandson example. I remember as a parent to three sons being stressed and scolding my sons and I see the behavior repeated as my daughter in law rushes to work. Since I see the grandsons before and after school that extra hug or kind word helps both child and parent.
Thanks for reading, Linda! :)
Thank you for sharing your experience and for writing such great books like Calm and Bright. It took some forgiving of Brad (even on my part because I remembered him from Forget Paris), but he wasn’t that bad, on the contrary, it was beautiful to see transformation from what I remembered of him and what he’d become. I can see how it took Maddie some time too. I’ve pre-ordered Candy Cane Kisses and I’m looking forward to read the other books.
As for your question, I’m a fixer too (but apparently so are several of your readers) and I also like to give gifts (and love to get them too–but my husband has a very difficult relationship with gifts… never really learned to give and receive them, though he’s amazing with flowers, which are kind of gifts).
I’m glad you felt the story worked, Priscila! :)
Flowers can be good!
My husband has trouble with gifts too. That’s a challenge for us, as I love giving presents and getting them too, and he’s not comfortable with either. I’m learning – random presents “just because” are okay, birthday or Christmas presents, not so easy for him to accept. So I sneak him little gifts now and then and he loves it! He’s far more an acts of service man than a gift giver.
I love making good stuff to eat to show my love, especially sweets! Although I don’t do them as often anymore as hubby & I don’t really need all the sugary stuff. So what I do make, I take to church on Sunday morning to share at fellowship time after service. I love bringing smiles to peoples faces through food.
Hubby and I love quality time together. He loves physical touch & affirmation and I thrive on acts of service. So I’ve had to learn to show him my love through touch more even though it doesn’t come naturally. I’ve found I love the closeness it brings us in our marriage. Just holding hands in public, brushing his arm when passing by, giving a peck on his check or any number of small things makes him feel valued and loved. And he knows that by doing extra things for me, it shows his love for me. He also is a helps person so this comes as natural as breathing :-) We’ve had to learn a few things over the years, but each step brings us closer in heart!
Thanks for a fun post! My husband is the “fixer” and has had to learn that I don’t always want something “fixed”, maybe I just want someone to listen to my venting.
What a sweet way to show love and share with others, Trixi!
And yes, those small touches are important! One study looked at predictors for divorce, and they found two things that counted. Whether couple fought “clean” when they argued, keeping it on the actual issue rather than escalating to a general criticism of the other; and whether they touched in small affectionate ways. The brush of the fingers, the kiss dropped on the forehead as we walk past. These things build closeness in tiny ways that really add up.
My first love was very physical, a big cuddler and kisser. But my husband, not so much. LOL, not at ALL! Because he’s on the autistic spectrum, he can seem cold and distant. I found that hard at first! It took me a while to realise he really craved being touched, but could only accept the smaller less full-on signs of affection. And I’ve come to find that giving those signs of affection to him warms me as much as a big cuddle would, too.
Autumn, thanks for sharing your heart with us. Something as simple as my husband making me a cup of hot tea is an act of love. :)
So true, Narelle. Little caring gestures mean a lot. :)
In our home, words of encouragement, hugs and cuddles, and baked goods (cookies and brownies are best) are the love languages of choice!
Sounds wonderful, Beth Erin! :)
I love to tell the people I love them and by the little things I do to make life easier for them
Yes. Those little things and speaking words of love can make a big difference, Shelia. :)