I know we here at Inspy Romance are contemporary romance readers and writers. We read and write about strong, contemporary women, many of whom own their own businesses or have powerful positions. They’re independent and can do things for themselves, maybe even change a tire (I’m thankful I’ve never had to attempt this myself!). At any rate, they are certainly women who can open a door for themselves.
But can I tell you a secret? Nothing makes me swoon more than a man who still shows chivalry in this day and age. Not the duel-to-the-death type of chivalry, of course (though when it comes down to it, a man who is willing to lay down his own life for his love is the epitome of chivalry in any age). But, to my mind, the putting-her-needs-before-his-own kind of chivalry is what makes a hero both swoon-worthy and someone to root for.
Here are a few of my favorite acts of chivalry (many of which you’ll find in at least one, if not all, of my books):
- Holding the door. This could be a car door, a house door, a restaurant door, it doesn’t matter. Many years ago, when my husband and I had just started dating, a friend saw him hold a door open for me, and she got terribly offended on my behalf because clearly I am capable of opening a door for myself. I could only laugh because, to me, that act of opening the door was such an act of selflessness and care that it completely won me over. And to this day, my heart melts every time I see one of my boys (or my girls—let’s be fair, I love to see them put others first too) hold the door open for someone.
- Giving up his jacket, sweatshirt, etc. for her. I can’t help but include a scene like this in every single book I write (always in a different way and under different circumstances, of course), maybe because I’m always cold, and my husband will always give up his jacket or sweatshirt or mittens for me. (This is less of an issue now that we live in Texas, but I know he still would if I needed it.)
- Holding her coat for her. Related to giving up his coat, this one is also a sweet way for a guy to show that he’s thinking of her.
- Pulling out her chair. Okay, I admit I’m not sure if I’ve ever written this one, mostly because my characters tend to go on more casual dates, where there might not be an occasion to pull out a chair. And also because I always find it awkward myself to know how to scoot the chair back in after someone has pulled it out for me (it’s okay if you’re laughing at me now).
- Walking her to the door. Kind, caring—and also offers the perfect opportunity for a goodnight kiss!
- Giving her flowers. Ah, I love this one. Even though I always tell my husband not to buy me flowers, I can’t deny that it makes me smile when he does it anyway. Such a lovely way for a man to show that he is thinking about a woman.
- Kissing her forehead. Another of my favorites. Honestly, if I could write a book of all forehead kisses, I might, because I think they’re just so tender and protective.
- Paying the check. Okay, this is a controversial one, and my heroines do fight it in many of my books. I certainly don’t think the guy needs to be the one to pay every time, but since we’re talking chivalry, it’s sweet when they do pick up the bill (and it’s also sweet when they give in to the heroine’s demand to let her pay).
- Dancing with her. Just the other day, we were decorating the tree with the kids, Christmas music playing in the background, when my husband swept me into a dance. Dancing with him still makes me smile every time, as does a hero who dances with the heroine (and all the better if he’s a terribly awkward dancer).
As I was looking at this list, I realized that Joseph, the hero in my newest release, Pieces of Forever, checks most of these chivalry boxes. Plus, the most important: in his love of Ava and his willingness to put her first, he is a picture of Ephesians 5:25: “Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her.” That, to me, makes the perfect chivalrous hero.
Tell me, how do you feel about chivalry in contemporary romance (and real life)? Do you have a favorite act of chivalry?
Valerie M. Bodden has three great loves: Jesus, her family, and books. And chocolate (okay, four great loves). She writes emotion-filled Christian fiction that weaves real-life problems, real-life people, and real-life faith. Her characters may (okay, will) experience some heartache along the way, but true to her tendencies as a hopeless romantic, she will always give them a happy ending. Valerie is living out her happily ever after in Wisconsin with her high-school-sweetheart-turned-husband and their four children. Visit her at www.valeriembodden.com to get a free story.
I love it all & think that it should be done every day.
I think it should be done to women every day
Chivalry should be encouraged.
I love all acts of chivalry! even if the boy offers to pay the bill! not always or every time, but once in a while. Although it is nice that even women open the door to someone else, I would like men to keep those customs … the problem is that nowadays women get offended and scold them … making boys intimidate and ruining chivalry for those of us who enjoy it.
As a 24-year-old girl, I can say that I would like a man to be like that to me, I am tired of having to jump in the library to get a book, for a boy to come by and do not worry if the door is too heavy for me or hit my nose or let me carry something heavy alone “because she can” yes of course I can! but maybe I want you to help me because is cute and shows concern, not because I can’t!
So whenever a guy does it for me he earns points and I make sure to thank him.
Hi Valerie! As a wife, mother to 3 sons, and Oma to two teen grandsons I hope the act of chivalry isn’t dead. Chivalry shows respect for another human being. Chivalry shows that the person pays attention and is caring. A random act of kindness – hopefully not just during the courting / dating period of a relationship. I know my oldest son buys his wife flowers for no reason and sometimes even for his young daughter. In your list – a twist to giving flowers, I enjoy receiving chocolate or my favorite bakery treat.
One of my favorite acts of chivalry is a southern custom. If the man is sitting, he stands when a woman enters the room. Always made me feel good when my husband’s friend showed that respect.
Something not mentioned. When shopping with automatic doors, this retiree is impressed with a man that lets me enter first, lets me go down an aisle or a checkout ahead of me. Often remark “that his mother trained him right.” Also calling me: ma’am.
Best wishes and happy writing.
I love all a kinds of chivalry. My husband and sons tell me that are sometimes met with hostility from women if they open a door or move aside to allow a woman to enter a door first, etc.
I taught my sons to be chivalrous but the modern feminist woman often treats a man with rude behavior for it which saddens me.
Long live chivalry! And long live ladies who appreciate it!
Agreed! Chivalry should be an everyday thing!
Yes! Such a wonderful way to show love every day!
For sure! It’s definitely something I want to encourage in my kids!
Well said! It’s not because we can’t do it but because it shows care and concern. I wholeheartedly agree that society as a whole has made it harder for guys to feel like they should be showing chivalry. But I think there are great opportunities for us to encourage men to be chivalrous–especially when we go out of our way to thank them for doing so! Great for you!
Oh yes, Renate, I agree that passing chivalry on to the next generation is so important. And you make a good point that it’s not just during the courting period but always. As much as I enjoy flowers, I’m always up for chocolate too! As someone who grew up in the north, I’m not accustomed to men standing when a woman enters the room, but I think that’s a really neat tradition and sign of respect. Letting a woman enter or check out first is a great way to show chivalry as well.
It’s so sad to me when men are scolded for being chivalrous and respectful of women. I’m glad that there are still men who act with chivalry anyway. And women who appreciate them!
I love it!! Years ago, I had a male friend who would open car doors for me, and any other door, for that matter! He didn’t walk me to the door, but he would wait until I was in the house before leaving. I would NOT go out with any man who would honk the horn for me to go outside, or (more than once) a man who wouldn’t make sure I was safely inside before leaving, whether he walked me to the door or not. There were a few tv shows (can’t remember which ones now) that this happened in, and I always thought what a jerk the guy was!
My husband is a perfect example of chivalry still alive and well in today’s modern world. He has also taught (by example) our grown son these same principles.
I love when he opens my car door….though I often forget (to my shame) and open it myself. Like you said, it’s not because I CAN’T open my own door, but it’s his selfless act of love towards me. I love when I see someone watching him do it, especially women and the look on their faces. He also gives me his jacket/sweatshirt/coat when I’m chilled and don’t have something with me. He’ll walk on the outside of the sidewalk, place my hand through his arm, and any number of other little things. It makes me feel loved, protected, and like he wants to spend time with me.
Sadly, we’ve have people accuse him of doing these things because he wants to rule over me with an iron thumb….which is completely NOT true. Mostly it’s the worldly attitude that some women (a few men too) have. I think in some ways we’ve come so far from manners & chivalry that it’s not understood anymore. I personally LOVE to see acts of chivalry in public today, it gives me hope that my husband isn’t truly the last nice man on the planet, lol!
Hi Val! I think acts of chivalry boil down to respect as much as caring. I was taught these things growing up even though my parents just had 2 girls. I also taught my daughter this no different than my son. The one act I have always favored the most is opening doors, even more so since I have been walking with a walker or cane. I can say that not having someone do this for anyone who is ‘walking challenged’ now is more of a pet peeve. Little bothers me more than a person letting a door shut behind them when there is someone following them who has trouble walking, others even more so than myself. I think it is even harder for people to think about where so many places have automatic doors now. Even though it seems to me to be backwards it has been, in my experience, more common for this practice to be ignored by older people than younger ones. That is just weird, right?
That being said, as a young woman, if I had any spark of interest in a man I would always go out in public with him to see how he behaved toward strangers. Things like opening doors was one, another big things was paying attention to others in the checkout lines. If a person had a couple of items and we had more or especially when an older person was behind us and/or someone who seemed to be having trouble standing or walking I wanted to see his concern or respect to let them go ahead of him. I think part of this was how I was raised but I also worked in the health field-generally with older people. This made these things more of a character trait I considered a must in a man.
I hope everyone had a great Thanksgiving!
I think it should be done everyday especially with holding the door
I think all these are perfect things that make a man kind and loving. I am a big believer of Actions speak Louder than Words and that is for both men and women. My husband is a believer of that, I have been Blessed with a very good husband. I think all these things should be instilled in our sons and grandsons. I love all of this great things in books. Thank you so much for sharing this. Have a great week and stay safe.
I love it <3
We should teach our boys!
I love acts of chivalry and I think men should be encouraged to do them. There’s nothing wrong with a man taking care of you and it also shows that he’s one of the good ones too.
Good post, Valerie. I love acts of chivalry in life and fiction. It’s becoming a lost art. My favorite is a man giving up his seat for a woman. Like in a waiting room at a restaurant or hospital. My husband does that and will even do it for an older man who has a hard time standing. I always feel proud to be with him.
I find as I’ve gotten older, men are more chivalrous. Wouldn’t be the grey hair, would it, lol. However I do think it’s very important to encourage them by a smile and a thank you.
I do like acts of chivalry although I think things like holding the door open for people is good manners. I know men get confused as some women think its chauvinistic to open the door for a lady but if you are going in and there is someone one behind you or coming its manners to hold the door open even if it’s just till they then take hold of the door. Or if you see a person struggling to say here let me get the door is manners. (It come be in a country town its more common). If someone has there arms full open the door for them. Even just saying excuse me when you walk infront of someone in the supermarket to get around them.
I think even if the guy just asks would you like me to help with that or can I get the door for you its considerate and the female can say thanks but I can handle it etc.
I actually think seeing someone walking who looks like they are tired or struggling and offering them a ride is a form of chivalry. (or when somewhere doing some work where a few others are and they know you walked got wet and its raining they offer to take you home or come back when you finish and give you a lift is wonderful. this is what I would have liked a few weeks back but instead got drenched).
Yes! It’s really obvious when those acts of chivalry are missing and can definitely be a red flag (although I suppose chivalry can be learned over time, perhaps!).
I love to hear this! I’m the same way about car doors–my husband is always standing there clearing his throat if I open my own door because I forget to let him do it for me, lol. I especially love that your sons have grown up with this example…it gives me hope that chivalry will continue even with the world’s attitude that sees it as something other than the act of selfless love it is.
Hi Deb! I completely agree that many of these things are things I have taught my girls too–especially holding a door open. Sometimes one of my kids will be holding the door for so many people at church or somewhere that we end up standing around waiting for them–which is totally fine with me! The best part was when I watched my two teenagers walk into school the other day–and my son held the door open for his older sister. Talk about a heart-melting moment!
I love the idea of gauging how a man acts toward strangers as a way of determining his character. It’s one thing if he’s kind to the date he’s trying to impress but another all together if he lets someone he doesn’t know go in front of him in line!
Hope you had a wonderful Thanksgiving as well!
Yes! Such a simple act but it shows so much care!
That’s a perfect way of looking at it–actions speak louder than words! I’m so glad you have a wonderful husband who believes that too. And I completely agree that we need to pass these kinds of actions down to our sons and grandsons.
Absolutely! It’s so important that we teach this to the next generation!
For sure! A great way to tell if he’s one of the good ones!
Thanks, Shannon! Giving up his seat is a good one. It’s a blessing to be married to a man who shows so much care for others.
Lol! But I agree that a thank you and a smile go a long way toward showing how much we appreciate the chivalry!
I think you’re right that a lot of this is manners–maybe manners that have been sadly lost over time. And you make a good point that a guy can at least offer…and if a woman doesn’t need help, she can politely decline. Offering someone a ride is another great form of chivalry. I’m sorry you had to get drenched the other week–I hope next time someone gives you a lift!
That’s a great list! I love it both in books and in real life. :) I also love that it can be shown not only in a relationship but also with friends. Once, I had two friends that told me I shouldn’t have to walk on campus by night, so they offered to give me rides if I ever needed to.
Yes! Chivalry isn’t just for romantic relationships–it’s a great way to show care in other relationships or even to strangers. I’m glad your friends were watching out for you on campus!
I love it in books and in life. I think that in life it is has been lost. Thank you for sharing. God bless you.
Sadly, I think you’re right that chivalry has been lost to a large extent in real life. But I’m heartened to hear all the reports of chivalry in the comments here!
Seeing you son hold the door for his sister….absolutely priceless! Waiting for them at church speaks to the way they were raised! I would be happy to wait too! I’ll write to you about Thanksgiving, it was awesome! Driving hours at about 20 mph without being able to tell if you were on the road & missing a HUGE deer by a hair in my cousin’s brand new SUV I borrowed to pick up and take Daddy home were not the high points, but I would do it all again for the blessing of our time together!
Oh, I’ve been hoping that you got to see your daddy for Thanksgiving! I’m so happy for you. And so glad you missed that deer!
Hi, Valerie! I have a memory from my school days when a female friend had been out jogging and was standing at a corner waiting for a light to be able to cross the street. It had rained recently and there was a big puddle there. A car took the corner tightly and soaked my friend. Some guy was standing nearby and took it upon himself to yell at the driver on her behalf. Nothing else, just the yelling. When she told us about what happened, my comment was, “Chivalry isn’t dead. It’s just limping along.” :-)
I see chivalry as simply living out a servant’s heart. It’s a way of showing kindness to others. The fact that there are those who feel the need to put someone down for such actions is a sign of their own pain controlling them. I think pain gets to us all at some point. That’s why I am so grateful for the privilege of prayer. I have plenty to be forgiven for so it’s wonderful to be able to ask (again and again). :D
Thanks on the way back it wasn’t as bad and got to chat with someone doing some work in their yard. Always nice to chat with people in the neighbourhood. I think some people need to be hit over the head with a ton of bricks to get that oh she got soaked coming her shoes and jacket are in the hall drying in front of a heater maybe she would like a ride home. (Especially when I said my shoes are so wet I may have to walk barefooted home)
Sometimes even a ton of bricks doesn’t do the trick, lol! At least you made the most of it and got to enjoy a chat with people in the neighborhood. :)
That’s a great take on all of this, Lincoln, that chivalry is living out a servant’s heart and that some people are in such pain themselves that it keeps them from seeing the joy in such acts and leads them instead to mock them. I imagine that in many cases a little chivalry shown toward those who feel that way might go a long way. Love the story about your friend–I’d say limping chivalry is better than no chivalry at all, lol! :)
Hi Valerie,
I believe chivalry shows caring and concern.
Thanks for your post!
Janet
As I’ve become older I’ve noticed even teenage boys are opening doors for me. I appreciate their parents teaching them chivalry.
We’ve actually discussed this, my children and I.
Those kindnesses that gentlemen show are not because women are weak and can’t do them for themselves, but because they are precious, esteemed.
I absolutely agree, Janet! Two wonderful qualities in anyone!
That’s wonderful to hear! Such a great thing for parents to teach their children!
That’s a great conversation to have with your kids. And I love the way you phrased that–it’s because they precious and esteemed. Beautiful!