“You’re too young to think of marriage.”
“You guys must have been cradle robbers!”
“Tsk tsk. Kids having kids.”
Thirty-five years ago, on August 30, 1980, my husband and I said our marriage vows to each other. I was 21. He was two months shy of that mark. Four months later we were expecting our first child. Two and a half years after her birth, her younger brother joined our family.
Would I do any of it differently? I honestly can’t say that I would, even though there have certainly been ups and downs. We agreed that it was important for our kids to have a stay-at-home mom when they were young. Our early years were very lean financially, but neither of us had been raised with a lot of money, so we accepted that and made do. Here are some of the things we learned along the way.
• Romance is nice, but being there for each other is better. There haven’t been a lot of flowers, jewelry, chocolate, surprise dates, or exotic vacations in my life. That’s fine by me. Really. (My love language isn’t “gifts!”) We both value hikes in the woods or hunting for shells on the beach or talking on long road trips more than romantic trappings.
• Communication is vital. Men’s brains and women’s brains are very different places, but if you actually talk to each other and explain, as best you can, why something makes you feel the way it does, you stand a running shot at understanding each other. If not exactly understanding, you’ll at least know that strange idea is important to them.
• Love is a decision, not a mushy feeling. We fall out of infatuation easily, and that’s when walking away seems like the easiest and best choice. But real love is a decision. An action. And you know what? The emotions come back, much deeper than that flush of infatuation we have at first.
• The only way out is through. Are there grounds for divorce in this world? Absolutely… and I don’t have them. Life may not always be sunshine and roses, but there is no abuse and no infidelity. We are agreed that marriage is a sacred vow. While it only takes one to leave, it does take two to stay together.
• Marriage and family are worth any sacrifice. For the first twenty-some years, our decisions revolved around the common good. There was little room for individual endeavors, especially if they took much time or finances from the family. By the time the kids left home, finances had improved (not entirely cause and effect!), but the habit sticks. We rarely spend significant money on anything that will only benefit one person, and never without consultation.
• Respect each other. Celebrate differences and encourage each other. No, this is not incompatible with the previous idea. Allow each other the space to be the individual God created him or her to be. We’re both introverts, which might make it easier. We’re both eager to get out of loud, busy places and find solitude or companionable silence. If we were one of each, we’d find a balance. Stick up for each other. Don’t badmouth him to the girls.
• Share faith. Having a common belief in God’s word, salvation through Jesus, and hope in life eternal keep us pointed in the same direction and provide an additional depth of intimacy.
Like most contemporary romances, my stories focus on the emotional roller coaster found in the weeks and months of getting to know one another, falling in love, and committing to a relationship. One of the things that’s great about writing in series, though, is showing the previous characters at progressive stages.
This has been especially fun in the Farm Fresh Romance series, where about five years have passed in story time between the first book, Raspberries and Vinegar, and the sixth one, Berry on Top, which I’m currently writing. Earlier characters are married and in some cases have children. Some of the luster has faded, but I like to think readers can sense the deepening commitment in the earlier couples as the series progresses. They’ve learned some life lessons and are willing to share them with each other.
What are some of the lessons of life and love you have learned?
Valerie Comer is a USA Today bestselling author and a two-time Word Award winner who writes where food meets faith and fiction. She injects experience laced with humor into her green clean romances. Her life on a small farm in western Canada provides the seed for stories of contemporary inspirational romance. Like many of her characters, Valerie and her family grow much of their own food and are active in the local foods movement as well as their church. She only hopes her creations enjoy their happily-ever-afters as much as she does hers, shared with her husband, adult kids, and adorable granddaughters.
I enjoyed reading your post! I got married in 1985. Had a son in 1990 and a daughter in 1995. There seems to be something with years that end in 0 and 5. (I graduated from high school in 1975 and got my Masters in 1980!) Who would have thought………
Congratulations on 35 years! That’s awesome! My husband and I have been married 18 years and we have 4 boys ages 10-16 years. We two have never had money and have always struggled financially but God has been our center and just being content to hangout together has been enough for us. Thank you Valerie for a great post. Jenny
jennydtipton at gmail dot com
Great post, Valerie–I’m glad to count such a wise woman as a friend! Sharing all around.
Interesting about the round numbers! Congrats on your 30th anniversary this year :)
Thanks for the comment, Jenny. Boys that age must keep you busy. I think if you’re spending time with your best friend, it doesn’t have to have glitz, right? :)
Aw, thanks, Lee. ((hugs))
Terrific post! Some very wise words of wisdom. And you know I wholeheartedly agree about writing a series that shows the progression of relationships. That just as important–if not MORE important–as writing about that first blush of love. Blessings. :)
Wonderful post, Val! I love the wedding photo…you both were too cute!
“Romance is nice, but being there for each other is better.” These words resonate with me. When your partner is there for you during a chronic disease, there’s no better expression of love.
Congratulations on your Anniversary! Thank you for writing another encouraging and humerous series!
A great post! Real love is a decision … truer words were never spoken. Great series too – have enjoyed reading them.
It’s a terrific side benefit, in my opinion! And I’ve sure seen that in your stories too. :)
That is so VERY true. I’ve had some health issues this year (nothing life-threatening!) and I can a huge AMEN to that.
Thanks so much Jo! Have you met the Jo in my novel Raspberries and Vinegar? She’s a bit of a firecracker… ;)
I’m tickled you’ve enjoyed my books! Thank you.
Great post. My husband and I have been married 3 years, so we have learned a lot already, but are still hitting new and different bumps. One of the best statements on marriage I’ve heard is “Every marriage is cross-cultural.” It’s really easy for me to see “different” as “wrong,” and while it sometimes is wrong, it’s usually just different.
Your tip could definitely have been on my list! Thanks for sharing, and congrats. Our first three years were pretty tough.
Happy Anniversary, may you have many more.
Thank you :)
My husband and I have been married for 36 years. He was 21 years old and I was 18 when we married. We have been through many experiences, including the birth of our son, my breast cancer, caring for both sets of aging parents, job changes, moving numerous times and so much more. Our love for each other grows each and every day. We have our differences, but, we have learned to put ourselves in each others shoes and consider how we feel. Love is a gift from God and we are thankful. :-)
Amen, Melissa. Love is a gift from God, and we choose to accept it or push it away. Congrats on your 36 years together. :)
I’ve read the first 3 of your Farm Fresh romances so far and really like them! Congrats on your anniversary. My husband and I will celebrate 42 years the end of December!
Thanks so much on both accounts, Margaret! And congrats to you and your hubby. :)