I stumbled across a conversation on Instagram the other day where an author was talking about romance novels and how they were a big cause of encouraging women to lust. She specifically called out Christian romance novels (as well as sweet/clean), saying that just leaving sex off the page wasn’t enough.
And I get what she was saying…sort of.
But I also kind of don’t.
If you look up “lust” in Merriam-Webster, the first definition is “intense or unbridled sexual desire.” The second definition is “an intense longing or craving.” And they have a third definition that they’ve marked “obsolete” that calls lust “pleasure, delight.”
(Maybe I’m old, because I still use the phrase “a lust for life” and it definitely is using lust in that “obsolete” manner.)
Lust, in and of itself, doesn’t necessarily imply sin. I believe it’s valid — good, even! — to have intense sexual desire for your spouse. The dictionary doesn’t put a moral spin on the definitions.
Of course, there are teachings in the Bible against lust. But those aren’t even specifically or only having to do with sexual desire. The Bible speaks more to that second definition — the intense longing or craving. We’re cautioned not to lust after money or status or anything, really, that isn’t a deepened relationship with God.
And this is where romance novels — Christian romance novels in particular — have a great place to show people the difference between healthy lust and attraction and unhealthy.
I do not think it’s wrong to have sexual desire and attraction between the hero and heroine of a romance novel. In fiction, and in life, sex is a beautiful, God-ordained part of marriage. You should crave your spouse physically. And that sexual craving doesn’t just turn on when you say “I do.” It’s part of what draws you together. As believers who living according to the guidelines of Scripture, you don’t act on that craving until after the “I do,” but that doesn’t mean it isn’t there.
And the fact that it’s there isn’t sin!
Take some time to read Song of Solomon. Talk about lust for one’s beloved! Maybe you and I don’t want to be compared to twin deer, but back then? Fan yourself, woman, because that’s some lusty description. There are some, even, who designate Song of Solomon as an “erotic poem.”
Erotic? Really? Well, yes. Because other languages did a much better job of giving meaning to words. In English, we have love. And you have to use context to figure out what it means. The Greeks had six words for love. Three are used in Scripture.
Agape love is the love that we should have for mankind and it’s the unconditional love God has for His children.
Philia love is often considered “brotherly love” — the love between friends. When I tell my friends I love them, this is the word I’d use if I was speaking Greek.
And also? Eros. Eros is intimate love or sexual passion. And yes, we get the word “erotica” from eros, but eros on its own isn’t sinful. Eros is the love between a man and his wife. Or, in the beginning stages of that relationship? The unfulfilled longing between a man and a woman.
Eros is something beautiful that authors of Christian romance can show. It’s the swoony feelings and electrical shocks when hands brush or lips touch. These are good, God-given feelings, and fiction should absolutely portray them! These are the feelings that differentiate between the agape love, the 1 Corinthians 13 love, that we should feel for all of mankind and the deeper layer of love that we feel for our spouse.
I would say that any healthy relationship headed toward the altar should be full of all three of those types of love. And, in fact, the progression from agape to philia to eros follows along the progression from meet cute to initial stages of dating to steadily dating/engaged. And a relationship that only has those first two? To me, that isn’t going to be a romance. Because it could just as easily be a bromance.
If, however, you (or the characters in the book) allow the lust for their partner to overwhelm and supersede their lust for a deeper, stronger relationship with Christ? That’s when the lust has become sin. Anything we crave more than Christ is an idol in our lives that we need to deal with. Sex, money, status — doesn’t matter — lust for those things that takes us away for longing for Jesus is sin we need to address.
It’s possible that the initial intent of the conversation I stumbled across was to warn against fiction that is written with the design to titillate. But, generally speaking, I haven’t run into Christian romance that does this. It might be more prevalent in “sweet” (I don’t tend to read a ton of that), but honestly, barring fiction that is truly smut and written to be smut (e.g. erotica), I don’t think authors are putting sexual attraction and action into their books to turn readers on.
Christian authors aren’t, for sure.
That said, everyone has their own stumbling blocks. Maybe reading any sort of sexual attraction causes you unhealthy lust (by causing you to be dissatisfied with your own marital relationship or, if you’re single, by leading you into a sinful imaginative life or to use of porn). Just like it’s possible that reading about rich billionaires might cause you to lust for money and decry your reality. Or reading about serial killers might lead you into the headspace where you imagine getting even with those people who have wronged you. In any of these cases, it is up to you to submit your reading choices to Jesus and ask Him to guide you to fiction that will not lead you into sin.
Provided the author’s intent was not to lead readers into these a sinful, lustful fantasy, the author who wrote the romance or the thriller or the ultra-rich hero isn’t at fault for your personal struggles. And I think we do authors, readers, and the Christian community as a whole a disservice when we say otherwise.
But I’d really love to know what you think. Do you feel that Christian romance should only have bare-bones description of romantic encounters (e.g. “And then they kissed.”)? Do you disagree with my thoughts on lust above? Or have something else to chime in on the topic? I’d love to hear what you have to say!
Dianne says
Wow what a great post! I always wondered why some Christian authors completely avoid intimacy, as I think intimacy (way more than just sex) is what bonds couples and that will include sexual desire, so having that written into a book doesn’t titillate me, rather is evidence of the couples bond. Someone wrote a blog a while ago about how much sex in a book. I remember an author friend told me that there are some people who will buy erotic novels just to write one star reviews of them. Christ gave us choice to choose, and I think allowing others choice is important too and the lust I choose not to read about is the lust that covets. I’m old fashioned too so I understand lust for life and the joy it brings.
Jeannette says
What I love about most Christian romance authors is their emphasis on character and healthy relationships between friends and couples.
Seldom have I encountered anything but the old fashioned definition of lust in the books I have read.
I do select my authors and there are a few books ( authors names long forgotten) which have made me uncomfortable. But it’s very easy to close the book and walk away.
Thanks for the blog, it’s good to have to think about the ‘why’ we read what we do .
Milla Holt says
This is a very interesting article, and I wish I had time to do more than a flyby comment!
I understand where people are coming from when they criticise Christian romance for encouraging women to lust.
For the same reason, I’m not a fan of the term “book boyfriend” when it means encouraging a reader to wish that the hero of a book was their own partner. Yes, as authors we absolutely do want our characters to be likeable and inspire empathy, but I am not comfortable when I see authors fanning the flames and wanting readers to put themselves into the shoes of the heroine, experiencing those swoony kisses vicariously. That’s where we swim in dangerous waters.
To be fair, the “book boyfriend” type of hype happens mainly in the marketing and not in the books themselves.
I’m all for romance where we create stories that cause readers to celebrate the couple’s love for each other. Not where the reader is supposed to imagine herself as the recipient of the hero’s love. I delight in stories that leave me with a happy sigh because this couple that belongs together find their happily ever after in a beautiful way.
And, like you said, a lot of this has to do with what’s going on in a reader’s own mind and heart, and the author has no way of knowing what temptations their readers struggle with.
I’m not sure whether I’m making complete sense, because I’ve written this in a hurry!
Elizabeth Maddrey says
Yes! Intimacy is so much more than sex. And it’s so critical to healthy romantic relationships.
Elizabeth Maddrey says
I do love how Christian romance focuses on character development and healthy relationships! Because there are so many subtly abusive relationships out there in mainstream media and that isn’t one that honors Christ either.
Elizabeth Maddrey says
I meant to mention “book boyfriend” but the post was getting long. I don’t love that, because I do think that’s taking fiction into an unhealthy place. Just like women who say an actor is their “hall pass” — that’s not a healthy thing for a marriage (to imply that adultery is ever ok).
Jaycee Weaver says
I read that post, too, and was left scratching my head much in the same way you were.
It’s a lot like blaming alcohol for someone getting drunk or a weapon for taking a life. It’s isn’t the object that caused the sin, it was the heart of the sinner (which we all are!). We are prone to wander, but to overcome we must place the blame where it belongs—on our own hearts.
God is the author and creator of the Great Romance between the bridegroom (Christ) and his bride (the Church). Loving, intimate relationships are an echo of the abiding, choosing, abandoning oneself to all others for One kind of eternal love we have with God. He gave us sex and physical attraction, it’s the sin in the world that corrupted it. To give credit to the devil for anything God has created is a slight to the creator.
Christian fiction is a lovely means of portraying the proper pattern for a godly, healthy relationship. It’s a place to encourage and show growth. To leave an example for others to follow, which is our calling in Christ. We are to BE the church and live love.
I get so tired of people who believe their job is to police law and sin in other’s lives. That’s not anyone’s job but the Holy Spirit unless a person in leadership is dragging others into sin, and there are clear outlines for that in the Bible. A public rant on FB isn’t included in that scripture.
Elizabeth Maddrey says
I love everything about your comment! <3
Renate says
Hi Milla and Elizabeth! Definitely an intriguing and interesting discussion topic. This retired pastor’s wife, mom, and grandmother is always uncomfortable when in Christian reading circles one refers to a book boyfriend. I read Christian romance for the overall story – like watching my sons meet the love of their lives or now maybe grandchildren or my friends’ children. Not to swoon over a male character. Actually has a reader I pay little attention to the physical description of characters. Even as I watch Hallmark romances – it is about the story. The twists and turns folks overcome. Not about the looks, physical attraction, first kiss etc. (While I understand that is part of romance.) Never swooned over actors or musicians. Just not my cup of tea. LOL Love reading the author’s responses.
Trudy says
I totally agree with what you said. I do think the readers attitude is also at play, though, so if there’s something in their life making them read a book this way, they really need to find someone to talk to. I know for me, I know to stay away from books that have more “heat” though they are still “clean” in that they don’t go past the bedroom door, but getting to that door is treated differently. I have read sweet/clean, and every time I have, I feel there’s something missing, and that’s the faith element, so I try not to read much of them, either. I figured out long ago that there were books I didn’t need to read, just like I don’t go to movies because of the stuff in them, either, and don’t watch some things on TV for the same reason. Just because other Christians I know go to those movies, watch those things or read them doesn’t mean that I can, and just because I don’t doesn’t mean they shouldn’t. We’re all different, and God deals with each of us differently, too.
Elizabeth Maddrey says
I’m like that as a reader, myself. I don’t care so much about what people look like.
Nicole Santana says
Honestly, I feel like that author was revealing more about the things she struggles with personally than exposing the deviance of Christian and clean romance novels. I read Christian and clean romances because I love the relationship journey and because they are good escapes from our insane world. If Christian and clean authors took out the intimacy journey you’d have an unrealistic story. People fall in love. It happens. I like stories about Love. They take me out of my cynicism and black-pilled status. For me, they help me stay positive.
Elizabeth Maddrey says
This is so true! Some things work for people that don’t work for everyone – and like Paul said, “everything is permissible, but not everything is beneficial” — we have to listen to the Holy Spirit.
Elizabeth Maddrey says
I love this — I also feel like Christian romance helps me stay positive.
RuthieH says
This is really interesting, I had no idea there was criticism of Christian romance in this way. I agree with all you have said Elizabeth – I really can’t see how stories which demonstrate positive relationships – with friends, with family, with romantic partners and most importantly with God – can be in any way seen as encouraging sin.
Like most of the comments here, I read romance for the stories and the developments of character and relationships, I like seeing people falling in love, growing in their relationship and dealing with challenges and differences along the way. I’m reminded of how when people first started reading and writing fiction, early novels which we now think of as classics were criticised for being essentially a lot of lies which would encourage readers to forget how to tell the truth.
I think you’re so right that as Christians we need to be looking at everything in our life and really questioning whether it brings us closer to God, because ultimately that’s the most important thing. And I think CCR does that for so many readers, but maybe not for everyone, it’s no reason to try to cancel it though!
Elizabeth Maddrey says
Fiction still gets that dismissal in some circles. (And I guess it works – it is technically “lies”). But yeah.
Margaret Nelson says
Thanks so much for this great post! I agree with, and really like your comment “Anything we crave more than Christ is an idol in our lives that we need to deal with. ”
I have found a few authors I have to avoid, or be careful in reading their books.
I just finished reading the ARC of Katherine Reay’s new book coming out next year, The Berlin Letters. After I got done, I realized that the only kiss between the main couple is at nearly the end, and it’s on the cheek… yet love is shown by the guy’s actions all through the book, and those actions show I Corinthians 13 kind of love.
Lilly says
I have always thought that the desire for physical intimacy is not a sin, it is the natural consequence of loving someone, now I see lust more as a mere selfish sexual desire towards another person without any type of love involved, it is just the desire for his body and that is not love.
Now I don’t see how writing sexual scenes could not be meant to excite. It is simply human that intensely sexual scenes awaken sexual desires in readers and make them imagine the hero and heroine in an erotic scene and that is what most secular romances do. They do not only the erotic ones nowadays, although a secular romance is not classified as erotic, I assure you that it is, simply the erotic content is the rule and the emotional connection or the feeling where the characters do not spend their time admiring each other’s body exception. Julie Lessman shows her characters having an intense desire for each other or Amy Matayo, it may make some readers uncomfortable but they don’t seek to lead you to sin, secular writers simply don’t worry about things like sin because they don’t believe it is a sin to begin with.
It may be that Christian romance in general (at least truly Christian ones with authors guided by the Holy Spirit) generally combine agape love, philia, and eros well, but many “clean and sweet” romances actually just don’t have sex on the page. but the whole description of the protagonists’ bodies, how they admire each other, how they want to go to bed, how they have physical intimacy that seeks to take them directly to the bed instead of to the altar, so yes, sometimes a book that doesn’t have sex doesn’t It is enough to say that he defends Christian values. Unfortunately today we live in a society so sexualized that we have lost our innocence, so even a Christian book filled with only longing glances and a chaste kiss can lead a reader to have other thoughts not because the book itself invites them to do so or because reading about love is bad but because it is a personal matter for the reader.
Let’s stop covering up that many thrillers or murder books awaken our desire for morbidity or revenge and speaking ill of romantic books, let’s stop treating sexual desire and romantic desires as a problem, they are not bad or sinful, they just have to be properly channeled. and satisfied in their time and let each of us assume responsibility for our sinful heart.
Elizabeth Maddrey says
I definitely think we need to be aware of what we put in our minds regardless of what the label the air has added.
Elizabeth Maddrey says
This is a great comment!
And yes, so many genres can cause stumbling for the unwary mind. I think because we do, as you said, live in a highly sexualized society, that people latch on to sex when talking about problems, but there is so much more that we need to be aware of.
I also agree that secular romance (erotic or not) is not concerned with the Godly use of sex. It is absolutely focusing on physical intimacy – either with the goal of turning the reader on or just to show what the world considers “normal”
I don’t think Christian authors write with that intent.
Megan says
I totally agree with this! I think lust is a natural feeling for humans and learning to control it is something we all must be taught, hopefully when we’re still young. I enjoy Christian fiction because it acknowledges those feelings but also shows how those feelings need to be brought into submission to Christ first. Ignoring it does a disservice to those who are experiencing it and wondering how to deal with it in a Christ honoring way.
Elizabeth Maddrey says
Yes!
Debra Pruss says
I agree with you. If you let your mind wander further than what is on the page, it is the person who goes too far. It is not the writer. Thank you for sharing. God bless you.
Margaret Bunce says
I’m at the end of a long line of posts, so, Inspy authors, jut keep doing what you’re doing!!
Ausjenny says
It reminds me of the posts that say Christian romance is bad cos it gives women the wrong idea of love and blame it for women having unrealistic expectations. Like this saying it causes women to lust (especially in Christan and Sweet cos there is no open door sex scenes) doesn’t make sense. It hasn’t made me lust over a character. There have been some I would like to meet in real life as they have traits I would like to see in a potential partner but I don’t fantasize over them.
I have read a few more edgy Christian fiction that I know some would struggle with but they were still very clean. (The books that make me squirm are the ones that include a sexual assault and leave little to the imagination after one historical author had a second book with this I haven’t read anymore of her).
PS I too am not into book boyfriends. I get so tired of people who want a Mr Darcy as their partner (but then its not Christian and from what I have seen hes not that great a hero)
Marina Costa says
I think as long as it is a clean romance, not steamy, everything is ok. A writer should be a writer till the end. “And they kissed” is not quite the thing to see in a romance novel, or in a book by a developed, published writer.
In a middle grade book, a kiss on the cheek can be described just so. In a romance novel, even a clean one, “their lips met in a fiery kiss” might sound more suitable (or any other variant to this). It could even add one more phrase about how that first kiss (or the “kiss the bride” part) made the POV character feel… And I am not referring to lust, but emotions. We are human, and humans have emotions, feelings…
Elizabeth Maddrey says
Thank you!
Elizabeth Maddrey says
:)
I am biased but I do think the authors here all do this perfectly.
Elizabeth Maddrey says
Oh yikes. I definitely don’t need the details of SA on the pages.
Elizabeth Maddrey says
Emotions are so important! And yes they need to be shown. ❤️
Lilly says
Personally, I do not understand what is unrealistic about wanting a kind, respectful, faithful and loving man as a husband and not settling for less. The people I have heard say that are usually those who have never read a romantic novel and believe that they are the equivalent of a Disney fairy tale with perfect princes or generally unloving and respectful men who do not want women to ask for more.
A supposedly Christian boy interested in me told me that if I continued reading romance novels no man would be enough since he was giving me unrealistic expectations. Surprise! He had serious struggles with fidelity (he was interested in more than one girl at a time and had a hard time committing) and apparently it bothered him that as a woman one expected more from a man.
Emily Dana Botrous says
I saw a post on this topic, too. Possibly the same one. It didn’t strike me quite right! The author of the post was adamant that lust is wholly different from love, and that any feelings of sexual desire expressed by characters must be equated to lust. But the Bible makes it clear that desire is something God designed! That’s why I am actually always conscious to mention when my couples sense desire, but only to showcase that they make a choice to wait, to be pure and respectful of the one they love until they can act on that desire in a holy way, aka after marriage. Desire is not something to be ashamed of, but it does need to have firm boundaries. And I think CCR is a wonderful, gentle teaching platform!
Some commenters on that post also were blasting authors who have fade-to-black scenes between married couples, as if this were somehow sinful. Unless we feel ashamed about married couple engaging in intimacy, why would knowing that fictional characters do the same cause discomfort? For me as a reader, a fade-to-black or the hint thereof between a married couple gives me warm fuzzies. As an author, I always pray and ask God to help me know where the line is in any intimate scene, be in just a kiss or more, and never give too much detail but to give exactly what the story needs.
I also think as authors, we need to be careful not to cast judgment on A) other authors and B) our readers! Based on Bookbub, etc, I can see that sometimes I have readers who also read steamy/spicy reads. While I have convictions otherwise, I am not going to condemn someone who doesn’t. It could drive them away from clean and Christian books entirely if they read a post like that. And it alienates authors who have different convictions or writing goals, giving off a vibe of superiority. As Christians, we can do better than cast stones!
Okay, rant over. You unleashed me…
Elizabeth Maddrey says
Oooh. All of this. I should have had you write the post :)
I will say I read mainstream fiction that often has sex on the page – I’ve gotten good at skipping ahead a little so I don’t have to read the descriptions but can still enjoy the story. BUT I also believe that not everyone can or should risk it. Because I have quit some authors whose books, even with skipping, had a negative impact on my thought life.
But in CF? I also love seeing married couples still enjoying one another in all the ways that God intended.
Marylin Furumasu says
Jaycee,
I totally agree with your comment.
“It isn’t the object that caused the sin, it was the heart of the sinner (which we all are!). We are prone to wander, but to overcome we must place the blame where it belongs—on our own hearts.”
Judith McNees says
Wow. I was on vacation and then recovering from my vacation, so I missed that original post, but yikes.
I’ve endeavored to write my CCR in such a way that ALL kinds of sinners can see themselves in my stories. My most recent release has a hero who is a recovering alcoholic and sex addict, and I think that I was able to write the story in a way that encourages healthy love, marriage, and sexual relationships while still being honest about the fact that we live in a fallen world and that people mess up. As a writer, my mandate from the Lord has been to relentlessly pursue His lost sheep. Showing people through my stories that no one is too far gone to receive His grace is something that I’ll stand behind until the Holy Spirit convicts me otherwise.
Thanks for your graceful thoughts on this subject.