Flowers, candy, candles—all signs of a thriving romance, right?
But flowers die and candy gives me a belly ache.
So what’s a woman to do when the man she pledged her heart to feels distant?
Stomp her feet and cry out to God, asking Him to intervene, that’s what! You may be familiar with the verse:
“For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways,” declares the LORD. (Isaiah 55:8 NIV)
The longer I’ve been doing this Christianity thing, the more I realize how true those words are.
My ways focus on temporary comfort and pleasure. God longs for something immensely deeper and more lasting: wholeness, oneness, an intimacy that takes two different, sinful, selfish creatures and makes them one.
Isn’t that what we desire as well? Not just that first, tummy-fluttering date or that kiss at the wedding altar, but a love that penetrates to our core and remains vibrant long after we’ve turned old and gray?
How do we find that kind of love?
One morning, about fourteen years ago, my spouse and I slipped into a pit of marital tension and isolation. As I dutifully mopped the floor, I rehashed the lonely night before. My radio played in the background, but I barely listened. Until one speaker came on who spoke of a love so deep, it stirred a yearning within.
The man spoke about his wife, of her gentle nature, of her patience and love, of her godliness. His affection and 
admiration for “his bride” of over four decades was so evident, it brought tears to my eyes. I wondered, would my husband speak of me like that, or would his words be laced with anger and regret?
Oh, how I wanted to be that kind of woman! As I listened to this man of God describe this woman that had completely captivated him and kept him captivated decades later, I began to see how far I fell short.
I realized I, not my husband, was the greatest barrier to lasting intimacy.
If I wanted our marriage to change, that change had to begin with me. That morning I confessed all the ugliness in my heart, all the times I’d chosen selfishness over love and complaints over affection and gratitude. Then, I asked God, my Creator and Redeemer, to change my heart.
To help me see the best, not the worst, in my husband.
To find ways to serve him rather than reasons why he should serve me.
To speak words of encouragement, support, and affection rather than judgment and condemnation.
Funny thing, my husband reciprocated, and in 2002, he pledged his life to Christ. Soon after, we renewed our vows, promising to love one another as Christ loves His church. It hasn’t been easy, nor have we loved perfectly, but we’re learning. Growing. And still loving, 18 years later.
This Valentine’s Day, how can you encourage emotional intimacy in your marriage? What’s one thing you can do, each day, to show your spouse unconditional, sacrificial, initiating love?
Will you, starting today?
To love sacrificially, we’ll have to let go of a few things like pride and selfishness, but what we gain, a deep, lasting, and growing love, will make every humble apology and act of service well worth it.
Jennifer Slattery is a missional romance novelist with New Hope Publishers. She writes and edits for Christ to the World Ministries, is a regular contributor to Crosswalk.com, Internet Cafe Devotions, Faith-filled Friends, and Jewels of Encouragement, and manages the social media for Takin’ it to the Streets, a ministry that serves Omaha’s working poor and homeless. She’s placed in numerous writing contests and her work has appeared in numerous compilations, magazines, and e-zines.
John wakes up most mornings, with headaches. (no, I’m not the headache, nor am I giving them. LOL) John has always been prone to migraines. His mom also get them. Before he had bariatric surgery, he could take anything…whatever worked for the headache. Now, what he can take is very limited, and of course, what has worked BEST for years, is NOT one of those items. So, every morning, almost, I end up massaging the back of John’s neck, right along that center neck muscle, to get it to relax, so John’s headache will lessen enough for meds he can take to work. When I’m wide awake, it’s not big deal, but when I’m half asleep, yep, it’s a sacrifice. However, when I get headaches, John does the same for me. We are pretty good about waiting on each other.
My main advice to couples is to not keep score of who did what, when, or how many times. That simply breeds arguments. Satan hates Christians, and especially Christian marriages, so we have to keep one eye open to his attacks, and watch our backs.
Silly me! I forgot to say how much I liked this post. Thanks, Jennifer, for sharing. It’s tough to share our flaws with each other, past or present. Bravo, and very well said.
Wow, Brightflute, what a beautiful and wise response! What a tender, sacrificial heart you have! I have a chronic illness, and honestly, there are so many times I feel like I’ll never be able to reciprocate all my husband’s done and does do for me. And I doubt I ever will, but I hope my words of love, emails, and texts give back a little and show my appreciation. Chronic illness and pain tax loves ones as much as those they love, perhaps more, and that is when true love is most revealed.
What a gift your hubby has in you! :)
Thanks. We both feel we married our best friend. I also suffer from chronic allergies, so when I get a migraine, I also can’t breathe, which makes me pretty cranky. Like I said, earlier, John and I take care of each other, without keeping score. John once told someone that if we ever started keeping score, we would realize both of us are severely falling apart. He’s right. LOL
I love that! And sorry you deal with chronic migraines. No fun!
I love this post ! I try to make coffee, clean up the kitchen ect. I can’t stand at the sink long and Mark ususally does the dishes for me. I try to do my part of cleaning but that isn’t always easy. I asked him what one thing I could do and his response was , I don’t know… DH suffers from mental illness stemming from a brain trauma while in the service. Somedays are really hard for him and for myself. Just doing what we can is a mutual thing here in our home.
Linda
faithfulacresbooks@gmail.com
Lovely post, Jennifer! (And lovely responses, too!) :)
Faithful Acres Books, what a beautiful picture of selfless, sweet love! God’s blessings to you both!
Thanks, Cathy!
Hi Jennifer, Thanks for sharing your thoughts with us. It’s so true, we can easily get caught up in thinking about what our spouse should be doing for us instead of how we can do things for our spouse. A servant heart helps make a lasting marriage :)
Thanks, Narelle. :) And yes, it does!