A year or so ago, I was standing in the foyer of our church. I’m sure I was in the middle of doing something or going somewhere, but the exact memory escapes me. What I do recall from that moment – in fact, the only reason I remember it – is seeing our pastor and his wife cross paths. They were heading in opposite directions, and they high-fived as they passed one another. (Not the adrenaline-pumped high five you think of in relation to sports. It was a touch more graceful than that.)
That’s only part of the story, though. From my vantage point, I saw the pastor’s face as he noticed his wife coming toward him.
His face lit up.
There’s something special about that, isn’t there?
As it happens, the pastor and his family were relatively new to our church at that time, and I was still getting to know them. That particular encounter was the first real insight I had into their marriage, which is likely why it’s remained such a vivid memory.
When I think about the kind of men and women that I write in my stories, I think about things like the look on my pastor’s face as he noticed his wife — and about their high five. I think about the different ways that people show love and communicate with one another.
Relationships are complex and beautiful. At the heart of every enduring love story is the tale of two people and how they have made their lives fit together.
Someone once asked me why I chose romance when I decided to write my first book. Honestly, my reasons for first writing romance are a little bit foolish with a healthy dash of naivety thrown in for good measure.
As I went on to write my second and third books, though, why did I stick with romance? That’s the real question.
I stayed with romance because I discovered how much I love to explore the relationship dynamics of different people. I enjoy watching people interact in real life, and I thrive when I get to explore those same relational interactions with pen and paper.
What about you? Do you have any unique ways that you communicate with your significant other? Are there any wordless ways that you show one another love?
Heather Gray loves coffee, God, her family, and laughter – not necessarily in that order! She writes approachable characters who, through the highs and lows of life, find a way to love God, embrace each day, and laugh out loud right along with her. And, yeah, her books almost always have someone who's a coffee addict. Some things just can't be helped. Despite their different lives and situations, Heather’s characters have something in common. They're all flawed...but loved anyway.
Having majored in Psychology in college, human behavior has always amazed me, Heather. I love to people watch. As for non-verbal ways to communicate love, we have a three time hand squeeze…I love you.
That is lovely:) Wordless ways hubby and I communicate- we touch pinkies. It is our way of saying hi, I’m here for you, you can do it, I love you etc.
Jill, had to reply- my boys do this when we hold hands (they are 6 and 8) and as we are walking we do the three hand squeeze. Love it:)
We’re a three hand squeeze family too :)
Am not married my marriage lasted all of 6 months, what you get for getting married at 18 I suppose. So I don’t have that but with mt best friend even when I try to hide it she always knows when I am upset or in pain. So I guess that is the closest I have to that.
We smile and pat on the back or hold hands. I also have a sign that is time to go. My husband doesn’t always realize how late it is getting.
Love this post! My pastor and his wife, and several other couples in our church, have this silent communication. It is a lot of fun to watch. You can just tell they love each other. On another note, this just happened to me this past weekend. A lady in church, I’ve spoken to her a few times, know her name, but she could tell I didn’t feel well. And then prayed for me. It so touched me. God called us to love, whether our spouse, our family, our church, our community. And I think a key to that is paying attention to the ones around us. I’ve only had a handful of people who can tell when I have a headache and I appreciate those people noticing. Thanks for this post to make me think and act!
What a wonderful memory and I’m thankful that you do what you do.
My husband and I have been married for over 37 years. We always hold hands when we walk together. This is second nature to us, but, people still comment on how nice it is to see a couple holding hands. :-)
We have so many little ways we communicate, but one of my favorites is when my hubby presses his thumb to my thumb. He’s saying, “I really want to kiss you right now if we were in a place that I could.”
I have a cute story about this. I was meeting with a newlywed couple. I noticed they sat next to each other but they weren’t touching. Until I looked down. She had her foot on his and they were communicating wordlessly. It was sweet and touching. My husband cannot walk past me without hugging me, even in church. He is a very sweet man who loves me.
Love the hand squeeze! My son and I have a super low-key fist bump whenever he’s done well at something. He gets embarrassed if I get too exuberant…so I had to dial it back. ^_^
A pinkie touch – how unique! It makes me think of the cover to Valerie Comer’s book Pinky Promise. :)
Nonverbal communication happens in all kinds of relationships, not just romance. So friendship certainly counts! :) Having people in your life who can *read* you is important – we all need to have someone care like that. Hugs!
I inadvertently developed a nonverbal way to tell my husband he’s talked about work enough. He says my eyes glaze over. ^_^ Totally not the same thing as letting your husband know it’s time to go, but that’s what it reminded me of. :)
Having someone pray for us in our moment of need is one of the most intimate acts of love I can think of. It goes beyond that romantic love into all the other kinds of love that are out there – familial, friendship, brothers and sisters in Christ, etc. We had a big event at church this pats weekend, and I said to one of the gentleman that I didn’t want him to get stressed out about things, and he smiled and said, “I felt that way when I woke up, but then my wife prayed for me. I’m good now.” Prayer speaks to us on so many levels, only one of which is communicating another person’s love for us – that they would care so much about us that they would go before the Father on our behalf… Thank you for sharing!!
Thank you for stopping by today Julianne – I’m so thankful you could spend part of your day with us here!
Holding hands is one of those things that speaks to romance like nothing else can. It’s one thing when you see a young 20-something couple holding hands, but when you see a couple that’s put a few years between them and their “I do” day, the hand-holding takes on a whole new meaning. It demonstrates love and commitment that goes far beyond the sticking-together-through-hard-times and all the way into still-in-love-through-hard-times. Your hand-holding is a beautiful testimony of your relationship. Hugs!
I love that! What a special, precious way to communicate love and affection. Thank you for sharing! (And then the obvious question is, what do you do to show him that you’d like to kiss him if you could?) ;)
You’re right – that’s a cute story! I love hearing about the little (and big) ways that people connect with each other. Thank you for sharing today!!
My husband and I have been married over 35 years and most of the time we can complete each other’s sentences. Sometimes one of us can be saying something out loud right after the other has thought it.
Hearing about your pastor reminded me of ours. He is in his fifties and his wife has MS. She can only move her head and talk with slow concentration. Although he does have help, he does most of her personal care. Hair, makeup, bathing, and dressing. She’s at church nearly every Sunday, right up front in her specialized wheelchair.
My brother is 57 and a year and a half ago he had a back surgery that permanently paralyzed him from the waist down. His wife is a tiny woman but she takes total care of him when she is not working.
These two examples to me are true love in its finest form.
Thank you for sharing Gail – those are all wonderful stories of committed love. Sometimes these days we get confused about love and what it looks like. We think of the fireworks and thunderclaps of emotion, but we forget the steady commitment that sees us through the downpours and the raging fires. Your sister-in-law and your pastor certainly do sound like wonderful examples of that kind of love. And I adore that you and your husband can complete each other’s sentences! Some days I can barely complete my own sentences because I get distracted so easily…my husband and I need to develop this skill so he can just talk for me! :)
Heather, thanks for sharing that memory. I’ve seen the look between couples and have often used it as my single characters wish for someone to look at them that way.
My husband isn’t much of a talker (that feels like an understatement) so I spend a lot of time analyzing his body language and facial expressions. That man says a lot without using words, especially with his eyes and eyebrows. He pulls out that delighted smile that makes his eyes twinkle, and I have no idea what I look like but it makes me feel victorious (and sometimes mischievous, lol)!
I love this story about your pastor and his wife. My husband and I often communicate without words, through eye contact across a crowded room or holding hands when we’re close (and squeezing for support every now and then), even if we don’t look at each other directly. We touch a lot when we’re next to each other (holding hands or placing a hand on one another’s knee while sitting, and he likes to place his hands around my shoulders when we’re sitting too). We even do that during worship, which generated some comments from older couples who thought it was weird at first, but then came to tell us how much they admire our relationship… (I think they were jealous, but who am I to say so… )
Oh! What a brilliant idea! When you talk about that look, everyone knows exactly what you mean. In one sentence (or less), your reader can be captured and pulled into the scene and know exactly what’s going on in the mind of the observer. I might have to *borrow* that for one of my own books. ;)
Haha! You made me chuckle. Sometimes I’ll catch my husband staring at me, and I’ll ask him what he wants. He tells me he’s just trying to figure out what I’m thinking since I never talk… Apparently I use all my words in writing and don’t have any left for verbal communication at the end of the day. ^_^ Sometimes he’ll ask me if I’m mad (while I’m at the computer, no less), and I’ll be like, “No, what makes you think that?” He’ll tell me I was scowling or something, and I’ll have to explain that Character X’s mother just said something ugly to Character Y – or something like that. so apparently my facial expressions aren’t limited to just what I’m feeling. They encompass an entire imaginary world, too. Which means my husband REALLY has his work cut out for him! ^_^ BTW – I love the way you describe your husband’s smile. It makes me think you must go out of your way to see it, something I consider a noble pursuit in any marriage.
I watch different couples in church sometimes, and I see the ones who sit completely separate (not in an angry way, just not in a touchy-feely way), and then I see the ones who sit, his arm around her (or some variation) during the sermon. Sometimes – if you’ve been at the same church long enough – you can tell when a couple has had a disagreement just by the way they sit together. And, of course, because I’ve noticed those things, I then wonder what people notice about me when they see me sitting in church. ;) In any event, not all of us have grown up in an environment that encourages those public displays of affection. Speaking as one such person, when I first started noticing people being affectionate in church (as an adult, mind you, because I was pretty oblivious as a kid), it made me uncomfortable. Over time, though, I came to appreciate those openly affectionate couples for modeling what a healthy relationship looks like. Not that couples who don’t show affection openly are unhealthy – because I’m sure many of them have rock-solid marriages. It was just good for me to see that example of couples openly loving and affectionate toward one another. My marriage is better for having had that example, so I applaud you and your husband. You never know who’s watching or what kind of background they’ve come from…or who’s lives you’re touching simply by loving one another.
Hehehe, maybe you should post a disclaimer on your computer for your hubby ;)
My husband and I were high school classmates and we were each voted Best Smile. I like to think mine was for frequency and his was for brilliance :D Maybe it’s just me but my man can light up a room!
I love people watching! I love seeing how couples interact with each other and all the ways they communicate without using any words. A touch, hand-holding, a smile, the eyes light up, a whispered word in the ear or any number of things :-) And I love reading it on romance books as well….show me NOT tell me how they romance each other!
The same thing in my own marriage, I think the non-verbal communication speaks louder than words do! Like my husband says, he can TELL me he loves me but he needs to SHOW me to back up his words! Like your pastor and his wife, I can see my husbands eyes light up when he spots me and I hope mine reflect the same message to him. Those little touches throughout the day or the smiles or laughs…again, any number of non-verbal communication is so vital to keep the spark of love going.
Wonderful post! I see so many of our couples in church who know how to SHOW their spouses love, it’s so fun to watch :-)
Amen Trixie! While I do know that for some people, hearing the words is vitally important, those words become hollow after a while when they’re not backed up with action. The words are good, but people play fast and loose with words all the time. Live it out. Live that love in the everyday moments, and the love will be apparent. :)