Have you ever been blindsided by someone’s reaction to something? And you’re left trying to figure out why you didn’t read the situation the same way?
This happened to me with my book The Loophole in Lilies. Kendra, the heroine, was probably the character most unlike me I ever made, and I ended up just loving her! My alpha reader said she was her favorite female main character I had created, and I was so excited to launch Kendra into the book world.
Then a beta reader had strong feelings about Kendra. She kept making notes, asking “Why is she so pushy?” in various places, and I was left scratching my head. She’s pushy?
I decided to publish as-was. Then the reviews came. I noticed that people either loved Kendra—or disliked her perceived pushiness.
After some reflection and conversation, I came to the conclusion that people who have been negatively affected by a pushy person were likely triggered by Kendra’s over-eagerness to interfere in the lives of others, albeit with the best of intentions. Then there are people like me, who have no problem putting a foot down and kindly saying “no” that really don’t have a problem with pushy people.
So, I thought it would be fun to get Kendra’s point of view. And of course, we can’t do that without letting Dusty, her now-husband, have a say. Don’t worry, he’s short on words most of the time.
A Q&A with Dusty and Kendra from The Loophole in Lilies
Me: Hi Kendra and Dusty! Thanks for taking the time to catch up with me today. Kendra, some readers have been unhappy by what they perceive as your pushiness, especially regarding your unwanted matchmaking. What do you have to say in your defense?
Kendra: I’m offended, truly. I am passionate. Not pushy. There is a big difference. Besides, I’ve changed my ways, but for the longest time I ascribed to the philosophy that just as those who can’t do, teach, those who can’t wed—match! And it worked for me, I swear it did—until Dusty. But Dusty, tell her. I wasn’t pushy, even with you.
Dusty [long silence ensues…]. Let’s call it persistent. Although my closet might disagree.
Kendra: Oh please. That tie I picked out was it.
Me: Alright, alright. Next question. Do you have any regrets from your matchmaking meddling?
Kendra: It wasn’t meddling, it was guiding souls together. And no, I don’t.
Me: Not even the ill-fated matches you tried to make for Dusty?
Kendra: They led him to me, didn’t they?
Me: True…
Dusty: You did try to set up your best friend with the new pastor in town. That didn’t go well.
Kendra: Didn’t start well. It ended spectacularly well, thank you very much.
Me: I sense a story there.
Kendra: Indeed. They have their own book, so I won’t steal their thunder today. Let’s just say, when I married Dusty, it was a double wedding.
Me: And you take credit?
Kendra [pausing to think]: Nope. That was God. All God. He did the watering, the fertilizing, the pruning. But if I hadn’t planted the seed in the first place, who’s to say?
Dusty [in a low tone]: She’s totally taking credit.
Me: I’ll let it pass. So, Kendra. I’d love to hear how you won Dusty over. You had feelings for him first, right?
Kendra: That’s up for debate. However, I trusted my instincts. The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.
Dusty: She makes a mean latte.
Kendra [looking smug]: Among many other things.
Me: I’d like to know your favorite memory from early in your relationship.
Kendra: For me, it’s the night Dusty came over to my apartment with his Legos, and I told him my deep, dark secrets and fears.
Me: Why then? You guys weren’t even remotely an item yet.
Kendra: Because that’s the night he made this woman who had always felt broken…feel whole.
Me [fighting tears]: That’s beautiful. Dusty?
Dusty: Hands down, kissing Kendra in the church parking lot.
Kendra: Dusty! That’s kind of shallow, isn’t it? I mean it was wonderful and all, but—
Dusty: But it was the first moment I rendered you speechless. And I still do, every time I—
Me: Ahem. Let’s keep things kosher around here, people. Especially with the next question. How is married life?
Kendra [with an aura of tranquility]: It’s a gift. I learned that I am whole because of God, not a man. But it sure is a beautiful thing to have a man adore me, imperfect as I am.
Dusty: That’s because you’re perfect for me.
Me: Awww. Guys, stop! I’m not sure I can handle the sweetness.
Dusty [shrugging]: It’s true. Kendra keeps me on my toes, brings out the best in me, and keeps my stomach well-fed. God knows a good match when He sees one.
Me: Well said. I think our time here is about over, but before we go, Kendra, do you have any final words for anyone who still thinks you’re pushy?
Kendra: First of all, any perceived pushiness in me comes from the best of intentions toward others. I have a big, helping heart, and I ‘m persistent about sharing it. Second, if you feel pushed by someone, just be firm. Dusty wasn’t firm. And look what happened. He ended up married to me.
Me [choking back a laugh]: Dusty? Any final words?
Dusty: Nope, I’m good. I’ve learned that with Kendra, I’m always good.
There you have it. So, tell me: How do YOU handle pushy people? Do they cause you a lot of stress, or do you feel adept at politely putting your foot down? Comment below to be entered to win one of ten amazing book bundles offered in Inspy Romance’s Birthday Bash, which ENDS TODAY! You just might win Kendra and Dusty’s imperfect love story, or if you can’t wait, The Loophole in Lilies is also available on Amazon.
Emily Dana Botrous is an east-coast transplant who now calls San Diego home. She is a wife and mom of four. When she’s not busy doing laundry, packing lunches, and picking toys off the floor, she enjoys reading, cooking, music, long walks, and writing. Always writing. It is her goal in all things to make Jesus first, last, and always.
I struggle with pushy people. I tend to take things personally. Also being single I have had my dealings with those who cant handle people being single and will try to match make (often not telling you they are doing it like an invite to dinner only to find the single brother there they are trying to set you up with). So I tend to try to avoid the pushy matchmakers.
In a book its not always as bad hopefully she has toned it down by the end.
I can handle them better than the person who doesn’t let you get a word in edge ways or let you finish a sentence. These people do my head in. especially when you get about 5 phone calls asking what was decided try to tell them and they are more interested in talking than listening to the answer.
Its been nice getting to know you this past year. I hope to see you around on SM
In the past I didn’t handle pushy people very well but with age and experience they don’t bother me. I am not afraid to stand my ground or say no if needed.
I have no problem with being firm but it really bothers me when someone doesn’t understand a “no” even if you are being firm. Although it also bothers me the indecisive and unfirm people who say “no” but in reality it turns out to be a “maybe” or “I’m not really sure” those types of people who end up giving in and don’t reject anyone seriously then make agresive people believe that they can convince you too.
Matchmakers don’t bother me as long as they take into account your preferences and not just what they want. It’s really annoying when they insist on matching you with someone you’re not attracted to at all and even when you say so they keep insisting, I’ll stay away from those people permanently.
I have problems with pushy people in the workplace. Especially if we have differing approaches. But in a social setting I let them take over and I just go along because there’s nothing really at stake.
Cute interview with your characters!
be firm
I don’t really have a problem with pushy people. It doesn’t bother me to tell someone no. I’m not trying to sound mean, but I’m not going to go along with someone if it isn’t something that I want.
I think to me pushy people are a small nuisance. Something I can get past and live with. I think I had my moments of being pushy too…
Ahhhahahaha! I love that interview with those two characters!! I want to read the whole story and get everyone’s stories!
I love that interview! And I’ve waxed forth with many words about my feelings about Kendra’s persistence. ;-)
I struggle with pushy people for three main reasons. First of all, it takes time for me to make up my mind, and a pushy person might bulldoze me into doing something before I’ve had a chance to think through whether or not I should do it. And before people say, “Tell them you need time,” I don’t always immediately know I need to think a thing through.
The second reason is I’m not a fan of confrontation, so putting my foot down with a pushy person makes me feel stressed out and anxious about the repercussions to our relationship. And irritated that they kept insisting and created the situation in which I have to put my foot down.
The final reason is, if it turns out it was a mistake to go along with what the pushy person wanted, I then have to cope with anger and resentment over being pushed into the thing.
So… yeah. I avoid pushy people. :-D
My definition of a pushy (and persistent) person is one that doesn’t take no for an answer.
So yes you do need to be very firm with them. I just read Her Best Match and man, Mr Gherring and Ms Best are very good examples of this!!
That said, I’m not adept at handling pushy people, and they do cause me stress. But I don’t think I’d feel stressed reading about one? Especially if there are plenty of examples of other characters who respond in such a way that I can learn from and become a little more comfortable handling those who need firm NO’s. Boundaries are something a lot of people struggle with.
Good morning, I enjoyed reading the interview! Pushy people dont bother me, because in the end I do what is right or what I want to do, so why even argue with them . Have a great day and a great rest of the week.
You got me thinking – where is the line between being pushy and passionate lol?
I’ve been told by several people that I am a direct person and even blunt sometimes…pushy, I don’t think so.
How do YOU handle pushy people? I guess it depends on situation…I can get very passionate too :)
I don’t really have a problem with pushy people, as my tendency is to push back! I have no problem telling someone no or to back off.
I have no problem politely putting my foot down and being firm with pushy people.
It depends on the situation, but I can usually kind but firm when it comes to pushy people.
Hmmm. Tricky questions. I think it depends on whether they are friends, acquaintances, or salesmen, lol. The latter is much easier to deal with, but thanks for the tip. ;)
Great interview! I think I’ll be bumping this book/series up on my TBR. :)
I love interview posts, they’re so fun!
I think you’re absolutely right that the same behaviour can be seen and interpreted differently by different people.
So generally I don’t mind ‘pushy’ people if they are genuinely passionate and wanting the best for people, and just feel that everyone’s life would work a little better if only they were in charge – my mom is like this, so I’m used to it, and I find that this sort of pushy will accept a genuine firm no if you’re really not happy with things – I imagine Kendra to be a bit like this too!
However, you do get pushy people who just want what they want and keep on and on till they get it – these are harder to deal with and can be quite annoying.
I used to be more timid and now I’m not afraid to be firm and and stand my ground.
I am can be pretty stubborn myself so I am usually able to put my foot down and tell them as it is. But it also depends on the person.
Pushy people do not bother me, depending on the intensity of their pushiness.
I enjoyed the interview. I actually have their book, just have not read it yet. I’m glad life is smoothing out for you and you are getting back to writing again. I will see you in your newsletters. ❤
In the past, I have had issues with standing up for myself. I am working on being polite by taking my stand. Thank you so much for sharing. God bless you.
It depends on the situation. One time in the pharmacy a man kept coming closer to me and I would move and them he would also so he kept going that abs pharmacist noticed I was uncomfortable so they told the man he has to move back I still was nervous after that so u went out different door just in case he tried to follow me. I’m kinda shy
It’s been so nice getting to know you this year too, Jenny! And totally agree, a matchmaker who doesn’t give notice would be highly stressful! Being set up is NOT fun.
Hi Lori, good for you! Aging does help in that department, I have found!
Hi Lilly, totally agree! Even the Bible says to let your “no be no and your yes be yes.” It’s equally a bother when someone won’t take no as when someone won’t keep their no!
Hi Laurie, glad you enjoyed the little interview! I had fun writing it. And yes, workplace pushiness is more stressful than in a social setting for sure.
Definitely! Thanks for joining today.
Hi Bonnie, exactly! And I’ve found that pushy people don’t usually get offended so easily.
Hi Marina, thank you for your honesty! I thought momentarily when I was posting this, am I going to step on someone’s toes? I think self-awareness is key, and if we know our tendencies, we can overcome them! And there are situations where a person willing to push is really necessary. It’s all about balance.
Yay! I’m so glad you enjoyed it! These characters were SO fun to create in the book, and I loved bringing them back to life for a few minutes.
Hi Milla, yes, you were the aforementioned beta reader. ;) I know where you stand. Haha! And all of your reasons for disliking pushy people sound perfectly valid to me. Conflict is never fun, that’s sure. I don’t avoid it, but I definitely don’t enjoy it!
Hi Wenonah, yes, if someone can’t take no for an answer, that does get stressful, even for me! Boundaries are a huge issue, I think, and it’s hard to know exactly where to set them.
Hi Alicia, so glad you enjoyed the interview. And I like that attitude! Why even bother with someone who is being pushy?
Good for you, Trudy! That definitely makes life easier.
I hear you, Natalya! I consider myself a passionate person, too, with strong opinions. I can be blunt and direct, too. One way I handle it is by adding humor to my opinions, especially at work. I could probably tone myself down some at home, though!
Hi Joannie, that’s good! It really helps reduce stress in life when you are comfortable doing that.
Hi Elizabeth, well that’s good! It’s a useful personality trait for sure.
Hi Priscila, good point! It does certainly depend on who’s being pushy. I have no problem with the salesmen kind. The family kind requires more patience and careful word choice.
I hope you enjoy The Loophole in Lilies whenever you get to it! Despite her reputation, Kendra is still a favorite of mine. ;)
Hi Ruthie, thank you for this insightful comment! I have some pushy people in my immediate circle, so I might, like you, be kind of used to it and only bothered when it is someone who won’t take no or whose reason for pushiness isn’t very altruistic.
Glad you enjoyed the interview!
Hi Diana, that’s good! I was quite timid when I was younger, but I too learned to stand up for myself. It’s a good skill to have!
Hi Angeline, oh yes, it does depend on the person doing the pushing! That can make a big difference.
Hi Bonnie, I’m glad you enjoyed the interview! I have actually been sick for almost two weeks now, and that brought my writing to a halt. But hopefully I can pick it up again soon and get back into a newsletter routine.
Hi Debra, I like how you said that, “being polite by taking my stand.” It’s certainly important to still be Christ-like even when we have to put our foot down. Thanks for the reminder!
Hi Kendra, wow, that situation would make me uncomfortable, too! I have asked someone in line to give me space before, but it took a lot of courage for me to speak up. I’m glad the pharmacist noticed and came to your rescue! I’m shy, too, which is in an odd contrast with my determined personality. I like to say I have no problem standing up for myself–but I am shaking with terror the whole time!
Growing up I had a really difficult time handling pushy people. With time, age and experience I have become better at it, but pushy people still make me feel uncomfortable.
I don’t usually handle pushy people very well but I wouldn’t mind reading about someone who is pushy.
It’s easier for me now to set boundaries and those people that continually don’t respect boundaries don’t end up staying in my life. Life is too short to be hassled by people who are more interested in minding my business than their own.
I can see where people can be triggered by a character like Kendra bcz I’ve had a lot of abuse in my life from pushy people. It can leave a mark on you for a long time, even if that person or persons aren’t around anymore. I’ve been going through counseling to learn to take back a better e so that I can learn how to deal better in those situations.
Hi Cherie, you are not the first person to comment this sentiment! I’ve definitely become better at handling pushy people with age and experience, too.
Hi Jessica, well that is good to know! Pushy people definitely don’t make life enjoyable, even for those of us who feel okay dealing with them.
Hi Dianne, this is so true and a good point. Boundaries are so very important!!
Hi Cindi, I am so sorry to hear that you’ve been so wounded by people. I’m glad you are addressing it so that it will not affect you further. Know that God holds your heart in His hands!