Seventeen years ago, my husband and I met on an internet dating service. It was founded by a Christian clinical psychologist, and it took the issue of compatibility very seriously. That’s why I chose it over other more casual dating services.
Before my husband and I were paired with anyone, we went through over 500 questions that covered a massive amount of ground, exploring our personality traits while also helping us think about the things that matter most to us.
One of the sections in the many questionnaires focused on “dealbreakers”: the red lines you are not willing to cross in your search for a potential marriage partner. For me, there were obvious ones, such as the person had to be a committed Christian. I also didn’t want a smoker or user of recreational drugs.
It makes sense for the dating service to ask clients about dealbreakers early on. There’s much less potential for heartbreak and wasted time if these dealbreaking people are filtered out of your personal online dating pool before any attraction has a chance to develop.
Christians, in general, tend to have baseline dealbreakers: things that are common to most of us. Like, most Christians who are serious about their faith will not date somebody who is married to someone else. Most Christians would also not date a person who is an active, unrepentant criminal.
As a writer of Christian romance, my lead characters don’t include ax murderers or cheating spouses looking for an adulterous hookup. I like to think about good reasons why two single, available, perfectly nice people, cannot be together even though they’ve started to fall in love.
That’s because dealbreakers between two good, likeable people, can form the kernel of highly entertaining love stories.
Could it be that one of them wants to live in one part of the country while the other has strong roots somewhere else, and neither of them can move? Maybe one of them has lots of pets, while the other doesn’t like animals. Or perhaps one of them has made a career choice that the other one can’t live with. In my book Hidden in Her Heart, my lead character’s engagement ended because he became a pastor but his then-fiancee didn’t want to be a pastor’s wife.
In one of my favourite Jane Austen books, Persuasion, the heroine broke up with the love of her life because his financial and social status weren’t compatible with hers. It’s a reason that sounds strange in the 21st century, but in Regency England, it was a legitimate barrier to romance.
In Christian romance, the main characters must be morally upright and likeable, so we can’t have people rejecting potential partners for silly or immature reasons.
What do you think of as good reasons why two people in love cannot build a relationship together? What could potentially be too big to form a reasonable compromise? I’d love to hear your thoughts! They may or may not inspire future stories, ha ha. :-)
I write fiction that reflects my Christian faith. I love happy endings, heroes and heroines who discover sometimes hard but always vital truths, and stories that uplift and encourage. My family and I live in the east of England where we enjoy rambling in the countryside, reading good books and making up silly lyrics to our favorite songs.
It could be something as silly as the seasons. One prefers a summer island holiday, the other a winter wonderland holiday.
She’s a sports fanatic and wants to go to all the games and he hates the sport she loves and hates going to games. (I know it can be resolved but can be difficult in some ways)
In the same vain. finding out one person is a huge sci fi fan to the point of going to meetings, seeing the show on a daily basis etc and the other one once is enough. (This happened to me although it was a penpal I met in real life in her letters she was interested in cricket like me we were afterall penpals due to cricket, but when I stayed with her I found out she was a Trekkie which she only mentioned in passing in letters. They had seen the new movie 12 times in 14 days and I suggested seeing another movie and that didn’t go down well. I was glad I had to leave early cos it was really hard.) So maybe in a relationship the first few weeks one partner maybe showing what the other wants but then you see what they really are into and find neither really have anything in common. (I was so looking forward to meeting this penpal but the best time was when I went for a few walks on my own.
Another challenge could be differing beliefs.
Well some reasons I can think of:
– One of them has always wanted a great family and the other never contemplated that in his life, get married? sure … lots of kids? Not that much.
– They are both police / detectives worried about getting married and starting a family together because their job is dangerous, what if they die? who takes care of their children …? they both hoped to marry someone with a more secure career.
– The girl is a “good Christian girl from her childhood” and he is a reformed boy with a crazy life … she does not know whether to trust him and his change, no matter how much God changes people, she believed that she would marry a pastor or someone with a clean life like her.
– The boy is a criminal who found Christ thanks to a pastor in jail … does he have what it takes to be a spiritual leader in a family? Will his past haunt him again? Will the heroine take a chance with him?
– Ok this is crazy but … how about a former erotic writer with a former film actor in adult films, they both found Christ, both of them wanting to grow spiritually but … together as a couple? Will they be able to affirm each other in faith? Add a friendly Christian senior couple to guide them and it could be a romantic comedy.
I have a lot of imagination xD whoever wants to take my ideas najaja.
Those are great ideas, Mary! My husband, like most Norwegians, could ski pretty much from when he could walk, and he loves outdoor winter activities, including camping in a snow cave. While I spent many of my formative years living close to the equator. :-)
Wow, Jenny, that’s quite an experience with your Trekkie friend and it’s something you wouldn’t really find out until you actually spend time together in person. Great ideas!
You are full of fantastic ideas, Lilly! All of those could sustain a novel-length story. :-)
If one is a video gamer and the other despises video games.
Um, now I want to know the dating service to send to my adult single children, ha!
That’s a good one!
Ha ha, it was eHarmony. I can’t vouch for it today, but it was great when we used it. :-)
Hi Good afternoon, well it could be that one of them loves to be on the phone texting, and the other one prefers quality time together, so one day they both decide to leave their phones off and only turn them off in case of an emergency, they can go to a cabin in the mountains and just spend time together with each other doing different things that they both enjoy doing together, watching a good movie, playing boardgames, cards or just whatever , just spending time and making time for each other, they both needed a break from their phones.
If one person is an introvert and one is not.that can be a problem.
For me there’s the biggie reasons (aside from Christian values)…..kids or no kids, how to handle finances, where to live, and family views (mom, dad, siblings, etc).
I guess one deal breaker for me would be how does the other person get along with his family? If he can’t stand to be around them or get along with them, then that says something to me. I would be questioning why. There’s obvious reasons why he may not want to be around them….say for example, he’s a Christian & they are all atheist or something, then yes that can cause a lot of conflict. Or if they have vastly different lifestyles (his family is into drinking at family gatherings), then I can see why he wouldn’t want to spend time with them. But what I’m talking about is reasons that aren’t really that big of a deal, maybe his brother always gives him noogies or something.
Meshing two lives together is tough & if you don’t have the same core values and morals as your possible spouse (or serious partner) it will never work. There’s always things two people will not agree on, but most can be overcome or a good compromise can take place. Agree to disagree is what my husband and I say :-) Because even in our almost 25 years together, we don’t agree on everything! We’ve learned that our differences make us stronger & help glue us together. We’re the same where it counts :-)
For me as a never married “older” adult, I’d have to say the deal breaker could be if the other person has adult children who object, whether the other person is a widower or was divorced, the adult children could be a huge problem. Also, each other’s work ethics. Especially if one works from home, would the other think they should do all of the household things, too, as in, just because you’re “home” doesn’t mean you aren’t working and have time to do everything around the house. Finances are another thing, do you have to keep “your” money separate, or is it “our” money, who has the checkbook, who pays the bills, and is one a spender and the other a saver?
So many options!
Family – differences in wanting to stay close to family and not.
Travel – homebody vs explorer.
Work – wanting to put in the time to establish a business vs living right now.
Children – wanting them vs not. Being able to have them vs not.
Guy’s facial hair.
Just a few for you that I have noticed. People have such a diversity, one guy at uni, his deal breaker was women who smoked cigarettes, ugh, but give her the chance to stop smoking.
Hi, Milla!
It seems like this discussion is about real deal-breakers versus perceived ones. The real ones prevent the spiritual bond in the cord of three strands. The perceived ones are the rough spots that sand each other smooth. Of course, even the perceived ones can break the deal if somebody chooses to hold on to them instead of their partner.
An example of this could be dealing with tragedy. Even if the cause of the loss is nobody’s fault, it still can break a couple apart unless they choose their commitment to each other as more important than feeling the pain.
Some of the most fun and lighthearted stories are ones where the issue is something shallow that gets resolved by a deepening of understanding on both sides. For example, a jazz musician and a classical musician who learn that music is more than just the style, perhaps by each learning to play the other’s music.
A fun post, Milla. Thanks!
That would be a sweet little scene! Thanks, Alicia.
I can absolutely see that being a problem, since extroverts are energized by being with people, while introverts find it exhausting. Thank you!
Those are great thoughts, Trixi, especially about being compatible where it counts the most. Thank you!
Thank you, Trudy! You’ve raised issues I’d not thought about at all. Those can all cause tremendous strain between a couple, for sure.
Facial hair, ha ha! Good thing that’s not a dealbreaker for me because my husband has nurtured a fine beard since the first lockdown. :-D Those are all good ideas. Thank you!
Thank you, Lincoln! I like how you put it, “the rough spots that sand each other smooth.” For sure, they can refine us if grace is involved. Otherwise, even something as asinine as how the toothpaste tube is squeezed can drive an enormous wedge between a couple.
My favourite romances are the ones where, through God’s wisdom and grace, the couple each have personal growth and deeper understanding and move past the perceived dealbreakers.
Two people who aren’t on the same page as to how many children they want or what they both want out of marriage would also be impediments, I would think.
I totally agree, Megan, and that can be a particularly painful and sensitive one.
When we were engaged, my husband’s parents did not want him to marry me. They also wanted us to postpone our marriage. His parents were very strong willed. For a period of time, my husband bowed to their wishes. I cancelled our engagement because I needed him to stand up for what he and I wanted, not follow his parents wishes. He finally figured out his parents just did not want us to get married. They did not feel I was good enough for their son. I also was not of their faith or heritage. Years later, they found that I was nothing that they thought. We ended up in a good relationship prior to their deaths.
If the person seems perfect on paper, but then little things arise which don’t make sense, a lie here, a lie there– pathological type of issue which can’t be resolved.
They don’t agree on relationship events or love in general. They can’t agree on a family or peronalities are too different.
Couples can start a relationship too fast just to say there in one but fight a lot. It’s not true love.
Spiritual standing
Wow, Debra, what a hard and painful experience that must have been for you. I’m so grateful that it all worked out in the end.
That would make a wonderful domestic thriller or romantic suspense. I love reading those types of stories, but haven’t yet attempted to write one. Thank you!
Thanks, Amy. Those are all huge differences to get past!
When I read your comment, I immediately thought of a few couples I’ve seen who fit that description. It’s so painful to watch. Thank you, Sylvain!
That’s a huge one, Natalya. Thank you!
its the only pen friend I have met who wasn’t what I expected. she did like cricket but was a trekkie in a fan club and a office bearer. she had another friend staying also who was one too and I was really glad I had to leave early due to the friend having sickness in the family. they didnt’ even tell me I would have to leave but thankfully I could change my bus ticket and mum paid for me to stay 2 extra nights in a hotel.
I went on a camp and really liked a guy. 10 mins after flying to Sydney to stay with the family I knew we had no future. He did what everyone else did on camp but at home he was so serious and I found too he went to church but it wasn’t a priority. I got on better with his mate who was older but liked more what I did and also more committed. had the sticker about the rapture (forget the words) and the one I was seeing didn’t understand what it meant.
Ten minutes? Wow, your radar is spot on!
She’s into health food and avoiding preservatitives. He never saw a cheeseburger too greasy to eat. We have married friends like this. It’s no fun to eat out with them. They bicker about what’s on each other’s plates.