I’ve talked to a few people recently about what their 2022 was like and what they would like to be different in 2023. I’ve gotten some interesting answers.
A lot of people faced financial challenges in 2022. Inflation and the cost of living have weighed heavy on many people. Some people have been discouraged by politics or other issues, too. Health has been a concern for some.
The one thing I heard the most, though, was about relationships. People’s relationships have been under extra pressure this past year. Relationships have suffered, and in some cases splintered.
As people have shared their experiences with me, I’ve tried to glean some useful information. What can we all learn from these experiences? What can we do differently going forward?
Most of us can’t change the economy or political climate, and we might only have limited control over our health. We can, however, change how we function in the relationships with which God has blessed us.
Here are some things I came up with.
- Be thoughtful. We shouldn’t assume that people know we care and that that’s enough. When we take the time to tell and/or show people that we care, it brightens their day and outlook. It doesn’t matter if the person is eighteen or eighty – we all appreciate it when somebody sincerely expresses their care for us. Maybe this means letting someone have the last brownie because you know they love brownies. Maybe it’s something different. Regardless, we should be genuine in our care of others, and we should express that care in real ways.
- Do that whole romance thing. For those of us who are a little more introverted or even a little more practical – romance doesn’t necessarily come easy. We have to make a conscious effort to make time for that special someone. So do that. Make the conscious effort and make the time. Even if it’s just a lunch date on Taco Tuesday, we should be intentional. It’s amazing what a little intention can do to smooth over the rough edges in a romantic relationship. (And let’s face it. As long as we’re this side of heaven, our romantic relationships will probably have at least a few rough edges.)
- Remember stuff. Obviously, we should try to remember birthdays, anniversaries, and things like that. We need to remember other things, too, though. When a friend tells you she has a doctor’s appointment next week, follow up afterward and ask how it went. When your hubby tells you he has a meeting with his supervisor at work, shoot him a text beforehand and tell him you hope the meeting goes well. Those might seem like small and insignificant interactions, but they’re not. When we remember some of the *little* things in people’s lives, it shows that we were listening when they talked to us. It’s so very easy for us to hear with one ear while also doing something else (laundry, playing patty-cake, answering a work email, etc.). If we’re only half-listening, though, we’re going to half-remember. If we’re lucky. So listen better. Remember more. And in remembering, we can also better show care and thoughtfulness.
- Be present. This ties into the listening to and remembering to what people tell us. If we’re not present, we can’t do that. In the world of modern technology, it’s easy for us to escape from situations that we don’t like or that we find boring. Our smart phones can take us out of the situation via social media, books to read, games to play, or any other number of ways. We can be physically present with one person but mentally and emotionally somewhere else. And that doesn’t make for good relationship-building. People know when we’re not really there with them. Being present and actively engaged with the people God has placed into our lives is important. And when we need some extra motivation, let’s remember that these are the people God has placed into our lives; they’re not there by accident. In a way, by honoring the people God has placed into our lives (and honoring the time they spend with us), we honor God. So be present. Be engaged.
Please share your thoughts! What are some relationship things you can (or want to) do better this year? Do you need to make specific changes or just little tweaks here and there?
Heather Gray loves coffee, God, her family, and laughter – not necessarily in that order! She writes approachable characters who, through the highs and lows of life, find a way to love God, embrace each day, and laugh out loud right along with her. And, yeah, her books almost always have someone who's a coffee addict. Some things just can't be helped. Despite their different lives and situations, Heather’s characters have something in common. They're all flawed...but loved anyway.
It’s interesting last year I was gaslighted by a few different people only I didn’t realize that was what was happening. But this year I am not going to just accept bad behaviour. An example was a couple days ago a friend and I were doing our shopping and we go to Maccas/McDonalds for lunch while there we saw someone who can be hard to deal with when he’s in that sort of mood and tends to lack social skills. He came to sit where we were when my friend was buying her lunch. I order online. I had to get up say to my friend I can’t be there I am going outside. Normally I would just take the comments (which had become personal and inappropriate) but I dealt with it too much last year. My friend did go sit there and when she got her meal came out and we ate outside. She is the type of friend who understands and is good to be around. We don’t have our phones out and we are present.
When I go out I may have my phone but I don’t have it out when we are eating and certainly am not doing SM because I don’t have internet on it unless I get free wifi. I think one of the biggest things with friendships/relationships is to set rules and be present. the occasional look is fine but not be on the phone the whole time. I remember a retreat where one lady spent all the time online often saying Oh did you comment on my review someone just did. We would all be saying no and then none of us are online or have access at present. but because she spent the whole time online she wasn’t present, and it was off putting.
I think your point about being intentional is really important – you don’t need big extravagant gestures, but on the other hand it’s important to show people you care and value them, and to take time and think about how to do this.
I’ve been praying that all of my relationships would be honoring and glorifying to God, and that if they aren’t, that He would change them to where they would be, and if it’s one that I need to let go, that I can do that. The majority of my friends are Christians, yet there can be personality clashes sometimes, and I especially want my relationships with fellow Christians to be honoring and glorifying to God.
Great post today. Wonderful ideas. I need to make a few tweeks on some of these for sure. All of these is why I write everything down
My wife and I, after 33 years plus, are still learning how to bless each other consistently by speaking and doing according to the other’s love language. Hers is acts of service so I get to get up off my blessed assurance and load and run the dishwasher or vacuum the carpets. My is time and attention so she is prompt to allow me to interrupt what she’s doing and talk with (or listen to) me. It makes such a huge difference to know in the practical sense that we are valued by each other.
Thank you for sharing!! You’re so right. We do sometimes need to set boundaries. When we establish those boundaries (in a nice and/or positive way), people tend to respect the boundaries – or at least learn to adapt to them.
And the phone thing! Yes! I was having lunch with a young lady that I disciple. We hung out for maybe two hours. The only time she took her phone out was when I got up to use the restroom. I was really proud of her for that because in the past that had been a bigger issue/problem. Unfortunately, though, because she didn’t have her phone out, she didn’t see a text from her boyfriend. And because she didn’t reply to his text, more and more (and angrier and angrier) texts started coming through. By the time she saw the texts, a nuke had pretty much been set off in the middle of their relationship. Unfortunately, I think this has become normal behavior. Consequently, young people feel an intense pressure to have their phone in their hand at all times. One missed text or phone call is taken as rejection. People no longer assume, “Oh, she was busy. She’ll get back to me.” They assume that an unanswered call or text is an intense personal attack. It’s surreal.
Anyway – kudos to you for being present in your relationships and for setting healthy boundaries!! Best wishes for healthy and happy relationships in 2023!
Ha. I’m glad we don’t need big extravagant gestures – because I’m TERRIBLE at those kinds of things. LOL! Sometimes just checking in with someone to ask how they’re doing is enough to make them feel loved and cared for. For other people, though, they might need a little more – or just something different. And that’s okay. When we care, we should be willing to take the time to figure out what will have the most impact on someone. Excellent point!
Letting go can be hard. And it hurts. I believe wholeheartedly that God wants us to pursue reconciliation when a relationship hits a hard patch. Scripture, though, does address a kind of “letting go” when someone repeatedly rejects your attempts at reconciliation. It’s not easy, and sometimes when that happens, we can feel like we’ve somehow failed that person or the relationship. God is good, though, and when He leads us to let go of a relationship, we can trust that He knows what’s best in that situation. We can also trust that He will be our Comfort when letting go of a relationship hurts us. (As a disclaimer – I do want to say that marriage is treated differently in Scripture than other non-marriage relationships and that reconciliation is an even higher imperative with marriage.)
So glad you could stop by today, Lori. Happy New Year!
My primary love language is service, too. My husband and I were in a class one time about the different ways men and women communicate, and whatever the discussion topic was at the time, I commented that, “My husband is never sexier than when he’s mowing the lawn without complaining.”
Every man in that room turned to look at me, and one of them finally voiced the question they all had. “What exactly does he wear when he’s mowing?”
Meanwhile, every woman in that room was nodding. Whether they were agreeing with the “mowing” part or the “not complaining” part, I don’t know. I still laugh every time I remember that. ^_^
As for time and attention – that comes down to being present with a person – and people who do that well are a precious gift. My grandmother was amazing at being present, and all these years later, I still miss having conversations with her because of how special she always made me feel by simply being present and engaged. I aspire to one day be like her in that regard.
I need to make a few changes here and there. On Monday and Friday’s, I volunteer as an encourager for Proverbs 31 First 5 Community. I have a habit on those days, keeping the computer on while we are eating. I need to make an effort to turn off the computer while we are eating, I can go back to it after we have finished. Thank you for sharing. God bless you. Happy New Year.
good ideas