“You should become a greeter!” gushed an extremely friendly lady in the church foyer, seizing my arm as I attempted to slip out after services last Sunday. “You get to meet so many people! I just love it!”
Even as I nodded and smiled and thanked her for the suggestion, I was thinking three things at the same time:
- No way could I be a greeter; and
- Get me out of here, and
- She’s the right kind of Christian woman, and I’m not.
You see, I’m an introvert. I like people, but in small groups and small doses. Crowds exhaust me, and meeting new people is stressful. I need plenty of alone time to recharge after a busy day out in the world.
Often, though, service roles at church involve being social, especially for women. Teaching classes, hosting coffee hours, visiting strangers in hospitals or inner city neighborhoods, going on mission trips with dorm-style living accommodations… just the thought of this type of activity makes me tired. And yet, when I avoid serving in those capacities, I feel guilty.
Introverts love to be stranded in a snowstorm… but what if a kind, manly soldier comes to call? Click to learn more!
Naturally, my feelings about groups of people make their way into my fiction. In my upcoming release, His Secret Child, the heroine gets offered a ride to church. “And be trapped into staying for the social hour, too?” she blurts out.
Like me, Fern is an introvert. She’s a librarian and a children’s writer, and she beats herself up for not being as outgoing and lively as many other woman are.
But Fern has much to offer the world in her own quiet way. She shares books with children, takes in her friend’s daughter after her friend dies, and helps with the library at the Senior Towers. Though she’s not outgoing, she has a lot of love to give.
What does the bible say about introverts? Nothing! I don’t think the word had been invented in biblical times. And in the communal societies described in the bible, solitude probably wasn’t a frequent option.
We do know, however, that Jesus often slipped away to pray in solitude. Moreover, First Corinthians 12 gives me comfort in being a little different from the norm:
4 There are different kinds of gifts, but the same Spirit distributes them. 5 There are different kinds of service, but the same Lord. 6 There are different kinds of working, but in all of them and in everyone it is the same God at work.
I admire super-friendly women gifted with hospitality, but I am coming to realize I’m never going to be one of them. And maybe that’s okay; maybe I can serve in a different capacity. Writing Christian fiction feels so much more natural to me than socializing—and I’m coming to trust that God is okay with my doing what comes naturally, what he made me to do. Like it says in First Corinthians 12:27: You are the body of Christ, and each one of you is a part of it.
Are you an introvert? Shy? Do you ever feel out of place among the social, outgoing women who love to converse with everyone in church? Or are you extroverted yourself, and do you struggle to understand the more introverted members of your congregation or family? Share an answer or an example by midnight, January 16, and I’ll choose a random commenter to win a $10 gift card. I’m hoping you’ll decide to buy His Secret Child and read about how shy Fern the librarian falls in love with a rugged mercenary.
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Lee Tobin McClain read Gone With The Wind in the third grade and has been an incurable romantic ever since. Lee is the author of the Sacred Bond series of contemporary inspirational romances and also writes the Rescue River books (angsty, but full of fun kids and dogs) for Harlequin Love Inspired. When she not writing emotional Christian romances, she's probably driving around a carload of snarky teen girls, playing with her rescue dog and cat, or teaching aspiring writers in Seton Hill University's MFA program. She is probably not cleaning her house.
A resounding YES to all of your questions, Lee. I love people, but I prefer one on one. I’ve never liked to be the center of attention, I’d rather remain behind the scenes. This is something I’ve struggled with for many years.
I can’t wait to read, His Secret Child, as I’m sure I’ll relate well to Fern. Love the cover!
You have me pegged! My roles of service tend to be behind the scenes. There was a time when I wouldn’t even talk in Bible Study – that has changed as I’ve become more comfortable with the people around me. We all have our strengths and God has a plan for the use of each one.
I look forward t reading your new book!
Wow! I really can relate to your words! Being in large groups of people or parties is just not my thing. Sometimes I feel like there must be something wrong with me to feel this way, but it’s just the way I am! I prefer quiet alone time! Thanks for one of the best posts I’ve read on this site!!
Thank-you. You wrote a wonderful article. I am an introvert and prefer one on one. Blessings to you. :)
I am a shy introverted introvert lol. The best thing ever invented? Email! I can’t chit chat. If I know I have to call someone, I put it off. Or write down what I have to say. Crowds wear me out. Being social wears me out. Just let me sit in the corner and watch. As long as the corner is in the other room. I almost didn’t go to our workplace Christmas dinner. Sitting in a room with a bunch of people? But my coworker is like me, so went together and ended up having a great time. But that is what I like most about writing. I can be behind the scenes, not out front. Thanks for this great post, and letting us realize we are not alone. And the part about Jesus slipping away? I’d never thought about it in that context before. Would love to read your book! I cringe when they do the everybody wander around and shake people’s hands while the music plays. I need lots of prayer! lol.
And I have to share, I finished a second story! Just this morning wrote The End! Now to edit these two stories and see what happens. God is in control, the possibilities are endless with God, but being a published author has been a long time dream. These are His words and He’ll find a home for them when He is ready. I just have to be patient and be willing.
Congratulations on finishing your story! That is awesome!
Great article! I am not an introvert, but my husband definitely is. I am slowly learning how to adapt to that….For instance, that it’s okay to go watch the College Football Final and leave him at home (like I did this week). I’m not neglecting him by going, and it’s not that he doesn’t want to hang out with me doing something I enjoy, it’s that he doesn’t want to be stuffed in our friend’s living room with the other 34 people.
I couldn’t even imagine lol. It would take me at least a week to recharge from that. A couple I knew, the husband was an introvert,his wife was an extrovert. When in a large group, she was energized. She fed off it. He was drained. It was like they fed off him. That’s how I feel after being in a large group. Drained. I am energized by being alone. Isn’t it amazing how God made us all different, but yet we’re so alike?
Yay Sally! Congratulations!
Thank you so much!!
Thank you!! But I’m thinking the next steps aren’t for the faint introvert…Now I have to put myself out there… Into the great unknown…
I’ve been feeling a great deal of anxiety when I think about the release of my book. I’m excited and I know it’s a gift from God, but I’m nervous.
When does your book come out? I will watch for it. I can’t wait and am excited for you! I will pray for you. I think God has a sense of humor and loves to see us stretched out of our comfort zone so we’re totally relying on Him!
I am also an introvert. I do enjoy being in a small group but don’t do well in a large group and having to do the small talk. It is very uncomfortable for me. I am also the behind the scenes person. I would rather be the one in the kitchen doing the cooking and prep work than being the one at the big party walking around and doing the small talk. What is fun for me is being at home on my computer or reading a book. Now that I am 65 and what they call a senior I enjoy the quiet times at home. Guess it is time for me to enjoy the peace and quiet in our home after raising 2 daughters. I do enjoy the noise and happy times with my two grandchildren ages 14 and 11. What joy they bring to our lives! How nice to see that most of us enjoy the introvert trait and we aren’t alone. Not everyone is the life of the party. I would much rather sit in a corner and watch what is going on around me at a big get together.
Thank you, Sally. I appreciate your prayers. I’m waiting to hear from my editor on the release date, it’s a long process.
Fun topic, Lee! I’m an introvert, but sometimes people don’t believe me. I’ll make small talk with nearly anyone anywhere. I can put on a public persona and do events, even teach workshops. But it can take days to recover!
On the other hand, if no one phoned me for a month, I wouldn’t even notice. I do love online. It’s a perfect blend for me. I can email or chat with friends and still be cocooned at home.
Congrats!!
I’m grateful to be an introvert! I read that most writers are introverts, not sure it that’s true but it seems many of us are. Maybe we need to be to manage the hours alone at the computer with only our imaginary characters and God!
Over the years I learned to be able to put on the public face and handle being with people, even lecturing large groups, though being around people does exhaust me and I need to retreat. But I value my quiet time so much. I’d quite happily be a hermit, as long as I still had internet. My extroverted husband isn’t quite so thrilled with that idea! My ideal would be to have a retreat hut in a garden I could go to when I needed, for a few days now and then. Not too far from home, but far enough not to get interrupted!
As Valerie said, the internet is a huge blessing. We can make connections, even form true and deep friendships, without the pressure to be “on” all the time.
Lee, thanks so much for a very thoughtful post. I don’t consider myself an introvert. On the scale between introvert and extrovert, I put myself near the middle but going toward the extrovert side. My middle status must be the reason I have one daughter on the introvert side and one on the extrovert side. Growing up, the two did not understand each other at all, but they have both found their calling. The introvert is an academic librarian and the extrovert is a marketing manager in an international company. Would you say there is a little stereotype in their jobs?
Sally, I wish you all good fortune with your writing! You’ve done the hardest part–buckled down and written the thing (or things, in your case). And getting the work out there can mostly be done by email rather than in person. You’ll be fine!
Extroverts are definitely in the majority in our North American culture–I think that’s why being introverted is such a struggle. And thanks for liking the cover of His Secret Child. I had to learn to like it–at first, I wanted people on the cover–ironic for an introvert, right?
Julianne, you make a good point that introverts take a while to feel comfortable with others… and that our comfort levels improve with time. I have old friends that I can truly relax and be myself with. Glad you have found that in your Bible study. (But speaking in front of a group is never easy, is it?)
Linda, I know exactly what you mean about feeling like there’s something wrong with you. That’s why I wrote the post! It’s a comfort to see that others have similar issues. We are the way God made us to be, and that has to be a good thing because He doesn’t make mistakes.
Thank you for reading and for your kind words, Kathy. I agree, one-to-one is the most comfortable.
Oh wow, 34 other people in a small room… trust me, your husband will be MUCH happier at home! And eager to hear about your adventures one-on-one when you return.
Yes, Nancy, exactly! I think a lot of people don’t understand that being quietly at home is actually fun for us who are introverts. I hadn’t thought about it, but a little more quiet time is something to look forward to as I get closer to my “senior” years myself.
I am similar, Valerie. Because I’m a professor and have to meet a lot of strangers at professional events or conferences, I can *act* like an extrovert. But then I have to go home and crawl in bed with a book and my dog for a few hours to recover! And yes, online friendships are a fun way for introverts to socialize. I always enjoy our little online chats!
Ooh, I want a retreat hut, too!
Hah, your daughters did go for the stereotypical jobs! And having met you, I would guess that yes, you are a bit more extroverted than many of us writers. In fact, I believe you were the life of the Harlequin party in New York last summer! Thanks for making an effort to understand how the other half feels.
Thank you so much!
Thank you so much for your words of encouragement. I appreciate it! I am a fan of email.
I was really shy as a child, and still need some quiet time reading each day, but the Lord has helped me learn how to reach out to others. My husband is more introverted than I am. 30 years of being a missionary overseas kind of pushed me out of being a total introvert :-)
I have always been an introvert. As a child, you could find me ina tree reading a book,rather than playing with the rest of the kids.
My parents were missionaries and it was painful when we had to sing for audiences when we visited churches.
I became a nurse and had learn to connect more with people and also years working for a direct sales company made me less shy.
Relationships have always been painful and I tend to withdraw into myself.
I would rather be writing, or reading a book rather than going outside.
I’m an extrovert, but my husband is an introvert…soooooooo…I had to learn how to deal with that. He’s not a talker and I am…I don’t know a stranger…all people are strangers to him ;) sooooo…it’s a perfect match! He excels in so many things that I don’t and I don’t have a problem telling anyone about them :D
I bet, Margaret–missionaries must be thrust into all kind of social situations, and God has equipped you for that. You’re smart to know you need a little reading and quiet time every day.
Linda! This is so interesting because many people seem very social and extroverted online, you included. It’s just like Valerie and I were talking about above, you learn to do what you have to do professionally… but then you need the recovery time. And yes, introverts in relationships…. that’s probably fodder for another whole post!
Funny how often opposites pair up. I’m divorced, but I live with my teen daughter, the super extrovert. I think we’re good for each other; she gets me out, and I show her how to enjoy time alone. It’s not always easy but it works.
My husband is an extrovert and is very people ‘needy’, where I can take people in small doses, but beyond that I burn out or retreat. I too, feel guilty that I can’t be more social and outgoing. I was even told by a pastor that Christian people are “people persons” and could not be introverted. Those words shook my faith and I began to feel that I had no place in God’s Kingdom. Developing relationships is difficult for me; I’m generally a friendly person, but conversationally awkward. Have I learned to grow into more social graces, yes. Do I still tremble inside when I do step out of my comfort zone, YES! Thankfully God knows we are all works in progress. But where my husband will tell you to your face that God loves you, I will probably send you a card and pray the words touch your heart with God’s love. I look forward to reading about Fern and how she deals with being an introvert.
I’m more comfortable in small groups as well but I am trying to be more outgoing by being a greeter at my church(stepping outside my comfort zone)
Stacey, looks like we share a lot of the same feelings. But don’t you think there are people who’d rather get a card than to have someone testify to them in person? Like maybe, other introverts? :)
Wow, good for you!
I totally relate. I am an introverted pastors wife. I am not what is expected.
It took our church awhile to get used to me. :-)
A beautiful article and I love your books!
I really love that you wrote about this, and am adding this book to my list of must-reads. I’m introverted, and have become increasingly introverted as I get older. But, I struggle with this a lot, because I love people and am studying to work with people from all over the world. I’m learning that it’s ok to be uncomfortable with not being the first person out on the street talking to strangers about my faith, or being the one up front. I can be the one who is intentional with a few, and really pour into those people. Thanks for sharing. It’s nice to be reminded that I’m not alone in this struggle. :)
I am such an introvert and it’s taken a long time to understand and embrace. Everyone in our home has nap/quiet time regardless of age just so I can recharge and be the best mommy I can be! My husband is an introvert too, it will be interesting to see how many of our children will be introverts as well.
I can identify with all you said about stressed in a crowd and never being that outgoing friendly person. I am good with one on one but add a few more and I tend to withdraw a little. I have adjusted as I grew older but I still like my alone time best. That’s when I get lost in a book and it is another world removed from my own. My son is the opposite of me. He is a major people person and he is comfortable anywhere. I think he got that from my dad. Anyway, I am looking forward to reading your new book. Keep writing because I have loved all your books.
Have a great year!!
Definitely a introvert and slightly shy.
Lee…..I am just like what you described yourself to be!! Thankfully we attend a small congregation (20 or less regulars) so that helps me. But I don’t do big crowds, like you said, even the thought of get-togethers with lots of people makes me tired. I NEED a place by myself to unwind. Peopling wears me out….lol! There are times I avoid going to the store to be among people…unless I have no choice :-)
I, too, am a friendly person and serve my congregation in small doses (I make the coffee prior to Sunday School & set out fellowship food). But there is no way I’d want to be front and center! I like the background service I can offer & I know the Lord will bless that. It’s what feels “natural” to me & I’ve learned that it’s okay to be who God made me to be. As long as I am using my talents for His glory!
Yay Sally! Big congrats on finishing #2 :)
Lee, great post! My mother and sister are both extroverts, which means I grew up in a family where I was expected to be an extrovert. I learned how to behave like an extrovert. My dad is an introvert, and over the years I’ve discovered I have many introvert tendancies. I love writing, but I’ve learned I’m too much of an extrovert to stay in my writing cave and write full-time. I guess I fit somewhere in the middle :)
Thanks, Narelle!!