I’ve only ever had one boyfriend in my life, and I married him. I was his first girlfriend, too. That may sound romantic, and it is, in a way.
But since we met when I was thirty and he was thirty-four, it also means we both had many, many years of loneliness. I felt like a wallflower. I was invisible to those I found attractive, and only seemed to draw attention from some… let’s say… unusual prospects. Such as the guy who, when asking me for a date, claimed God told him I was struggling with my feelings for him.
I sent that fellow packing, but I still wish I could go back in time and give him the perfect comeback line.
When I told my family and friends about my new relationship with the man who is now my husband, the first question many of them asked was: “Why is he still single?”
I’m currently writing a series of Christian romance stories in which the main characters are all in their late forties and early fifties. One of the interesting aspects of this age range is exploring the reasons why everyone is unmarried—particularly the men.
It’s obvious with widows and widowers, of course. Also a bit of a no-brainer are couples who’ve separated and are getting back together.
Not so easy, though, are those who are single but never married. I’ve found it more straightforward to explain for the women, since single women have outnumbered eligible men in every community of faith I’ve been part of.
It’s been a creative challenge to explore the life circumstances that result in men in a Christian community being unattached at a time when most of their peers are married.
In Into the Flood my male protagonist is a reclusive introvert.
In Into the Flood, the first book in my Seasons of Faith series, I wrote my male protagonist as a reclusive introvert. He doesn’t date because his own space is his comfort zone. He doesn’t realise he needs someone until she disrupts his solitary life.
(Incidentally Into the Flood is on sale for 99 cents until October 22nd. This is a great time to grab it if you haven’t yet read it.)
Within the Storm has a man who has held a torch for the same woman for so long that he’s never considered being with anyone else. He only finds his happily ever after when this woman becomes available.
Amid the Ashes, which releases in one week, has a single man in his late forties who is unmarried because of a disastrous past relationship. His failed romance casts a long shadow that’s blighting his life up to now.
I’ve set him up with a woman who is still single for very different reasons.
When you’re reading romance, do you consider why the main characters haven’t yet found love? What reasons do you find believable?
Amid the Ashes has a single man who is unmarried because of a disastrous past relationship.
He’s taking over her cat. She won’t let him invade her heart.
When her boss crosses a line, Johanna Strand quits her job to pursue her dream career as a social media chef.
But if she’s going to turn her hobby into a full-time income, she needs a business coach to steer her toward success. Too bad the only available candidate in her small town is the self-righteous neighbour who’s low key trying to steal her cat.
Gunnar Rikardson has grown fond of the cat from next door who often invites itself over to his house. Its owner, on the other hand, treats him as though he’s a kidnapper. Gunnar would rather steer clear, but a mutual friend begs him to take his neighbour on as a client.
Sparks fly as Gunnar reluctantly agrees to help Johanna, leading to a twist neither of them saw coming.
Gunnar’s last relationship blew up his life like a nuclear bomb, and he’s still dealing with the radioactive fallout. He fights Johanna’s influence on his heart as she gets past his defensive bunker.
And the last thing Johanna needs is to fall for yet another guy who’s not into her.
Both have been wounded in the past. How can they stop fear from sabotaging their chance at true happiness?
Amid the Ashes releases on all online retailers on October 25th.
I write fiction that reflects my Christian faith. I love happy endings, heroes and heroines who discover sometimes hard but always vital truths, and stories that uplift and encourage. My family and I live in the east of England where we enjoy rambling in the countryside, reading good books and making up silly lyrics to our favorite songs.
its interesting in the Christian world if you are single you often get the whats wrong with you or why are you still single. I got the your standards are too high. To which I thought if that means I am not going to marry the first drunk to ask me then I am fine with that or the first, second etc overseas cricket fan who wants to move to Australia! Where as if you are not in the Christian circles its not asked as much.
I actually know quite a few singles men and women over 30 and older who have never had a real relationship. It’s not that we didn’t want one it just didn’t happen.
We have a friend in his forties who has only ever loved one person. She admits she is attracted to him, but she was given a word of prophecy that when she met the right man it would be like a thunderbolt! Ten years later, she dallies with our friend but says that she hasn’t felt any thunderbolts. We wonder when she will wake up and realise that friendship and the consistency of his affections are far more important than thunderbolts.
Thanks for your comment, Jenny. I’m good friends with many never-married single women who are in their forties and fifties. I also have two family members in their sixties and seventies, faithful Christian women who have never had a real prospect of marriage.
And, like you said, they’re open and hopeful, and there’s nothing the matter with them or their standards, but it hasn’t happened yet.
Thankfully, it’s possible to have a full and joyful life without marriage. And marriage is by no means free from trials and sorrows, either.
Aw, Jeannette, that breaks my heart! This is not the place for me to get on my soapbox about thunderbolts and *some* words of prophecy. The stories I could tell…
You are so right about commitment and consistency being so much better than thunderbolts, which are often gone in a flash.
I am 26 years old and I have never had a boyfriend since finding guys who are believers, kind and with whom I have chemistry is a challenge. Too many boys my age give themselves permission to act like teenagers. They don’t want stable girlfriends but rather to “try” with one girl, they don’t want to commit to another girl and give only one the title of “girlfriend.”
I recently rejected two guys, one of them was trying to so to speak court me and 3 other girls to make sure that at least one of them said yes and another was already on serious dates with one but he was still trying to score points with me since the other was not his official girlfriend,When I told him, he responded, “Hey, but I’ve only been dating that girl for a short time,” as if knowing her a few weeks ago and not being officially dating was an excuse for wanting to have parallel dates.
The worst thing is that in Chile society sometimes has a sexist thinking “they are boys, it is difficult for them to settle down, they can’t help it” which leads to many girls having a hunter mentality “I caught his attention now I must hook him up it doesn’t matter if he is also dating with another” or “I must do whatever it takes to get her attention” which ultimately leads to hurt, disappointment, and 35-year-old women who think love sucks. Or sometimes the idea of ”God will bring me the one” while they only talk to women, go to a church without single men their age and dedicate themselves to work, family, church without going to new environments, my pastor’s wife tells me He said “if you want to get married wait on God but also make sure you spend time in the right environments where there are eligible single men.”
English is not my native language, sorry for the confusion of pronouns hahaha
You expressed yourself perfectly, Lilly, and I would never have guessed English isn’t your mother tongue.
You’re right–dating frustrations exist at all ages! They just look different depending on your phase in life. I’ve seen that hunter mentality, too, and it often ends in tears.
I’ll never forget a very good male friend I had who was like a big brother to me. He was a solid Christian and he warned me about another guy who was hanging around me, wasting my time but never really getting serious. My friend told me that any Christian man of integrity who was intentionally looking for a wife would not be dilly-dallying like that, and I should not allow this guy to trifle with my time and my feelings. And he was right.
I agree with your pastor’s wife, too.
Thanks so much for your comment!
Hi Milla! In my 70+ years, don’t recall any men NOT in a committed relationship. My mom did have a friend plus some distant relatives that married a widower in their forties. Being German American born at the end of WW2 more single women than men. Many German sweethearts were killed in the war. Most of my friends married in their early twenties. I agree with your comment to Jeannette about thunderbolts and prophecies. Love is a choice that takes give and take. Not all relationships are what we imagined as our childhood fantasies or kindred spirits. I wish my husband of 50 years had a more romantic side, but he is a good husband, father, and grandfather. We compliment each other.
In 1970 at a Youth retreat, I met a man I clicked with – but after a year of correspondence we both called it off, because neither wanted to move. He lived in Western Canada and I lived in the Midwest US. We had to much to loose in our careers. Shortly after that I met my husband. YES, LOVE is a Choice! I looked at my options other guys I was dating at the time – as well as he did. Enjoy your day.
I agree 100% that love is a choice and a commitment. That choice must be made with wisdom, prayer, and wide open eyes. And that commitment is what carries us through the rough seasons.
It grinds my gears to hear people talking about “falling out of love” as justification to end a marriage and break up a family.
I always enjoy reading your perspective on these topics. Thank you so much for sharing!
I’ve never dated much, and haven’t felt the need to do so! Admittedly, I’d have loved to have met Mr. Right For Me, but God has other plans! My life is still rich and full, and I’ve been able to do things I wanted/needed to do, without having to yield to someone else and his needs/desires. I’ve admittedly known more single women than men, but I’ve known a few guys who chose to remain single, and they were really nice guys. I’ve had very few people ask me why I haven’t married, and those were extended family members. I also think it’s a generational thing, too. I’m barely in my 60’s. My parents were 30 when they married, after Daddy’s first wife died.
Well said, Trudy! God’s plans are always best.
I’ve been thinking some more, and I realised that in all my acquaintance I know only one man who chose not to marry, and that was only for a season of his life. He was the eldest sibling and due to an improvident father he had the responsibility of helping his mother provide for his seven younger siblings.
He spent his twenties, thirties, and early forties being the family breadwinner and only married when his youngest brother graduated from college and got a job. Hmm… I can see the makings of a good romance novel there, ha ha!
This sounds a really interesting series, I think as I’m getting older I like reading about older heroes and heroines too.
I don’t think I’ve ever really thought much about why the characters i read about are still single, often it is part of the back story but sometimes it’s not explained. I think the ‘had a bad experience and has given up on relationships’ reasoning generally works well and I have seen this happen in real life. I think the ‘has always loved one person so never looked at anyone else’ is more problematic, as I’ve never seen this really happen, men especially seem to find it pretty easy to move on! But if it’s well written I’m sure it could be believable in a book.
But romantic heroes can’t just move on easily. Then there would be no story, lol. :-D
I take your point, though. In real life, handsome, eligible men (especially if they’re also gainfully employed) don’t seem to have any trouble finding a date. That’s why I need men in romance novels to have a very good reason to still be single and searching. Or single but deliberately not searching. :-)
Thanks for your comment!
Your books sound like great reads, and I think love comes at any age, even though, some people prefer to be alone without a companion and some people just cannot stand to be alone and they need a companion. I think that whatever makes a person happy is what they should do, being not married or being married. Marriage is a big commitment and a person should marry for the right reasons, which is love. I love that you are writing books about older couples.
Thanks so much, Alicia. You make some excellent points. Some people are naturally wired to need a companion, while others are happy hermits.
Have loved books 1 & 2, and have pre-ordered the new one. Really enjoying this older couples series! Thank you Milla!
Wow, thank you so much, Margaret! That makes me so happy to hear.
Thank you so much for sharing. My husband was 30 years old when we started dating. He had never been married nor dated. God bless you.
Aw, that’s really sweet. God’s timing doesn’t always look like ours, does it? Thanks for sharing, Debra.
God bless you, too!