I reached a new low a few weeks back. Like, low-low.
I had twenty-two unmatched socks in my laundry basket.
And they were all mine.
Twenty-two.
You might wonder how on earth anybody can end up with twenty-two pairs of socks. The answer is simple. Single socks keep disappearing, and I have to buy new pairs to make up for all my orphans.
Of course, the single socks aren’t actually disappearing. Not technically, anyway.
They’re simply wandering off.
They hide under my bed and dresser mostly. They’re crafty little socks, what can I say?
My husband – bless him – went on a sock hunt for me. He didn’t quite find twenty-two- socks hidden in the nooks and crannies of our bedroom, but he found several. Today there are only ten unmatched socks in my laundry basket…and most of them aren’t the same as from a few weeks ago.
What on earth does this have to do with romance?
Ha. You have to take a peek inside my crazy, mixed-up writer’s mind for a minute to understand that.
Some might say that I have a rebellious nature. The truth is, I’m just not super convinced that things should be a certain way because that’s the way they’ve always been. Don’t get me wrong. I have a huge amount of respect for tradition, especially Church tradition, when that tradition is grounded in Truth. I have slightly less patience for tradition that has come about because Great Uncle Snorkelfish said it’s always been this way.
Which brings me to the topic of gender norms in fiction.
I’ve said this before – I enjoy a good alpha male romance. I like a strong male lead. I just also kind of happen to like alpha female leads, too. I like my female characters to be an intellectual match for my male characters. I like to make my characters fit together the way people fit in real life. Neither is perfect. Both have strengths. Both have weaknesses. Their strengths and weaknesses just happen to fit each other.
I can remember praying for my future husband eons ago and telling God that I didn’t need a perfect man. Good grief, I didn’t even want a perfect man! Can you imagine the pressure that would put on a woman? Being married to a man who can do no wrong? No, thank you. No. I didn’t want a perfect man. I just wanted the man that was perfect for me…and I knew that God was the only one who could make that decision. Left to my own devices, I’d have blown it.
I take that same approach with my male leads. They don’t need to be perfect. Granted, some hide their weaknesses better than others. They’re all flawed, though. They’re all special in their own way. That approach kind of messes with the gender norms that have come to be expected in a lot of romantic fiction.
Which brings me back to the socks.
I might be the only woman I know who manages to leave her socks on the bedroom floor and consequently lose them. (At least, I’m the only woman I know of who admits it.) Traditionally, that’s a male problem. Men leave their socks laying around. Men are careless where the laundry hamper is concerned. Men are…well…men. At least, that’s the way I hear it. 😉
In my family, though, I’m the one who has the sock problem. My husband’s socks always end up in the hamper where they’re supposed to be. Granted, I do the laundry and fold the clothes…but my husband is the one who goes on sock hunts when I realize I’ve become overly careless and have ended up with way too many sock orphans in the clean-laundry basket.
What does that say about me?
Um…I’m not totally sure. I have a sneaking suspicion, though, that it’s not entirely flattering. So, I don’t go digging too deeply into the hidden psyche of my sock problems. Because I’m okay with a little bit of harmless denial. 😊
What about you? What kind of gender norms do you like in your Christian romance? Are there specific roles that you think belong to men only? Or to women only? Which gender norms (hopefully misplaced socks!) do you enjoy seeing broken? Where do you like to see the traditional stereotypes recast in a new light?
Heather Gray loves coffee, God, her family, and laughter – not necessarily in that order! She writes approachable characters who, through the highs and lows of life, find a way to love God, embrace each day, and laugh out loud right along with her. And, yeah, her books almost always have someone who's a coffee addict. Some things just can't be helped. Despite their different lives and situations, Heather’s characters have something in common. They're all flawed...but loved anyway.
I am actually happy to do away with many gender norms when I read. I want men in the kitchen and women changing tyres and wielding power tools. Such is life.
I don’t worry about wearing mis-matched socks. Who would notice?
I cleaned for someone and did the washing. I would often after weeks of it not being sorted and put away do that job. There were always un matched socks. I would put the odd ones aside to try to match at a later date. I am sure there were as many or way more than you. Husbands were not as bad but still quite a pile. I had the issue with summer socks which were mostly white and it was more trying to match them. But I do have proof the washing machine eats them. When I moved we found a couple at the bottom of the washing machine. Oh and whats a laundry hamper. Mine also are on the floor (and not just the bedroom floor.)
As for heros I am not sure. I do like a strong hero and heroine. I don’t like the helpless female who can’t do anything but I also don’t like domineering men or women.
I like the see gender roles eliminated in books. Each person contributes equally! Also, a perk of wearing flip flops almost exclusively is no missing socks!
We were raised by mum, so there were no gender roles. Maybe that’s why it makes no difference to me.
Wrt the socks, be creative with odd sock combinations or I wash socks inside lingerie bags so there are no more orphans. What is says about you, hmm maybe socks aren’t a priority for you and do they need to be or do they need to match, is it something you learnt from your mother, lol, and can release with grace. You could make it mean anything and which of your characters will :D
Great post! I knew we’d found our church home when, on our second Sunday service there, I noticed our pastor’s children were wearing mismatched socks. ;-) It said so much to me: outward appearances weren’t a priority for them, and that it’s a laid back “come as you are” place. That’s on top of them teaching sound doctrine, of course, ha ha.
The only “gender roles” I ascribe to are what the Bible teaches, and not society. So, in romance I don’t care about who does the driving or the cooking, but I want to see a man who’s going to love his wife like Christ loves the church, and a woman whose husband’s heart can safely trust in her, like Proverbs 31:11.
I am convinced that someday we will discover that Saturn’s rings are comprised of all the lost socks from Earth ;)
As far as gender roles in romance, without getting too deep, I believe there are Biblical principles that God put in place at Creation, and I use that as my guide. But I also look for opportunities to turn the tables and have a little fun. For example, one of my characters hailed a taxi in a major city to take him to the airport as fast as possible. He expected the driver would be a man, but it turned out to be a colorful grandma named Roz who drove like she was on the Indy Speedway, but got him there in one piece.
Regarding Bibilcal gender roles, you said exactly what I was thinking, but couldn’t express! Thank you, Milla!
Ha ha, Roz sounds hilarious!
I don’t care much about gender roles. And I like to read books about strong women, as long as the strong women aren’t characterized that way simply by the outlandish things they do.
Hi Heather! As a wife, mom and Oma, I am not tied to gender roles. I taught my 3 sons to cook, clean and do laundry. As for missing socks, I think socks have a mind of their own. Our house has a laundry chute. Some socks prefer to get caught in the corners of the chute. Some socks refuse to go into the basket at the bottom of the chute, landing and blending in with the cement floor. Some refuse to leave the front loading washer by squeezing to the top part of the drum. Even in retirement, who has time to find them, when they don’t want to partner with their mate. When our youngest son was still living at home, I had a basket with all the unmatched socks, because the guys usually had 6 pairs the same, so they came in handy. Best wishes.
I really don’t care for gender roles. I like to see the molds broken. As long as it’s Biblically sound, I don’t mind. I grew up in a home with 5 women and my poor Daddy, our lone male. Daddy always picked up after himself, so when I hear about men that don’t, I really can’t relate. We were taught we picked up after ourselves, too. Daddy was one of 12, so I’m sure that was part of his, and for us girls, Mom didn’t go behind us, so if you didn’t put something in the hamper, that was totally on you! There have been times when I’ve had an odd number of socks, and it’s usually that I left it in the hamper, left in the washer, or left in the dryer. It always shows up! What I find funny is when my washer or dryer turns clothes either inside out for me or right side out!! That’s also been known to happen here!
I come from a family of 13 so there is always missmatched socks.our family doesn’t really do gender roles with such a big family and 8 of them are boys.my brothers and sisters both do dishes.
I would notice! It cracks me up. They actually sell mismatched socks at the store now – because that’s now “in” or something – and yet I just can’t make myself do it. I’m my own worst sock enemy. ^_^
You’re so right – there’s a fine line between strong and domineering, and it’s a line nobody wants to cross. ^_^
As for white socks – my son’s entire childhood, he had the same brand of white socks. I did that to save myself the trouble of trying to match his socks. Every sock matched every other sock, so it didn’t really matter. Now that he’s older and buying his own socks, he has different ideas. Go figure.
Flip-flops! My mother-in-law is a big fan of flip-flops. She gets the wedge ones that kind of have a heel on them to make her taller. I don’t like the feel of that piece between my toes, and I’ve just never gotten comfortable with them as a result. But I totally envy (in a healthy way!) those who can wear flip-flops. More power to you! :)
Ha! I like your take on it…socks aren’t a priority for me. I’m not caught up in material things. That’s way better than the “too lazy to get them into the hamper.” ^_^
That’s a really good point about being raised in a single-parent home. Gender roles do seem different – or less ingrained, at least. There’s no need to break down stereotypes when none exist to begin with. Thanks for bringing that up!!
Amen!
There’s always a bit of a danger that we might let societal gender roles (or other societal ideas) influence how we read Scripture, and that can be especially dangerous when it comes to gender roles. It’s so, so important that we remember what we look at society (and its gender roles) through the lens of Scripture and not the other way around.
You hit the nail on the head with this one!
Hahaha! I can’t wait to see those satellite pictures of Saturn’s rings!
Roz sounds like a riot! And I absolutely agree. We’re not to mess with the roles that God has outlined in Scripture. He gave us those roles for a purpose, and one of those purposes is to protect us. When God gives us instructions in Scripture, those instructions are a hedge of protection that we can use for our own benefit or ignore at our own peril – I hope we all choose protection over peril! Turning those societal expectations upside down (without subverting God’s order) can be a whole lot of fun, though. ^_^
Ooh, interesting. I’ve never thought of it that way before. You’re right, though. Strength is a character trait. The things we do should reflect our character, so if the things we do (in real life or in a book) aren’t backed up by our character, they come across as fake and superficial. Good point!
I’ve always wanted a house with a laundry chute! Now that I’ve read about your sock issues, though, I have to say…I’m not so sure my sock drawer could withstand that much interference. It’s barely surviving as it is! ^_^
I used to tell my kids that part of my job was to make sure they could survive when they left home. So I made sure they knew how to cook, clean, and just generally take care of themselves. Although I will say, even though I learned how to change a tire when I was a teen, I taught my son how to call a tow-truck instead. There’s some wisdom that comes with age. ^_^
Ha! Yes! The great clothing turnaround. My shirts are always right-side-out when they go in the washer, but they definitely don’t always come out that way. One of the great washer machine mysteries! :-)
Such a big family! I can’t even imagine the plethora of socks… ^_^
In our family, my husband usually does the dishes – but I do all the shopping and the meal planning. He cooks on his days off, and I cook the rest of the time. It’s kind of nice to have some balance in chores.
I think men and women can both do pretty much the same things, if we let ourselves. I would much rather be a strong female that can do just about anything a guy can do, I do not want to be a helpless female that has to depend on a man. Learning to do things being a female or a male at a young age prepares us for the real world. Have a great week and stay safe.
Hey Heather, that’s so funny about your socks. My husband and son are always missing socks. I do occassionally. But most of the time when mine are missing, I dropped them in the closet on the way to the laundry room. Theirs are usually under the bed, behind the hamper, or under the couch. I made a sign that says Seeking Solemates to hang in the laundry room. I glued close pins to it, so when I find a single sock, I hang it there until I find the other.
I’m good with any quirks the author comes up with for characters regardless of gender, as long as the guy is manly and the woman is feminine.
I like it when the male and female characters complement each other well, like when one is horrible cook but the other one is a great cook. Stuff like that. It can be fun to see shakeups in the norms but either way it doesn’t matter that much to me.
LOLOL I have unmatched socks…but they always belong to my kiddos
After I wash the clothes, each person is responsible for matching their own socks.
I liked to see both genders doing different types of work. I like seeing the man in the kitchen & taking care of the children. I like the woman doing all kinds of other things.
I like then both doing different types of work. It shows they can be able to do anything if they try.
My older brother was nothing if not pragmatic when it came to socks. For quite a while he lived in a place with a shared laundry room. His definition of a pair of socks was any two socks found together in the laundry room on the same day. Obviously he had no interest in clothes horseplay in those days.
I used to keep track of a quote from sci-fi legend Robert Heinlein. It was a journal entry from one of the characters named Lazarus Long. It was this great big list of what a person should be able to do, everything from captaining a ship to changing a diaper and it ended with a comment that “specialization is for insects.”
I enjoy seeing strong abilities in both hero and heroine. Even the specific biblical role assignments are just that. God has a purpose in making His choice but it doesn’t mean the one assigned will be the most skillful at the job. No wonder our pride gets in the way. But we aren’t called to succeed at all costs. We are called to obey at all times. Something about God’s wisdom and knowledge being perfect. Remember God’s reply to Job? It essentially boils down to “Did you really just make the mistake of thinking that we were anywhere near being in the same league?”
So the assigned role of headship (as in whose head is on the line for the decisions made) in the context of a marriage is very specific. Outside of that? Have all the fun your God-given strengths provide regardless of your chromosomes!
I like that it is the boy who initiates the relationship and asks the girl out. Today he wants to break with that and tell the girl “hey you can go get him if you like and ask him out” but personally I don’t like him, more than because he considers this to be “male role” it is because I have seen too many boys that they will simply say yes to a girl because they think she is cute or she confessed.
That now the girl can confess too has made some men terribly lazy.
I saw a funny meme on Facebook recently that said something like those missing socks in your laundry come back as a Tupperware lids that don’t fit any of the containers in your cupboard. Funny stuff! I have to compliment my husband here, we have an old 50’s type hamper in our bedroom & he puts his clothes in there. I never have found piles of dirty laundry (let alone socks) on the floor :-)
As for gender roles, I have to agree with everyone here. I want a man helping with traditional women’s work and vise versa. I don’t want a man who’s domineering nor a woman who’s too delicate to the point of being helpless. I’m all for men opening doors for women and women allowing men to treat them like a lady. My husband does that for me, NOT because I can’t do it on my own, but because he shows respect & love for me. We’ve gotten a lot of compliments from couples when they see him opening my car door for me. Lastly, I also think there should be clear gender roles in some situations….I don’t want a man acting like a woman nor a woman acting like a man (if that even makes sense).
Has it! And I am not very attracted to a man who acts like a woman and has nothing to do with being a sensitive boy.