I turned forty-seven this year. No question about it: I’m closer to a seasoned crone than a fresh-faced debutante. As I get longer in the tooth, I’m increasingly drawn to writing stories about people my own age.
At around the half-century mark, life often looks rather different than it did twenty-odd years before. There’s a whole new dimension of interpersonal relationships that impact and complicate romance. Many people in my generation are dealing with the stresses that come when their sons and daughters are beginning to date, get married, and start families of their own.
Since I married relatively late, my daughters are still young. We measure their ages in the single digits, and boys, at the moment, are icky. But it won’t be long until our girls will get and maybe even seek male attention. And that makes me antsy. A therapist would perhaps tell me this is why my current project is about a mother who, in addition to dealing with her own complicated love life, becomes very concerned when her young adult daughter gets serious about a young man. I wouldn’t be the first author to use a story to probe into issues that have personal relevance.
I won’t reveal too much, but exploring the emotional landscape of a reluctant mother-in-law-to-be is proving to be an interesting journey, and is giving me many prayer points for my own children’s future love loves!
So, I’ll ask you the same question I’m pondering as I write this story. What qualities would you tell your daughter to look out for in a man? If you don’t have a daughter, what advice would you give your younger sister, friend, or any other young woman you care about? I value the wisdom in this community, and am very keen to hear your thoughts!
I write fiction that reflects my Christian faith. I love happy endings, heroes and heroines who discover sometimes hard but always vital truths, and stories that uplift and encourage. My family and I live in the east of England where we enjoy rambling in the countryside, reading good books and making up silly lyrics to our favorite songs.
Respect above all things – in every way.
I agree, Mary! Respect is extremely important.
A man who loves the Lord and puts Him first in his life.
A man who prays with you and over you. A man you can laugh with daily.
Excellent point! Thank you.
Those are definitely signs of a keeper! Thanks, Lelia.
My biggest thing would be if he’s a Christian, and not just a pew warmer. If he doesn’t like “organized religion” while you’re dating, he isn’t likely to change!! Church attendance does not a Christian make, so make sure he truly has a relationship with the Lord. A very good indication is if he reads his Bible, prays with you and for you, and respects you.
A man with a genuine relationship with Jesus, a man who is capable of protecting his family, providing for them, a man who can hunt, fix things, build things, and likes to read. Oh yes, and he should cook, be tidy, and make great coffee.
My list is pretty long but we live in incredibly uncertain times and a man who can’t MacGyver his way in life might become a liability. I think women should have the same qualifications. 😁 I’m only half joking. I think more people should be choosy and wait for the right person.
Excellent points, Trudy. Thanks!
Ha ha, quite a list, Dalyn! You’ve got some things on there I hadn’t considered.
Somebody that respects you in every way, you, your opinions, your thoughts, how you are. A loyal, honest man that cares for you and loves you for you.
Respect is coming up as a huge theme. Thank you, Alicia!
Hi, Milla! I would want my son-in-law to be a genuine man of God. He should cherish my little girl and protect her. I would want them to seek God together and find His provision for them. I would also want a son-in-law who would want to be a part of our family as well.
I would want to know that he treated his mother and sisters with kindness and respect. And I would want him to be humble enough to learn, not just from his mistakes but from the experience of others.
I would also want to know that when he sees me polishing my shotgun in his presence that I expect him to listen. :-)
I think the most important thing a young woman should consider in a man is his faith, whether he firmly believes in God and lives out those beliefs. I would also remind her that you cannot change a man, what you see is what you get, and to look at his father for an idea of what he may be like as he gets older. I would try to help my daughter steer away from what would only lead to heartbreak, whether that’s sex before marriage or falling for someone who doesn’t share her faith or outlook.
Ha ha! Great thoughts, Lincoln.
Very well put, Megan. I really like that you’ve raised the issue of how we don’t have the power to change anyone. Many girls are drawn to the idea of “fixing” somebody, and it has led to heartache.
I’d advise her to not be unequally yolked to someone who doesn’t share her faith and that it causes all sorts of trouble in the long run. Observe a man with his family & friends. How does he treat them? What kind of jokes does he tell, what kinds of conversations come out of his mouth? You can tell a lot by how a person acts or talks more than anything. I learned that one the hard way years ago.
Listen to your parents, if they don’t like the guy or gal, there’s always valid reason. And not just because they want to ruin your fun with the opposite sex. Another hard learned lesson. Though try to talk sense into a teenager who believes they are “in love” with that person, lol!
I would just encourage the daughter to be who she is and take her time to get to know the guy she’s interested in. Become friends first, that builds a strong foundation for possible love down the road. Find someone you can laugh with. And definitely have common ground on core issues, beliefs & morals.
Many have already mentioned it but it is important that the boy is a Christian! As a young woman I can say that I have been interested in non-Christian boys (we know that Christians boys do not fall from the sky) but when a boy does not share your faith Sooner or later in some talk he will say something that will hurt you and you will not be able to admire: about sex, clothing, spirituality, goals in life, etc. hanging out with a man who doesn’t follow God will make you feel morally superior in some cases and is a bad idea in a relationship.
He should not be jealous, this is important nowadays with social networks it is a headache when a boyfriend or husband spies / checks all the time the “likes” or contacts of his girl waiting to find a man or feel jealous of any friend.
And apart from everything mentioned (respect for both sides, things in common, etc) be patient: sometimes when you are a young woman the boys around you can be somewhat immature, sometimes they need time to grow with God and then think about girlfriends, don’t hurry, And keep friendships pure: hugs, holding hands, kisses for play may be common among mixed friends around the world but it is not something that a Christian girl should allow: it makes friendship rare.
And finally: don’t be anyone’s emotional nurse, you don’t have the power to change him, you’re not his mother, if he doesn’t want to change anything, it will not help if you repeat it a thousand times and don’t think that by lending your shoulder to a boy, listening to his complaints and life expectancies he “someday will look at you” if he does not appreciate you in a romantic way, he does not like you and he is not interested in God, pray for him, preach to him and go!
And who knows … if the boy is a Christian and has shown that he appreciates you, maybe he just needs a little space and stop taking you for granted to realize that he loves you as more than a friend ;D
Before you fall in love, you have to be friends first. This man will be with you for the rest of your lives. You may or may not be blessed with children. You need to make sure that you have things in common to sustain a relationship.
You need to look for honesty, integrity as well as a man who loves the Lord. Look at how he treats his own family. He will treat you the same way in a relationship. Do not think that you can change him and mold him to be the person you want him to be. It will only create arguments.
Thank you for sharing. God bless you.
True Christian ❤️
I make sure he really loves her. He cares & would do anything for her. He’s got a smart head on him & a great presonality
His personality for sure. I would want him to know he’s putting his whole life into that one person & had children they have. To really love her
Fantastic, advice, Trixi! That is absolute gold. Thank you!
Wow, Lilly, so much wisdom in there. Absolutely brilliant points, and well made, too. Thank you!
Great stuff, Debra. More gold standard advice. Thank you!
To the point, and to the heart of the matter. Thank you, Natalya!
Very important, Amy. Because if he’s not treating her well now when the relationship is new and shiny, it doesn’t bode well for the future. Thank you!
Super important, I agree. Thank you, Sylvain!
I would tell her to look for someone who is kind, intelligent and considerate with a sense of humor.
All these comments are great advice! And I definitely agree with him being a follower of Christ and living it out. From that relationship will flow everything else and to every aspect of his life (how he treats his girl, how he respects her, loves her, etc.).