One of my guilty pleasures, that I justify under the guise of relationship research, is reading some of the varied relationship advice forums out there on the Internet.
I enjoy reading the scenarios (even if they’re made up) and considering what I would do if they were my characters. How would I make it worse? Or fix it? What would they need to do to get back on track?
I also enjoy reading the advice given by either professional advice columnists or random people who think they know how to help. Sometimes it’s good. Often it really isn’t.
One of the recurring themes I see when I venture into reader groups is complaints about characters who could solve their problems if they just sat down and had a conversation. And, as a reader myself, I can agree that that’s frustrating. There have been any number of books where I’ve wanted to reach into the pages and give each of them a little shake and say, “Hey! Go talk!”
But you know what?
It’s more common that you’d think. So many times in these online discussions, the scenario is as follows: One of them does something that makes the other one mad. They yell. One or both of them decide to give the other the silent treatment. One of them goes online saying, “What do I do? I am trying to talk but they won’t return my text/answer the phone/speak to me.”
And really at the end of the day? They could fix their problems if they’d sit down and talk to one another. So hey, maybe when that happens in books it’s more realistic than you’d like to believe!
What’s at the heart of many breakups? Bad communication.
Of course, when I look at these relationship problems through the lens of the Bible, it’s trickier. I’m reasonably certain that Jesus doesn’t want us give someone the silent treatment. Certainly, there are times to keep a bridle on ones tongue, but that’s not really what the silent treatment and the refusal to talk through a problem is. In fact, we’re instructed in the Bible not to let the sun go down on our anger — that’s the exact opposite of the silent treatment.
That said, I also think it’s realistic (and reasonable) to take a moment to step back in the midst of an argument. The key, in real life at least, is to say something along the lines of, “You know what? I am not in the headspace where we can have a productive conversation and find resolution right now. I need a few minutes.”
My husband and I have both used that (or something similar) many times in our 28 years married.
But can you imagine that in a romance novel? Yawn. How boring to have two incredibly mature and in control of their emotions people disagreeing pleasantly with one another and calmly and rationally attacking every problem. (Also, I don’t know that that can happen in a real relationship.) And this is coming from someone who really doesn’t love high angst high drama books!
So what’s my point? (It’s a good question.)
I guess it’s this: give writers some grace.
With this topic, and a whole bunch of others lately, I’ve been seeing more and more readers jumping into what I call “pile on” mode. One reader will say, “I hate when they could solve their problems by talking to each other.” And then people chime in in the comments, “Yeah! That’s the worst. It’s so lazy and awful!” or “Wow, I have never read a billionaire romance but they’re stupid and I hate them.” And people jump in “Yeah! So dumb and unrealistic! And Christians should be ashamed for thinking it could ever be otherwise.” And so on. And so forth.
Because with any of these reader preferences, there’s going to be a good reason the writer chose to go that route. And also? There are other readers out there who maybe don’t think it’s so bad. But they’ll join the pile on because of peer pressure and then suddenly, you’re missing out on fantastic books and authors are getting discouraged and going out to find new careers, depriving us of even more amazing books.
Have you ever been one to give the silent treatment? Or been on the receiving end of it? I’d also love for you to share a conflict resolution tip that you’ve found beneficial in your life and relationships!
Elizabeth Maddrey is a semi-reformed computer geek and homeschooling mother of two who lives in the suburbs of Washington D.C. When she isn’t writing, Elizabeth is a voracious consumer of books. She loves to write about Christians who struggle through their lives, dealing with sin and receiving God’s grace on their way to their own romantic happily ever after.
I’m very guilty of giving the silent treatment. Or, silence punctuated with snarky comments. I can’t stand myself when I behave like that, and it’s an area in which I’m slowly growing.
One of the best conflict resolution tips I’ve learned is nothing new, but it’s very effective: instead of talking about what the person did, talk about how it made you feel when they did it. That comes across as much less accusatory.
And the other great tip is to delete the phrases “you always” and “you never” from my vocabulary. (As in, “You never pick up your socks!” or “You always stay up too late.”) Those phrases tend to make a person feel attacked.
Also, the couple fighting scenes are always my favourite to write in my stories, haha. Am I weird?
A college friend suddenly started giving me the silent treatment without explanation, I tried to talk to him but he just didn’t want to or he insisted that “nothing’s wrong” and then he ignored me again, none of our mutual friends know what was wrong with him so with the As the weeks passed, I stopped trying to greet him or talk to him because he simply ignored me. I also gave up asking him to talk.
Then I found out from a mutual friend that apparently this boy liked me and he still started dating another girl but he got angry because I didn’t seem to care about this fact…that is, we were just friends and he never expressed interest in me. And you expected me to make a scene of jealousy? I recently tried to greet him again when we bumped into each other and he returned my greeting but nothing more…I think the semi-silent treatment in this case might be wise…
Absolutely not weird! I like writing them too. Or maybe I’m also weird, lol.
And that is a fantastic conflict resolution tip.
Oh my! Yeah in this case you tried and his reason was rather odd. Goodness. But I’m also sorry that your friend treated you that way, because it’s unkind.
Hi Elizabeth! Interesting topic today. Having lived in a male dominate household most of my life, I might perceive the silent treatment in a variety of ways. My guys deal with stress by ranting and raving. I have learned not to take it personally. Be silent – let them get it out of their system. At time Silence is Golden! Maybe perceived in a variety of ways and much depends on how a person was raised and the hurts brought into a relationship. Over the years I have also learned to count to ten, before making a reply. My German mom called me “Kleine Here! Little Witch!” whenever she was annoyed or angry with me. It was hurtful and I void never to do the same to my children, therefore counting to ten! Conflict and misunderstandings are part of life and a well crafted story. Happy Holidays.
Milla! Excellent points. I count to ten to avoid snarky comments. Yep phrases like “you always” drive me crazy, but it does help identify the other person’s unmet expectations. Disagreements are needed to make a story, but as a reader I am frustrated with a continuous repetitive argument throughout the story. Happy Holidays.
Counting before responding is so important. I have to do that (with my kids especially) – sometimes even to the point of walking away and saying I need a minute. Because yeah, there’s no benefit to name calling ever.
I’ve been on the receiving end! I’m the type that I NEED to get it out, and once it’s over, it’s over. One of my sisters, though, is great at the silent treatment, and I’d get it a LOT while we were growing up!! I’d even go to Mom and tell her to make my sister talk to me! Other than that, I’ve not dealt with it at all. Honestly, some conflict (if handled correctly) can be good for relationships, because we aren’t all alike, just like all books aren’t the same. God made us each differently, and we need to learn how to interact with each other.
Oh my. I find it so hard when someone freezes me out like that.
I am definitely more of a shouter than someone who uses silence (this isn’t good either and I am working on it). I was raised in a house with a lot of shouting where arguments were loud but over quickly. My late mother in law was a big user of the silent treatment, she often wouldn’t speak to my father in law for over a week and with other family it could be months. My husband had a tendency to moody silences when we first married but he doesn’t really do it now, I think partly because every time he did iused to point out he was being just like his mother.
I think the best advice for relationship conflicts I’ve had came from my mum – instead of assuming the worst about the other person’s motives for acting, always assume that they are doing their best and not deliberately trying to upset you or do something wrong. It really makes you think about the other person’s point of view which is a good place to start from as you try to communicate and find a solution. My mum is very good at seeing the beat in people, it’s more of a work in progress for me.
I have given my husband the silent treatment for a short period of time. I am the one that usually breaks it. I remember that the Bible says not to let the sun go down on your wrath. So we end up discussing the issue. Thank you for sharing. God bless you.
It’s good that you come back and talk it through!
Firstly I am going the last question first. I am currently giving someone the silent treatment. Due to inapproprate comments which did not need to be said and now a justifying them which is making the person sound like a creep.
On the reading forums of advice I have to say watch a youtube channel on am I the Jerk (they filter all the bad language on this one) and it is actually interesting. but I digress.
I have read books where I have thought if they just talked it would help but the ones that annoy me are often full of angsts on one persons part where the character is very shallow , insecure and often shouldn’t be due to the nature of the character and I just want to hit them in the head to knock sense into them. The ones where yes a talk would have helped but you see what they are thinking and can see why they think that way I don’t get as annoyed with.
I have said I don’t like certain genres and I admit I am not a big billionaire reader but I think I am like you with Cowboys not a trope i go to but then the ones I have read I have enjoyed (all but one which I struggled with but it was a me issue not a book issue). (I am someone who probably needs to read a blurb not the trope).
Thanks for the insights I will try to make sure I don’t join pile ons,
I can’t imagine you joining a pile on :)
And walking away for a time is different, subtly, from the silent treatment. (In my mind at least)
your post is spot on. I truly believe that communication is such an integral part of any relationship. from little things to big things. I watched my parents where one was loud and well you get the idea and the other was quiet and tried to talk. this was confusing growing up but as an adult, it was a great learning experience. so when I married and my husband was the silent, easy going type until the dam burst. and I was the quiet and let things roll off my back until the dam burst. we learned real quick that we didnt want our children to see us at such odds. so we devised a system between the two of us that forty years still works. communication is the ultimate key. and I mean talking, not yelling. both of our two kiddos (now 39 and 37) have seen mom and dads relationship and many others and have devised their own ideas with their spouses/significant others. God intended for us to work together. and that is what we try hard to do. so worth it.