Life here has been a bit of a challenge this past year. In September, my mom lost her nine-year battle with ovarian cancer. We’d known it was coming – she’d been declining since February and started to slide quickly at the end of summer. But it still hit hard.
I don’t know that there’s anything that can prepare you for loss. (Any sort of loss.) In my mind, I can take great comfort in the knowledge that Mom is with Jesus. But my heart still aches.
In my mind, I can reflect on the incredible legacy of pro-life work that Mom left. But my heart still aches.
In my mind, there are lots of positive, happy memories. But, you guessed it, my heart still aches.
Three months later, the grief still sneaks up on me as harsh and raw as it was the morning my Dad called to say Mom was gone. For every day of those three months, I would sit down and stare at my computer and try to write. Sometimes, I’d manage a word or two. Sometimes I could zoom through a chapter or more. And sometimes I’d stare at the blinking cursor until tears blurred it into nothing and I’d close the document and sob.
Mom was my biggest fan. (I think all writers say that to some degree, but my mom loved the written word. She wrote non-fiction and had had dreams of writing fiction that she tried to follow but never made happen. She always said how amazed she was that I could put stories together and have them turn out.) She was my first reader, and she kept me from having entirely too many eye rolls and winks in my novels. Whenever I’d send her a new, just finished book, she’d call me as she read it. Sometimes the phone would ring six times in five minutes as she had to share what made her laugh or didn’t make sense.
I miss her.
The temptation to curl into myself–into my grief–was strong. (Some days, it still is.) But in addition to being my biggest fan, my mom was the first to tell me to get to work. She (and my dad) was a firm believer in the good ol’ protestant work ethic. It didn’t matter if you felt like it. It didn’t matter if you were tired or hurting or sick at heart–you did the work, because God created us to work. The first thing God gave Adam–even before He gave him Eve–was a job. (Genesis 2:15)
So I wrote.
Most days, I didn’t want to. (Ask Valerie, I whined to her a lot.) But I did it. And, when I grumbled too much, I could hear Mom in my head urging me to hush and do the work, but to do it as unto the Lord (Colossians 3:23-24).
So I wrote with a slightly lighter heart.
There were more lemons this fall beyond Mom passing. My husband’s grandparents both joined my mom in heaven, and so there was travel for funerals and time with extended family. My sister is going through a big upheaval in her life, and I’ve been trying to be there for her and help her shoulder the stress that goes with moving house.
What I found, though, is that work is good. It relieves stress because it brings purpose. And, although it took me longer than I would have liked to do, when I finished this most recent manuscript and realized I was still on track for my projected (and desired) publication date in February, I admitted that once again, Mom was right.
God designed us to work. I work for His glory. I write for His glory. And I’m grateful that even in stressful, unhappy periods of my life, I’m able to persevere and finish the race set before me without giving up.
What have you done lately that you maybe didn’t feel like doing, but got through anyway?
To celebrate completing my draft, I’m offering one commenter their choice of my existing books (in ebook form).
MJSH says
I’m sorry for the grief and loss that you and your family are enduring. But God, in His infinite wisdom, helps us even through such mundane thing as work, doesn’t He?
Wemble says
Hi Elizabeth, prayers to you and your family. Loss is never easy, but praise God for the hope of eternity together that makes it bearable.
Our best friends have just moved, a beautiful family who we spent lots of time with, prayed with and shared awesome outdoor adventures. They love and accept out boys, are patient with them and we love them. Now, with them moving further away, it will be harder to catch up- and it has made my husband and I feel a deep sense of loss- might sound crazy, but we feel like every time we make wonderful friends, they move away. We still remain friends- it is just harder when they are so far away. God is reminding us that we have each other and most importantly Him- and I pray He continues to do so. I also pray that He continues to comfort and strengthen you and your family Elizabeth.
Blessings:)
Paula Marie says
First let me offer you my condolences once more on the passing of your mom… I am truly sorry for the grief you are suffering. Praying for you!
I, too, was raised in a working family, there were very few reasons not to get up and go to work each day. I can say that I am still the same way…a few times my boss has had to tell me to leave work because my sneezing and coughing were scaring the other employees!
Bless you for continuing to write, as your stories bring such joy to so many people!
Elizabeth Maddrey says
Thanks. Yes, He really does.
Elizabeth Maddrey says
Big hugs. I know exactly how you feel re: your friends always moving. We live in an area that has a big military population, so people are always coming and going, and it seems like we end up with the closest connections to people who are gone in 18 months to 2 years. It’s HARD. And yes, you can keep up with them, but it’s not the same.
Elizabeth Maddrey says
There are downsides, for sure, sometimes ;) (I am usually good about keeping my germs to myself, but it’s hard — because I know I’m okay, even if I sound awful, and I’d just as soon work as not!)
Thanks for your prayers – I appreciate them!
Renate says
Hi Elizabeth! Thanks for your honest blog about loss. Prayers to you and your family. As a retiree on frigid snowy morning, I feel like closing Oma Daycare and crawl into bed with a good book and cup of hot chocolate. With my oldest son being on the other side of the world on business, this Oma is exhausted from twelve hour days of care giving duties and it is only Tuesday. For the last twenty years I have been a care giver. During twelve of those years I was still working full time as a high school teacher. First I cared for my aging parents and since 2013 for my grandchildren. The memories are worth every exhausting minute, plus I get paid in hugs and kisses. Have to run! Grandkids will be arriving soon. Best wishes. One day, hour, minute at a time.
Elizabeth Maddrey says
Hugs! You definitely know the value of work (and the hard, push through the day sometimes because that’s just what you do aspect of it!) I hope you have a lovely day at Oma Daycare :)
Ellie says
I can only imagine the pain you feel at the loss of your mom. I’m sorry you are experiencing that. My mom was recently hospitalized and in rehab and now cannot live alone without assistance. There are so many decisions to make, etc. and it has become very stressful. I agree with you that work is a break! I really like my job and am thankful for the time I can spend there and view it as a break from caretaking. I think I’ve always viewed work as an escape from the problems of life which is a huge blessing!
Elizabeth Maddrey says
Oh – that’s such a hard transition for children to become caregivers and figure out the best way to manage it for everyone involved.
Hugs.
Renate says
Hi Ellie, my prayers are with you. I had to make those hard decisions with my father in 2008. While at first he wasn’t happy about being in assisted living, he came to call his retirement home “the villa.” He loved the activities – game nights, Bible Study, exercise, movie nights and more. I wasn’t responsible 24 / 7 and could continue working at the job I love teaching school. Dad lived to be 96 – 6 years in assisted living. Best wishes.
Tracey Hagwood says
Yes to everything you have shared. I lost my mom unexpectedly in 2001, the most devastating thing I’ve ever experienced so I really do understand. She was my best friend. God helped me through the grief and loss and I know He will do that for you too.
It does take time to wade through it all. You are on the right track, just keep putting one foot in front of the other. Your mom knew that was the right thing, moms always encourage their children in the right direction. I pray He brings you comfort and peace and the ability to remember all the good things about having your mom as your mom. Hugs to you Elizabeth.
Elizabeth Maddrey says
Thanks, Tracey!
Lelia (Lucy) Reynolds says
I’m so sorry for your losses. I’m also dealing with grief as my dear, sweet 12 year old nephew committed suicide two weeks ago, so we traveled to WI to support my sister and family. I used to babysit him and remember holding him the day he was born. I’ve been helping my parents as neither are well. Hubby was unemployed through all the holidays,but is working again. PTL It is hard but I choose to Praise Him in the Storm. Blessings
Elizabeth Maddrey says
So many hugs. I’ll be praying for your family. That’s horrifically difficult.
Valerie Comer says
Oh , Lucy. I’ve been there with a niece, not quite three years ago. She was in her early 30s. So, so much pain for the family, but YES we have to choose joy in Jesus. It feels like disloyalty sometimes…
Valerie Comer says
Big, big hugs, Elizabeth. My mom knew I was writing, but she died in November, 2010, about three months before I sold my first novella to Barbour. My dad was gone before that, so neither of them lived to hold any of my books in their hands. I hope they would have been pleased. My dad was a writer. He wrote the most terrible poetry when Mom told him it was time for him to write letters to my older sisters — they wrote every week in the days before email and cheap phone calls! While I was rarely the recipient (I’m much younger) I was often talked about in them. Man, I need to dig those things out. It’s been a while since I read them…
Also, Inspy Romance peeps? I beta read Elizabeth’s next book and finished it last night. Her Peacock Hill Romances keep getting better and better, and the struggles she felt in getting the tale down don’t show. You’re going to love this one.
Nicole Santana says
I am truly sorry for your loss. The man I could count on as my big brother for the last 14 years unexpectedly died this past June. I totally relate to those moments the grief sneaks up on you and steals your very breath away. But, God does help so much. As soon as I feel the grief I lean into Him.
I will admit that I struggle to go to work sometimes. I’m a teacher. I love my students. It’s not classtime I struggle with at all. It’s the 99 million teacher meetings and PD that force teachers to miss days in their classroom. I hate them. In 14 years of teaching, I’ve maybe only been two 2-3 of these meetings where I got something of value. It’s a real struggle for me to be forced into these settings when my kids need me in my classroom.
Elizabeth Maddrey says
Aww, thanks Valerie! <3
And ha – you need to share the poetry with us :)
Elizabeth Maddrey says
Hugs.
Teaching is such a hard but valuable job! Thanks for doing it and loving those kids!
Lila Diller says
Thank you for sharing your grief. I will pray for you.
I am in the middle of a task that I don’t want to do but need to press through. It’s recording my audiobook. Such a simple thing, but my allergies and almost constantly loud house while the kids are awake make it difficult to find a good time when my voice is good enough.
Elizabeth Maddrey says
Oh gosh – that’s a big undertaking. I toy with doing mine myself but would run up against those same issues so ended up finding narrators who would do royalty share. Much smoother process!
Autumn Macarthur says
Hugs, Elizabeth. Praying for you and Lynellen. <3
Priscila says
I’m so sorry about your mom. I have no idea what I’d do without mine. I’m not ready to think that far, but it can happen anytime and I know that whenever that happens, I’m not going to be ready for it.
I’m having some hard time at work. I know I’m focusing on the wrong tasks (but they are easier to do and have a quick finish date) instead of on the things that will get to further my career. It’s hard to change though.
Diana says
After 30 plus years of home daycare, homeschooling our youngest and teaching kids Sunday school and Wednesday nights, I’m watching my two year old granddaughter during the day. It’s a fun retirement. I’m really blessed we’re able to be near all our kids and grandchildren.
Our parents and my brother passed away quite a while ago. It does get better. Blessings!
Margaret Nelson says
Losing our moms is hard. My mom has been gone 13 years now! At the time she passed away, I was so busy helping my dad with stuff, there never was a good time to cry, so I had to keep stuffing it down. I wish I could have “let loose” one time. Anyway, prayers are with you!
Elizabeth Maddrey says
Thank you Autumn!
Linda Hogue says
Hello my friend, yes I do consider you a friend. I have loved all your books and look forward to your latest one. I have read them all! I’m so sorry to hear about your losing your mom. May God grant you peace in this year to come. Love You my dear friend!
Elizabeth Maddrey says
I don’t think you can ever be ready.
Praying for you and your work!
Elizabeth Maddrey says
Thanks!
Elizabeth Maddrey says
Oh big hugs. Thanks for praying!
Elizabeth Maddrey says
Thanks , Linda! <3
Kerri Norrod says
Elizabeth I am so sorry for your loss. May God grant you peace and comfort.
Elizabeth Maddrey says
Thank you, Kerri!
Audrey Stewart says
I lost my sister to ovarian cancer. Her’s was a 4 year struggle. She left behind a 4 year old son and a 14 year old daughter. I never knew a sadness like that, that overcame me. I would hear this noise coming from my mouth, that I never knew. She was just 13 months older than me, and we were best friends. I am so sorry for your loss. I just know that one day I will be with her. And I do believe that.
Elizabeth Maddrey says
Big, big hugs. It’s such a horrible disease.
It is a comfort to know we’ll be reunited one day.
Linda Orr says
Thank you so much for sharing this Elizabeth! I really needed this and am going to save it to keep on reading it. I have been struggling for three years with the loss of my father and daughter and just can’t seem to go on. Reading is a great benefit, but I need to find some purpose in life again as you say. I never saw keeping busy from the perspective you wrote about.
Elizabeth Maddrey says
Big hugs, Linda. It’s so hard, but I hope you’re able to find something that helps you reclaim your purpose and joy.
Kelley Blair says
My heart is with you. I didn’t want to purge but I did. I’m still working on it.
Jackie Smith says
Hugs & Prayers for you, Elizabeth. I lost my Mom in 2003 and still miss her! God will help you through this.
Blessings~~~~
Elizabeth Maddrey says
Thank you. Purging is so hard!
Elizabeth Maddrey says
Thank you. Hugs right back.
Ellie says
Thanks, Renate! One of the things I’ve had to learn is that it’s okay for others to take care of my mom and I don’t have to do it all – whether it’s home health or assisted living. It is encouraging to hear assisted living worked well for your dad.
Melynda says
I’m so sorry for your loss. As my children get older, I become more aware of what a great loss it will be to one day lose my parents. I’m not sure why my children’s growth brings that to reality for me, but it does. I’m sure your mom is proud of how you’re seeking to honor God and her memory as you work your way through the grief.
Natalya Lakhno says
Elizabeth, I’m sorry for your loss <3 God bless you and your family! You will see your mom again :) isn't it great?
Elizabeth Maddrey says
Thanks! I think our kids help us see so much – I definitely feel like missing mom is harder some days because I know what my kids are missing on top of my own loss
Elizabeth Maddrey says
It is so great! The hope we have in Christ is amazing.
Chanel Monroe says
I’m sorry for your loss. I pray that your days get easier and God will give you peace and comfort for your soul.
Lisa says
In November, 2 days before my birthday, my 2 youngest grandchildren were removed from their mother’s (my daughter) custody by social services. They were moved to their father who works a 2nd shift job. He has no family in this area except for us, so in order to make sure my grandchildren are taken care of I am watching them at his home from after school until he gets home, which has been 2 am due to working 12 hour shifts. I drive home, go to bed and get up to work my full-time job as an instructional assistant for students with special needs. It’s exhausting but God has been faithful! He has provided some help so I don’t have to stay every night and I am very thankful for that. He has also given me strength to make it through a lot of school days functioning on 3 hours of sleep. “Great is Thy faithfulness, Lord, unto me!”