Almost everyone has a dating past, but some of us have more of a past than others. When it comes to romance, those pasts can be even trickier to deal with.
I’ve got to be honest, though. I was twenty-one when I got married. My dating “past” is pretty finite. I was talking to someone recently, though, who is middle-age-ish and who hasn’t been married yet. She’s still hoping and praying for the man God has for her. When I said something – to be honest, I don’t remember exactly what – about dating someone with a past, she just laughed and said, “At my age, everyone has a past.”
Her comment – more than whatever I said, obviously – got me to thinking. I write a fair number of characters who have a past. Sometimes it’s a difficult upbringing or some other sort of trauma. I don’t write a lot of characters, though, who have a colorful dating/relationship past. That may well be my own life experience seeping into my fiction.
So I thought I’d ask you all some questions. We’ll call it research. 😊
Whether you’re single or not, have a colorful past or one that’s more monochrome – it doesn’t matter. I’d love your input! Pick any question you want, and answer it in the comments below. As a bonus, one commenter will be randomly selected to receive a $5 Amazon gift card.
- How much do you tell the new person you’re dating? Do you lay it all out there on the first date, or do you wait till date three? Or until there’s a ring on the finger? (Not the latter, I hope!)
- What about when you move past casual dating and things get really serious but you still can’t quite let your own past go? You’ve moved on. You’re not enslaved by the past – but the emotions from your past still burble to the surface sometimes. Maybe you dated someone who told you that you were dumb/unattractive/too needy/fill-in-the-blank a lot, and those insecurities are hard to let go of. Maybe someone cheated on you, and you have a hard time trusting. Maybe something happened in your past that has made you afraid of certain situations. What do you do when those types of emotions threaten your new relationship? And what can your current dating partner do to help when those things come up?
- If you have an insecurity that is crippling your ability to form lasting bonds with other people (a romantic person, in particular), what can help you to overcome it?
- What kinds of relationship pasts are easier to overcome? Which types are harder to overcome?
- And here’s a hard one. Do we as Christians have a double standard? Are certain kinds of pasts forgivable for a man while making a woman completely undatable?
I know that the biblical answer for almost all of this is that if the past has been repented of, we shouldn’t hold it against someone. If God’s forgiven it, we shouldn’t hold onto it – whether it’s our past or the other person’s. But…sometimes those spiritual truths that we know to be real are difficult for us to live out. Sometimes our insecurities, fears, self-doubt, and other emotions get the better of us. And that’s okay. God is with us in those moments, too. One of the fun things about writing fiction is that I get to create those moments of crisis…and then I get to resolve them so everyone gets a happy ending.
I look forward to reading your answers!!
Heather Gray loves coffee, God, her family, and laughter – not necessarily in that order! She writes approachable characters who, through the highs and lows of life, find a way to love God, embrace each day, and laugh out loud right along with her. And, yeah, her books almost always have someone who's a coffee addict. Some things just can't be helped. Despite their different lives and situations, Heather’s characters have something in common. They're all flawed...but loved anyway.
Ironically I am more mature as you would say and haven’t really dated. I had a holiday romance if you call it that myself and this guy were the youngest on the bus tour and got on well. We did go on a sort of date to the Movies and saw Dirty Dancing. I was bullied in high school it was partly sexual harrassment so that brought with it lots of issues. Just to have this guy put an arm around me took time as part of harassment was being groped. So I had insecurities that made it hard to trust. I wouldn’t called it a real relationship. I do however think the harassment in high school did and still does affect me.
I’m an “older” woman, and I’ve not dated much. There were plenty of guys that I was friends with over the years, though. There was one guy I did date that informed me were going to date for two years and then get married. Uh, no, it didn’t take me long to realize I did NOT want to marry him!! I still wouldn’t mind if Mr. Right for Me came along, but I’ve been content to be single. I had never lived totally on my own until Mom passed away, and I have to say, I do kind of like it!! There are times when I’ve had to make some decisions that I’ve wished there was someone else to help make them, but then again, the other person may not have been much help!!
I didn’t marry until I was 41, and didn’t have much of a dating past/history. I did tell my now husband about that one previous serious relationship. But there wasn’t much I felt I needed to reveal, but still maybe not on that first date!
I feel like you shouldn’t tell all on the first date, wait a little until you feel comfortable with the person you are dating, I think 2 people that really care for each other should be able to tell each other everything, the past is the past talk about it and take one day at a time .Have a great weekend. These questions are all good ones.
I don’t think all the past details need to come out early, but I do think they should be discussed and dealt with before you’re serious. There’s usually a time when a newer couple isn’t quite serious, but you can tell you’re headed that way. This when I think those things should be broached.
I was 30 when I got married, I had dated some but not lots (although I suppose that depends on your definition of lots! I had had three guys I went on more than a couple of dates with/was in relationships with before my now husband).
1. I definitely wouldn’t give lots of Information on a first date – I think you want to keep it light and fun to begin with, it takes time to build trust and get to know someone and share about their past
There’s a TV programme in the UK that I don’t know if it has a US version or a version in other countries called ‘First Dates’ where you watch people who have been matched up go on their first dinner date. It’s a real mix of people, different ages, religions, people who have been married before and people who have always been single. There is an interview before so you learn a bit about them and the experiences they have and it’s really interesting to see how this influences how they behave and what they tell their dates. I find it fascinating seeing how different people interact.
share as you go
Question #2 is the only one I can come close to answering… Before I got married (a bazillion years ago) I had a very active dating life. Nothing crazy, but I dated a lot. When my then husband ran away from home for someone I considered a friend. I was flummoxed. I had no idea… or at least a very, very small idea when he started a workout regime. Because of that, I do have trust issues. Both with choosing friends and with the possibility of dating again. That was 1999. I have had one date since then. Despite my friends and co-workers trying to fix me up. (That one date was a co-worker fix-up… awful and so not for me.) I don’t have any interest in entering the drama of dating again. I am mostly content being single. Even so, there are times I wish I had someone to cuddle up on the sofa and read together… or watch tv, etc. I’ve left all that up to God. If He has someone for me, I’m praying He will make it totally obvious to me, ‘cuz I’m a little slow on the uptake.
There are things about my past that I would not want people to know. I’d only tell if I saw a real future with the person.
And here’s a hard one. Do we as Christians have a double standard? Are certain kinds of pasts forgivable for a man while making a woman completely undatable? I do believe that a lot of Christians have double standards. I was raised as a christian. But I was also raised to let everyone be who God meant them to be. Sometimes that is hard, but once I got the idea that we are all Gods children, it became easier. I think that man or woman, certain things in the past eat away at the future. But is the person working on fixing it, or living in it, maybe hiding it? This and so many other questions are what dating is meant for. Do we open up about everything on the first date? No, but enough that we can start to date and find out about each other. God has intended us to love each other like Jesus. But if we cant trust the other person, I feel like we need to pray about it and ask God what He would want us to do.
I’m so sorry to hear that! The things we experience as children – whether it’s in the home or at school – can cause deep and lasting scars, many of which we don’t fully understand until we’re years past those actual experiences. It’s hard enough to connect with people in today’s world, and carrying those kinds of hurts only makes it worse. Hugs!!
Being told that you’re going to date and then get married – that made me laugh! I wonder if he ever found someone willing to follow his plan or if he had to adjust his plan for real life. ^_^ I know someone in their early 30s who made a recent decision to look for a different church, and when I asked why, the answer I got was, “I don’t want to die alone.” They’ve been at the same church for decades, and when you already know everybody in the dating pool and when none of those people are “the one” it can be discouraging, especially when you have a strong desire to get married and have a family. At the same time, though, I know people who are in similar situations but who are perfectly content in their singleness. I guess in the long run, it comes down to being content where God has you (in life and in church)…but also being discerning so that you know when God is directing you toward change.
I’m glad you’re enjoying living on your own!
Haha! Duly noted – not on the first date! ^_^ Thanks for stopping by the blog today!!
I would hold my cards pretty close to my chest until I knew the person enough and found them trustworthy.
I struggled a lot (and still struggle sometimes) with things I can’t let go. J have been cheated on multiple times by previous ex-boyfriends. Even now being married (when my husband gives me zero reason to think he’d do the same) I still will have moments where I am insecure and fearful that he will decide to find someone more interesting than me. I feel like this comes a lot from feeling like I need to ‘earn’ love. But I am working on knowing my with is in Christ and has nothing to with what I try to do to earn that love, because I can’t. Christ has already claimed me as his and I am worth of love.
I normally try to journal and process why I am feeling the way I am and spend more time in scripture. I recognize when I’m feeling like that that my mind needs a reset. My husband would remind me how much he loves me and reminds me that I need to trust him. I remind myself that my husband is not the previous men and I shouldn’t let their mistakes color my relationship with my husband. My husband is very good at calming me down and not escalating my feeing. He knows exactly to say and how to ease my fears and is incredibly kind and gentle with me. He is a very sweet man.
I think abuse (physical or mental) would be incredibly difficult to overcome. I don’t know if any ‘relationships pasts’ are easy to overcome.
And here’s a hard one. Do we as Christians have a double standard? Are certain kinds of pasts forgivable for a man while making a woman completely undatable?
As a women I don’t think things are more forgivable for a man than they are for a women. Women and men still end up with children, have sex before marriage, cheat and are cheated on. I do however feel like it is often hard to date christians because some will seem like ‘such a good Christian’ and then you quickly see the truth when you get to know them more. It’s incredible what a facade people can wear.
Thanks for commenting, Alicia! You have a really good point. When we care for each other, we should be able to talk. I think there’s a level of trust that comes with that kind of relationship. Trust can be tricky for people – the ways we do (and don’t) trust others usually come with a lifetime of experience to back it up. Interesting food for thought.
Good insight, Melynda! I don’t know how people get through all those angsty new relationship feelings and phases without God. There is so much opportunity for insecurity early in relationships and such a great, great need for prayer just so you can survive those early stages. (Or maybe that’s just me. ^_^) You’re so right, though. There is a point where you just have that feeling that things are going in a long-term direction – and if you’re going to keep going down that road, you need to discuss and deal with the big stuff.
Oh wow! That sounds so interesting! I could watch it and call it research! Even though my husband and I knew each other for 5-6 years before we ever dated, our first date was still awkward. Don’t get me wrong – it was also great. But still awkward. (I’m the absolute worst at making small talk. He had to carry all of the conversation. Actually…now that I think about it, he kind of still has to carry all of the conversations…) ^_^
Great input! Thank you for stopping by today!
I’m so sorry for what you went through! And I completely understand how that would lead to some trust issues. To speak to the second part of what you said – I’ve told my husband that if anything ever happens to him, I’m never getting married again. Before marriage comes dating, and there’s no way that I’m brave enough to enter the dating world again. I’ve reached a point in my life where I don’t want to second-guess my outfit or wonder if I’ve said the right thing (because it’s almost a guarantee that I will have said the wrong thing). I’m with you – that drama just isn’t for me. Shudder.
Thank you for sharing. I will answer a bit of one and two. No, I did not lay it all on the line on the first day. I do not think I did it on the third date either. As we became closer, I felt more comfortable sharing my trama with my now husband. I had been date raped in college. It is not something that I had dwelt with until after we were married. I had shared some aspects with him while we were dating, but the trama did not fully manifest itself until after we were married. He has been so supportive of all I have been through. I feel there are somethings that are not secrets, but should not be shared if it brings too much trama to you. You can give a short explaination, but the intimate details do not need to be shared. God bless you.
That makes such good sense, Mary! And especially in today’s social media world – sharing those parts of ourselves with others is scary, especially if you don’t fully trust that person to (a) keep it confidential and (b) not judge you but rather love you.
Very good points, Lori!
I have a chicken-and-egg question, though. Do we only go on that first date with someone if we trust them? Or do we go on a few dates so that we can determine if we can trust that person? (I’m not sure there’s a right or wrong. I think discernment and prayer are big parts of the equation. But I’d love to hear your thoughts!)
I am currently in counseling at age 54 bcz I have severe PTSD and very complicated grief depression bcz I’ve lost so many people in a very the last few years. I don’t think that I am in a position to date anyone until I get so much from my past with bcz relationships just don’t work with me.
I don’t know if it is my past of if I was a single mom or I was independent thinking so young. But I thought it was best to just see about me and not worry about relationships for now
I really think once you realize you are seriously considering a future with someone you have been dating for a while that you should share any part of your past that you may think might influence your relationship. It is certainly not fair to your loved one to wait until the ring is on the finger. We all have sinned and as long as we have repented of our sins they should not be held against us. Sometimes there does seem to be more of a double standard between men and women on certain sins.
26 years here I have never dated anyone romantically because I refuse to date a guy for “playing” I have only had platonic friends, I suppose that if in my country it was common to have some cute dates without physical contact to talk, have fun and get to know each other it would be great but no… here if you go out on dates with someone it is assumed that there is a right to at least kisses or for the boy to do something more than hold your hand.
I’ve been asked out but… I’ll give two examples: one was a guy who still hadn’t completely forgotten his ex so it wasn’t a good idea to go out with him, another was too jealous when we were just friends he would get angry if he saw me with anyone guy even fellow students and a guy just didn’t have my values not only was he not a christian but his home values, interests and way of approaching dating were totally incompatible with me no way would i date him.
I don’t care about anyone’s past…I guess if he was a criminal maybe…but as long as I have everything figured out I don’t care about a person’s romantic or sexual past I have Christian friends who I adore and are women with a past I can love a man with a past too.
Trudy I totally get you. I also didn’t live alone til mum went into fulltime care (for about 3 years). For me it was freeing as I am a bit of a loner. I like people but can also be home alone.
Being single is one reason I don’t like the trope of the heroine approaching 30 and feeling her life is over cos she’s single. Part comes from the church making singles feel a failure if you don’t marry and also feeling that pressure. I admit I did feel a real failure and was depressed at 30 due to being single. Thankfully it didn’t last long and I enjoy being single (If God has someone for me that is good too). So reading a book where the heroine feels her life is ending cos she is single at 30 (normally written by an author married in their early 20’s) I tend to give a miss cos it only adds to the pain of many singles that age who haven’t dated much and dreamed of being married and are not. Would rather a about to turn 30 book where the single is embracing being single and then romance comes when she didn’t expect.
I was even told at by someone that the reason I was single was my standards were too high and should lower then to normal expectations. I thought if that means my morals are high and I won’t accept the first drunk who asks me to marry them (Or the first international Cricket fan who only wants to marry me to get in the country) Then I am happy to have high standards. (The cricket fan I had a few ask and get rejected)
I was 34 when I got married (26 when I met my future husband) and I did not have much dating experience – two official boyfriends up to then (one for about 4 months at 19 and one at distance, having exchanged only a good-bye kiss in person), and a few „other stories” which might count or not (2-3 crushes counting only as unrequited love and 3… let’s say one night stands or once dates, but happening nothing more than hugs and kisses, as it happens sometimes at a teen party).
I had, however, a shock from my first official boyfriend, the one who lasted almost 4 months and who had forced me towards doing more than I was willing/ ready for. Yes, nothing really bad had happened in fact, he ultimately stopped when I reinforced a solid NO that he had not wanted to hear before, thinking that I would cave in to his pressure, but I guess my emotional age was not 19 as my physical age and I felt shocked for being French-kissed by force and groped. So much that after him (at 2 years distance) I could have a boyfriend only at distance (and even that only kiss we shared would have reinforced the shock, if it was less chaste). Enjoying the idea of love and the love letters, but not a too close proximity which would have triggered me…
I did not tell that to my husband upon first date, but he told me *before* our first date that he had been married (divorced 4 years before we met) and he was paying child support for two children. I cherished this blunt sincerity and I told him that the past counts only as in having learnt or not a lesson from it. After a few dates, when he tried to kiss me, it was clear that my instinct was to avoid a kiss and I told him why. He understood. It took a few months for me to overcome that instinctive fear, and he was always so patient.
Now we are happily married for 20 years and a half, and having been together for 29 years (well, in the friendship years, on and off, due to outside circumstances. It was never about cheating, on any side.)
Just a quick comment on the stories where the heroine feels like her life is over because she’s not married… I have two aunts. One got married young and the other never married. My grandmother told me once how the married one sometimes envied the single one’s life and the single one sometimes envied the married one’s life. It was an interesting case study in how we often think the grass is greener on the other side. Or maybe a case study in the fact that, no matter how content we are with our life, we sometimes wish for something different. I was married in my early 20s, but it would never cross my mind to write a heroine who was so invested in getting married that it consumed her in that way…well, unless I was writing about God teaching her a lesson about loving Him first and most or about learning to be content or something like that. But that’s me. I do think authors can write those stories and write them well – but I also think that those types of stories have a certain audience and that audience is probably readers who can relate to the heroine. (And that’s *probably* not me or you.)
Thank you so much for commenting, Kristina! You’ve given me a lot of food for thought, and I appreciate it.
What a blessing your husband is to you! And what an example, I’m sure, he is to other men. I wish you many, many happy years together!
Thank you so much for sharing, Debra. You went through something terrible and traumatic, and it’s very brave of you to share that with us. I think you’ve made a really good point in that you can share “some things” but don’t necessarily need to share “all things.” I think, too, that there’s wisdom in sharing a little bit with someone as you’re getting to know them. See how they respond to the little bit and whether or not they repeat that little bit to others. Share something small at first, and when you find them trustworthy, then you’ll be more comfortable sharing more. I’m not saying that we should treat people with suspicion necessarily – but that we need to have discernment about who we share our painful moments and memories with.