Romance novels get a bad rap sometimes of being super formulaic.
And maybe it’s true, to a point.
Boy and girl meet (sometimes, meet again)
Attraction.
Conflict.
OH NO, they’ll never make it!
Nevermind they will.
Kiss.
Happily Ever After.
THE END!
That’s a bit overly simplified, but you get the gist.
What I want to focus on today is the “OH NO, they’ll never make it!” part.
In our romance novels, we call that “conflict.”
Sometimes our hero/heroine are enemies. Sometimes they just have this great big problem that keeps them apart. Other times it’s their own insecurity.
But in our real life romance, what is the conflict that impedes our romance?
WOW, now that’s a loaded question. I know in my own marriage, it can be as simple as a fight over the remote or as complex as words spoken in anger that wedges distance between us.
It can also be big things. Like, oh, say having a child born with a complex heart defect. Or Post Partum depression (combined with PTSD) taking over your life. Or money—or lack there of.
When doctors told my husband and I that our daughter, then six months old, would need a heart transplant, they also surprised me by stressing the importance of working on our marriage. Evidently they see a LOT of parents’ marriages fall apart as their children are going through the transplant process.
The reasons probably vary, but I’m fairly certain that much of it is because of a lack of romance. I mean, who wants to be all OHHH-la-la when your child is sick in the hospital? And when that hospital stay lasts ten months…. It’s brutal.
So what do you do when life comes in and messes up your romance? It might not be something as horrible as a sick child. It might be a stressful job that takes over your life. An in-law who moves in. A trust that is lost. Or a whole list of other things.
I say, YOU FIGHT BACK.
Yup, a GOOD relationship is worth fighting for, and romance? Yup, you gotta work at it sometimes, too.
Here’s a few tips from my hubby and I.
1.) DATE. Sure, you’re already married. But you can still date! Ladies, get dolled up and WOW your man. Men, spiffy up, brush your teeth, control the burping, and take that woman out for dinner and a movie, or whatever floats your (or her…) boat.
2.) GET CREATIVE. Sure, you might not have money for a dozen roses. But one time, during a “poor season”, my hubby got a book on origami and FOLDED me a dozen roses. Sometimes you have to think outside of the box, and you know what? The TIME and thought meant just as much if not more than clicking a picture online and punching in a credit card number to have flowers delivered.
3.) PDA, GO FOR IT. Seriously, don’t roll your eyes at me! Hubby and I frequently hear “eeewwww”‘s from our kiddos when they walk into the kitchen and see us kissing. Of course, that just make us giggle and go in for more to make them groan more. This accomplishes two things. It keeps the spice alive… and shows our kids what a healthy romantic relationship looks like. And a quick make-out session in an empty elevator…finishing a half a second before the door opens to a crowd of people… that can be fun too. *ahem*
4.) SEX. JUST DO IT. I know, I know. Nuff said. But seriously. I know us women tend to joke about “the dog house” or “the couch” when we’re mad at our hubby’s. But instead, how about you duke it out before bed, make up, and then you BOTH get to enjoy makeup sex? Romance, CHECK! Withholding sex because you’re mad at him? Romance… NO check. (and yes… I’m a Christian… and I’m talking about sex. God made it for us married folk… and the Bible talks about it in great detail in Song of Solomon… so it’s all good!) And if you’re not married? Take notes for later:-)
5.) PRIORITY. I guess this encompasses the other four, but I figured that makes it four times as important. Make your marriage a priority. In fact, behind your relationship with God, it should be your MOST important priority. A good marriage = happy man and wife = happy kids/boss/friends/coworkers/random-person-on-the-street-who-sees-you-smiling-instead-of-frowning….
So, what about you? If you’re married or “involved” what things do you do to keep the romance alive? How do you overcome those crazy conflicts that life throws at you?
If you’re not, what are some conflicts you’ve seen in books that you thought, WOW, how in the world will they overcome that?
Krista Phillips writes inspirational romance with a dash of smiles. She believes a sprinkle of laughter (and a wee bit of chocolate) makes everything a little better! She blogs regularly about life as a wife, mother, follower of Jesus, and mother of a child with a rare congenital heart defect at www.kristaphillips.com. She is represented by Sarah Freese of WordServe Literary.
Well said, Krista. My husband and I took preparing for marriage classes, while engaged. We were told to schedule a weekly “date night”, even if it was staying in. We were told that it’s MOST important, whenever there are additional people living in the household, whether you have kids, or an in-law or sibling is living with you. We need that alone, protected, just for each other time. Our scheduled “protected night” is Friday. Whenever both of us agree, we can bump it up to Thursday, or slide it to Saturday, but we ALWAYS go out to eat, and just spend some “us time”, weekly. We never miss a week. True, the week John had bariatric surgery, our “Friday night” was spent in a hospital room, but it was a suite, with an adjoining room where I slept. Sooo, it wasn’t our ideal date night, but we asked family to NOT drop by to visit that night, so we could have our protected time. (with the hospital staff. LOL)
We call each other pet names, and if anyone starts razzing us, especially in our own home, we get worse, until they cry “uncle”. Our niece stayed with us for a while. One day she told us we had to quit being “cute”, as we were too old for that, and should know better. Yep. BIG mistake on her part. When she told her parents over the phone, they just laughed at her. She now understands that romance has no age limit.
Concerning Christians discussing sex…who better to discuss it than Christians? My former church held annual men’s and Women’s retreats. At each retreat, they spoke very openly about sex in a Godly, healthy marriage. Goodness! I Christians don’t think other Christian’s talk about sex, then they need to read “The Act of Marriage” by Tim and Beverly LaHaye. It’s an eye opener, and very helpful to read a few days before you get married. Warning…don’t read it unless you ARE married, or you are within a week a marriage.
Again, I’m loving these author insights! Keep them coming!
Where is the ability to edit when you need it? UGH!
What is NOT to love about this post, Krista! Wonderful tips here. Amening ‘brightflute’ too. Who better to talk about sex than Christians?!? We should be enjoying the Creators creation in the best possible way. Nurturing that relationship is tough a LOT of times, but worth the time and energy.
Fabulous post, Krista. Thanks for sharing such great tips, especially in light of what you and your family went through. And Brightflute makes a great point – God CREATED sex. The world has made a mess of it. We need to go back to what God intended and ignore everything else (easier said than done, I know!).
LOL! Yes, when we get teased for our over-the-top show of affection… they know we’re only going to pour it on more:-)
Of course, we’re also the parents who saranade to our kids in over-the-top horrible Opera voices in the car at the top of our lungs just to annoy them….
Don’t you wish you were our kids??? HA HA HA!
One of my sisters quickly taught her kids that the more they complain, the more she would embarrass them in public. This was not limited to PDA. If they said she was acting “goofy” about anything, she would just intensify her actions. She taught high school drama, so her kids should have known better. ROFL They are all adults, now, but still tell her they can’t take her anywhere. However, they also say she was the best mom ever, while they were growing up. She’s still a pretty good Mom.
AMEN!!! It is totally worth it!!! Sometimes the things worth having require the most effort:-)
Yup, he totally did! I think we can absolutely discuss the matter in an God honoring way and reclaim its beauty:-)
This made me laugh! Though my two boys are adults now, I used to remind them–especially when they started the rolling-eyes thing, or the plop-down-on-the-couch-with-a-disgusted-sigh thing, or the walk-ten-steps-ahead-of-mom-and-dad-in-public thing–that I was placed in their life by the good Lord for the purpose of embarrassing them and making their life difficult. Then I always followed it up with: “Don’t you think I’m doing a good job?” ;) They hated it, but it got the point across!! :D
Great post, Krista! :) So glad to see God-honoring marriages brought to the forefront, especially when the world seems hell-bent on destroying them. Thank you!!!
Yep! Exactly. My sister had me laughing the hardest, the day she started walking behind her kids, like the hunchback of Notre Dame, yelling in an odd voice, for them to wait up. I was laughing so hard, I could barely walk.
I love this ! I sorta chuckled a bit reading it…. but it is so so true.
Excellent Job Krista.
Blessings
Linda Finn
faithfulacresbooks@gmail.com
A great read, Krista, even for a not-married girl like me ;) I’ve seen enough marriages around me struggle and heard friends complain to know that what you say is true.
Yes, I was hoping for at least a FEW chuckles:-) They are my specialty!
LOL Krista, great post! Thanks for sharing your healthy marriage tips :) Btw, we’re not afraid to talk about sex in Australia! A Christian book called ‘Teen Sex by the Book’ by Dr. Patricia Weerakoon (she is a Christian Sexologist) won a prestigious Australian Christian writing award last year (CALEB Award).