Have you ever gotten a gift from your partner that was just…really bad? I remember the first Mother’s Day gift my husband purchased for me. It was a coat rack. At the time, I was only seven months postpartum with a colicky baby who still had me quite sleep deprived. Rather than being gracious, I cried.
My husband, a problem solver and “git er done” guy, was flabbergasted by my reaction.
Now that we’re nearly twenty-five years into our marriage, we can look back on that situation and laugh about it together. As clueless as we both were, it taught me something about how my husband and I give and receive love.
Gary Chapman’s The Five Love Languages has been around for decades. If you aren’t familiar with the concept, Chapman tells us that every person gives and receives love in one of five ways: acts of service, words of affirmation, quality time, gifts, and physical touch. My husband and I both share the primary love language, “acts of service.”
The issue with the coat rack was that I didn’t have a problem putting my coat in the closet instead of hanging it by the door, so I thought that he bought me the coat rack because he wanted a coat rack. He couldn’t understand why I didn’t find the gift to be the loving act of service he’d meant it to be since he’d intended for the coat rack to make my life easier. I couldn’t understand why he thought that solving an issue I didn’t have a problem with would make me feel loved.
We often see this kind of failure to communicate love in romance stories. A quiet hero might go out of his way to do things for his heroine when all she wants is for him to utter the words, “I love you.” A hero working hard to keep a business afloat might send flowers to his heroine when all she wants is for him to offer some of his time. If our characters always got it right, there wouldn’t be any tension. Where’s the fun in that?
So, for an entry in the Birthday Bash giveaway, let me know in the comments what your love language is. If you’ve never taken the quiz or don’t know what yours is, you can take it here. Alternatively, you can tell me about a funny gift fail.
Judith McNees lives in Michigan, where she enjoys spending time hiking with her kids and breaking out into random songs to annoy them. She loves to travel, and visiting all 50 states with her husband is at the top of her bucket list. She has a B.A. in English from Western Michigan University and is a member of American Christian Fiction Writers.
looks like Quality time is my top one. followed closely by acts of service not surprised to see physical touch got 3% and even that is probably too high.
Most gift fails came from brother and his wife. A magazine rack that didn’t fit together but when we already had one that was used in the house. Also the gifts of chocolates with nuts in them when the ones giving to me know I don’t eat nuts.
Dont enter me in the birthday bash.
Words of affirmation from others are important to me. I enjoy giving gifts.
For me it’s Words of Affirmation followed closely by Acts of Service
My oldest daughter is a quality time gal also. ❤️
My youngest son is a words of affirmation kiddo. Thanks for the comment!
Thanks for checking out the quiz and commenting!
In this season of my life, I’m thinking it’s Acts of Service! I keep thinking someone mowing the yard or taking out the trash sure would be a great thing! I either read something yesterday or heard it on the news, that a guy mopping his girlfriend’s floor (or doing it for his wife), wasn’t good, and I thought to myself, that good definitely be a turn on for me right now! lol!!
Absolutely! Things that say, “I love you,” to me are my husband cooking me dinner even after he’s worked all day because I have a chronic illness and am sometimes too tired to cook, offering to pick up prescriptions, and making sure there’s always an extra roll of toilet paper on the toilet in our bathroom. 😂 Acts of service is such an underrated love language!
My top two love languages are Gifts and Words of Affirmation. I love receiving things from family, friends, etc. especially when I know they put intentional time and thought into it. :D
When my oldest daughter (who is gifts and quality time) was little, she was constantly making little things for us or bringing us plants. It was so sweet!
Quality time came out first and was quickly followed by acts of service.
I’m your reverse! Thanks for the comment.
Acts of Service was first for me and then Quality time. This is so interesting, Thank you for sharing this with us. Have a great day and a great week.
My pleasure. Thanks for commenting!
I think my love language is acts of service. Having someone do something for me, just because, means a lot.
Mine is quality time but I also like giving gifts and receiving gifts.
Sounds like it probably is then! Thanks for sharing.
Those are my daughter’s top 2 also! Thanks for the comment.
In my case 34% physical touch followed by 24% gifts then acts of service, words of affirmation and quality time. Curiously, my parents’ love language is firstly acts of service in my mother’s case, followed by quality time and in my father’s case, gifts.
That largely explains my problems as a child. For a long time I felt that my parents did not love me but that they limited themselves to fulfilling their parental duties, what for them was serving, I felt like “parenting duties”, my dad gave me gifts but useful things notebooks, pencils not nice things just because I liked them and I perceived it only as “providing” and quality time was “surveillance” since they didn’t praise me or hug me as much as other children I didn’t feel loved, And their continuous insistence that I help around the house (which they perceived as signs of appreciation and love) I only perceived as that not only did they not love me but they also needed me to be useful in order to love me.
All of this, added to the bullying, meant that only when I was a teenager I was able to solve many of my problems and talk honestly with both of them and only then did I understand that they did love me and I had misunderstood many things and they were able to understand why I always seemed so miserable and unhappy as a child despite that according to them filled me with love.
I think that also has to do with how we fell in love… I would hardly feel attracted to a guy who considers hugging irrelevant, giving gifts a waste of time and affirmative words only once a month 🤣 he can be a great helpful man and that he always makes time for me but more than love I would feel that as friendship.
Good insights! I have to admit, I struggle with my kiddo who has physical touch as a love language. I’m an introvert with an aversion to touching, so I’ve had to go out of my way to make sure she gets all the hugs she needs. Thank you for sharing.
For me it’s a mixture and I think the worst gift ever was the $2 shop ugly cheese knife set – I didn’t know what it was (as I’m allergic to cows milk) and I love symmetry and it wasn’t and it was just generally cheap and ugly. It was the opposite of everything for me and so I tried to donate it to the charity shop so at least someone could get some use from it but they took one look and said nobody would want it. :(
Gifts is mine, followed by acts of service. It’s such an interesting topic, once you know what you’re looking for you can definitely see how people you are close you try and communicate.
My husband can be quite good at gifts, but we have agreed now he won’t try and get me clothing as he has chosen some real disasters in the past!
I remember my mom telling me some of the failed attempts at learning love language by my father. Yah, dad never really got it right. When I got married, I just assumed my new husband would be the same. Sooooo, wrong. He was a Christian also and he had learned about love language’s and was excited to try it out on me. LOL He didn’t mention this last part to me so I was a bit confused why he was asking certain questions. Made no science at the time. We are now forty years into our marriage and have loved learning about our own love languages and each others. I have learned that some stay the same and others change with time.
Oh dear. Definitely a gift fail! Thank you for sharing.
Oooh yeah. My husband doesn’t try to buy me clothes either. 🤣 Thanks for commenting!
That’s so awesome that he wanted to put it to use in your relationship! Thanks for sharing.
acts of service
Awesome! Thanks for sharing.
Lilly that makes a lot of sense. I think both mum and dads were acts of service. Mum was always cooking and would give to people in need. If anyone came there was always freshly made goodies. When ever mum went away she never knew if the kitchen would have fresh paint or the chairs a new colour. I was from a baby not a huggy child I hated being touched or picked up by anyone but parents. I still don’t like being hugged. Although I was ok with kids I babysat. I also understand the bullying and low selfesteem. Dad died when I was young and mum never really said I love you or I am proud of you. I know she did and did things for me but never said the words and as she got older I know she didn’t think I was doing all I should and often felt she was thinking I was lazy. this was due to often when I did things it I would hear Jenny tried hard but she really doesn’t do it right. I never confronted her to find out why. After she passed away I worked out that a lot of what she did was fear I would leave home and she would be alone. Which working out why has helped me forgive and move forward. I am so glad you talked to your parents and its helped you when you were younger.
I always wanted an electric drill never got it but one year my friends husband bought my birthday gift. She was horrified and said I would hate it but he insisted it was what I would want. I got a cereal box full of tools, a good set of screwdrivers, plyers and wire cutters. I was so happy. It was the sort of gift he knew I could use. sill want my electric drill
I just took the test and my love language turns out to be words of affirmation. That kind of surprised me as I thought it would be acts of service. I have been married for 52 years. I wonder how different it would be had I taken the test when we were dating or in our early years of marriage…
I think mine has stayed the same, but my oldest daughter’s has definitely changed. She used to be high in gifts. Now she’s a quality time girl. It would be interesting to keep past results and retake periodically to see how we change over time though!
Acts of Service. My husband bought me a top that was for someone who was much older than I was at the time. I was able to be honest with him. We took the top back and received a refund. I purchased something else. My husband now purchases gift cards so I can purchase what I like. Thank you so much for sharing. God bless you.
My husband has never been brave enough to buy clothes for me, but I have gotten a few gift cards. Those are always the right style. 🙂 Thanks for your comment!
Acts of Service 40% & Quality Time 30%
Words of affirmation, physical touch, & gifts got 13%, 10%, & 7%(not necessarily in that order).
The only present I can think of was a pillow and that’s because I’m really picky about pillows because of my migraines and the thing is he had asked my mom for her advice and she told him not to get it for that exact reason. He thought it would be soft for me but it made my neck go up too much which messed with my migraines. I think I ended up giving it to my dad.
Mine are quality time and physical touch :)
Receiving gifts followed closely by acts of service are part of my love language.
I definitely understand about the pillow. I struggle with neuralgia, so I’m sorry to hear about your migraines. Thanks for sharing.
Thanks for sharing!
Wonderful! Thanks for your comment!
Acts of service, closely followed by receiving gifts and quality time. Words of affirmation and physical touch not so much.
Acts of service, that was a bit of a surprise, but it makes sense.
I expected receiving gifts to be first, but it was second. If gift giving was an inherited gene, I’d have gotten it from my grandma.
Quality time made sense too. I enjoy spending time with people, setting doesn’t matter.
Words of affirmation was 13%, I’m better at giving affirmation than taking it. But everyone needs a little affirmation sometime.
And at 3% was physical touch…I’m not a hugger.
Worst gift fail would be all the times that my dad gave my mom pierced earrings…she doesn’t have pierced ears.
This was definitely a fun test to take. According to my test results, my highest one was receiving gifts and words of affirmation was second.
Acts of Service came first, closely followed by Receiving Gifts and Words of Affirmation.
The test shows mine is 37% acts of service, 27% quality time and 20% receiving gifts. And it might be true…
Oh dear! Yes, that would definitely be a fail if he kept repeating the mistake! Thank you for sharing.
I hope the results are useful to you! Thanks for the comment.
Thanks for sharing!
I think my second and third change depending on my mood, but acts of service is always my primary. Thanks for sharing!
My love language is a acts of service. However, when I took the quiz a few years ago I was surprised to find that I also scored fairly high in words of affirmation.
I took the quiz and physical touch was my love language. That sounds about right. I like hugs, kisses and small touches throughout the day, it keeps me feeling loved and happy.
I always think it’s fun finding out thr primary and secondary love languages of my family. Thanks for the comment!
My middle daughter is a physical touch kiddo. I have to really make an effort to remember this as it doesn’t come naturally to me. I’m fairly low for this one. Thanks for sharing!
My two highest are gifts and physical touch. My husband’s two lowest are…gifts and physical tough. His highest are acts of service and words of affirmation. My lowest two are acts of service and words of affirmation. It’s made for some tricky times in our marriage over the years!
My parents just told us one where he had kinda “fought” someone to buy the last sweater during a trip, only for her to receive the gift but only use it once or twice.
My love language is quality time and I think gift giving might be my secondary one, though that one changes based on what I’m going through at the moment. So acts of service or words of affirmation might replace gift giving for a bit when I need it :)
My husband bought me a dress for Christmas. It was a purple velvet dress and he loved it. So, I did wear it to midnight Mass, and I got tons of compliments. The best gift was seeing him smile from ear to ear. He just loved telling everyone that he bought it. The looks I got of understanding.
Gift of time is the best love.
My primary love language is acts of service by a small amount, and then it’s evenly split between words of affirmation, physical touch, & quality time. My husband is a lucky guy bc I always get 0% on receiving gifts 😂😂